Suki, my heart goes out to you. This will not be an easy thing to deal with, no matter how your husband as a woman over the course of his transition(if that is even the course that he takes). It's an extremely confusing time for everyone involved, but I think it eventually settles down into a "new normal" sort of mode over time. He will have a period of self-discovery(I'm going to talk like he will be transitioning) - that will involve lots of different things. Different clothes. Different makeup. Different hair. Different attitudes and postures toward others. If you would like to stay with him, it will be super important to be patient with him. What he says is concrete one week may be different the next. It's a very fluid process, and it will be key to try to let go and flow with him. Obviously, your personal boundaries will need to be observed, but things like holding him to past statements won't do him any good. The marriage is a key agreement between you and him, but I personally think that's an agreement that you'll support this other person no matter what may come - not try to keep them stuck in a rigid definition of who they are.
I can talk to a couple of your concerns. I was never pegged as being trans by anyone who knows me - they were all shocked when I came out to them. I wasn't stereotypical either - I was effeminate and sensitive, but to a degree. During transition, I came to the realization that my psychology has been geared toward (what I would consider) female responses and actions - like comforting another, like empathy, like crying when happy, crying with another person, making breakfast, rubbing my partners feet, listening to her talk it out, requiring love to enjoy sex, treating women as people not sex objects, etc. But I found that my biology would hinder those actions and responses - I couldn't cry when I was deeply moved, I couldn't look at a woman without thinking about ->-bleeped-<-ing her, I didn't have it in me to treat my partner well, I didn't get enough emotional gratification by easing someone else's suffering. Now that I'm coming out the other end of hormone therapy, I'm finding that my biology is lining up with my psychology. It makes sense to me now why love and tenderness are so important. I FEEL it now, it's a physical sensation to me, in my stomach and my chest. The core of my being has moved from my penis to my chest, sort of like "where the heart is" kind of feeling. So, I guess what I'm saying is, your husband may be right that some of the female responses and actions will come more easily and naturally for him once he is on hormone therapy. For me, it wasn't so much that I FELT female prior to HT, it was that I hated feeling male and I knew there was something better - that male was wrong, and female was right for me. Actually going on HT and finding that I LOVED the affects of it confirmed for me that I was correct.
As for sexual preference, I can tell you about mine and about some of my transfriends. I personally have always been primarily attracted to women. I have been attracted to a few men in my life, and that's like the literal count - three.
So, I consider myself a lesbian. As I've gone though transition, I haven't found that to change. In fact, it's enforced it for me. I empathize more with women now. Maleness is so foreign to me - I don't understand it. I mean, I understand how many men function on a general level(having been there), but I just don't get it - I can't place myself in that mindset. I really couldn't partner with someone so different...plus, I find male physical traits to be turn offs - like body hair, muscles, etc. I guess I have to agree with the other poster that I kind of like the tasteful attention that certain men give me now - it's flattering. But I can't see myself with them. Now, I've known other transgirls who have been strictly into men, but then later turned to women after transition. I know other girls who started liking women, but changed over to men. And some just stay bi.
It's really hard to say how HT and transition(I think sexual orientation is psychological as well as biological) will affect your husband's orientation. It really could go either way, and I can't think of a way to predict it. It might be better not to worry about it, since it really is outside of his or your control.
I wanted to mention too, since you brought up children - children have superfluid gender recognition. Especially when they are young. My daughter, who is seven, has totally went with my transition. She doesn't question it. To her, it's just something that some daddy's do. She does feel sad some times that she's losing a daddy, but I try to remind her that she's gaining another mommy who loves her just as much as her daddy did.
I like to think that it's improved our relationship - I'm more positive with her, encouraging, nurturing, and patient. I care more about how my actions affect her, and I place more emphasis on comforting her when she needs it(because now I realize how nice that feels).
Um, I hope that wasn't too much word vomit to bombard you with.
I guess I felt like I wanted to share some of my experience because your post really stirred some emotions in me. Like I said, this is not an easy thing to cope with. I know what I've put other people through and what I've put myself through - but in the end, there was no other option but to do it for me. It may be the same with your husband. If you want to hit me up some time, friend me on FB at
http://www.facebook.com/cadencejean and I'll be happy to answer any other questions that you have. I can only speak from my own experience and what I've heard my transfriends confide in me, but maybe that will help in your situation?
Btw, finding a good therapist is mucho important! I wish you the best in this journey - it will be bumpy, but, at the same time, it's an amazing experience if you can go along with him on it! Laters!
Quote from: suki83 on February 29, 2012, 01:50:56 PM
I would post in the S/O forum but it seems kind of silly to post where only S/O's are "allowed" to post and I want the opinions and advice of transgenders themselves.
My husband revealed to me probably five months into our marriage (last August, mind you) that he feels he is a female in a male body. (First he stated an interest in just dressing like a female but the other revelation was soon on the heels of this one.) I've been as supportive as I can possibly be, but there's a lot of things I'm unclear about that I'm hoping someone can help me clarify.
For one, he is the least feminine person I know. In no one does he ever act in a stereo-typically female way; in fact, his personality is more of the stereotypical male, where he tends to be thoughtless at times, is VERY unemotional or sensitive, not terribly passionate or empathetic, blah blah. It just is confusing to me that he can feel like he's a female inside but he doesn't FEEL like a female, does that make sense? He says that it's the estrogen in the hormones that would get him there, but in my head it's like, if you feel like you're a female shouldn't you generally already FEEL like a female? Please correct me if I'm wrong, like I said it's just confusing to me and I need the words of people who know.
I support him unconditionally when it comes to him dressing as a female and growing his hair out (I actually wanted this anyway) and getting his eyebrows done, painting his toes, etc; the only part we come to a head at is the part where he claims is the only thing he feels he needs to be "validated" as a female, which is to have breasts. (To clarify, he is currently looking for therapy and/or support groups to talk about all this with and is not at this point in time pursuing hormones because of our marriage). And of course for me, the one thing I don't think I could handle would be a drastic physical change like breasts. (He does not wish to get rid of his penis, ever. Claims he loooves it.)
One other thing I'd like feedback on: I've read differing takes on what can happen to one's sexual preference after beginning to transition and want your input on it. Sometimes I read that a lot of the time, a MTF who identified as a straight male will end up discovering they are a straight female once they transition, and then I read things that disagree with this. My husband at this time says he is 100% straight with zero interest in men, but I wonder if he begins transitioning if he would discover a sexual attraction for men (possibly because of taking the hormones, I wonder?) Ultimately, if it came down to it and he discovered that he just HAS to have breasts to be happy in life and I discover I just can't deal with it, I would kind of rather he DID realize he liked men because it would make our separation easier for him. I hate to think that because I can't handle it, I have to leave this person who can't imagine a life without me in it. I would feel tremendous guilt, and yet nor do I believe I should stay in a marriage with someone I cannot be physically attracted to due if he transitions to the extent he desires to.
As an aside, this is all made ridiculously more difficult because I'm having our first baby sometime in April/early May. He already has a 3.5 year old son that he has to do visitation with (let alone the fact that I've been as much a mother to this boy as his bio mom, since he turned 2, and if we split up I would have to say goodbye to him, too), I can't imagine having myself, him, and our daughter having to suffer through that, it's the last thing I want for her and us both.
Sorry this is so lengthy and likely confusing, I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this other than my husband. Thank you so much in advance for your responses.
