Session four, therapist notes a breakthrough...

[Robin Mack]

A positive note; with so many people having issues with their therapists/therapy I thought I would share my experience, in hopes that it may be encouraging.

I went to therapy today, dressed as myself. Unfortunately I left my phone in the car, so no pics to share, but if I must say so, I did look very good (credit to my fiancee for helping me with wardrobe!) As i got out of the car I caught a glimpse of my reflection and wondered who that woman was... a good start.

In therapy, I went over the bad and good since the last session, and in the middle of the session my therapist told me that I looked really good, that there was a feminine glow about me that was missing the first time she saw me presenting female... and that was when it came out.

A couple of weeks ago, my fiancee asked me, point blank, what my transition was all about. It flummoxed me, and I stumbled around for a moment before she said, "Because I thought it was about you being free to be you, and lately all I've been seeing is that you've exchanged your male mask for an attempt at a female one." (She was more gentle than that, I'm paraphrasing). And it hit me, finally, what she had been telling me all along. I've been so worried about mannerisms and gestures and the way I walk and the way I talk when presenting as female that I had lost track of the reason I was transitioning in the first place: to be comfortable in this world as the real me.

She's told me similar things in the past, but I don't think I was ready then to really internalize them. Over the past couple of weeks, I've been working on presenting as *me*. And, according to my therapist, it's paying off.

At my next appointment I'm getting two letters. A "bathroom letter" (to help in the event I get in trouble in the restroom) and my letter for HRT.  I'm blessed to have a great therapist and a wonderful family (as well as the wonderful folk here at Susan's) that have helped me come so far so fast.

*hug*

[Adam (birkin)]

Thanks for sharing this Robin! This is a trap I sometimes fall into...I worry so much about how I think I *should* be acting as a guy (in some regards - in others I am happy to break stereotypes) that it's almost as though I am doing the same thing I was before. Part of it is feeling as though I teeter on the edge of passing and non-passing (how true that is, I don't know) so I sometimes rely on those cues to feel as though I lean more towards passing.

[Robin Mack]

Thanks for sharing this Robin! This is a trap I sometimes fall into...I worry so much about how I think I *should* be acting as a guy (in some regards - in others I am happy to break stereotypes) that it's almost as though I am doing the same thing I was before. Part of it is feeling as though I teeter on the edge of passing and non-passing (how true that is, I don't know) so I sometimes rely on those cues to feel as though I lean more towards passing.

You're welcome, Caleb.  It kind of came as a revelation to me... at first I was upset with my fiancee for not understanding why I was working so hard, then I was upset with myself for not realizing that working too hard was exactly what I shouldn't do.

I'm starting to join the "Passing is a dangerous concept" crowd.  I'm working to be who I am, regardless.  I wear women's clothes because I feel better in them, honestly, and I like the challenge of picking out outfits and the variety available.  I wear a padded bra because I like they way my body looks with boobs (and it will be a while before I get to grow my own).  I wear cosmetics because I like my face looking more feminine, and (often) a wig because I love having hair.  Not having these things makes me no less "me", but it does hamper my enjoyment of myself. and my body image.  So, I wear them whenever I can... I think that because these things make me look more feminine and they can be put on or taken off at a whim, for some reason I began to believe that my mannerisms, etc, should be, too... so I was coming off "forced" in an attempt to blend in.  Rather than be accepted for who I am, I was given more attention for the things I was doing that made the whole image appear artificial.

Now that I'm much more zen-like about whether or not I'm accepted as a woman by people, and just accepting internally that I *am* a woman, the world accepts me more.

Kind of a difficult concept to convey- if you wish to "pass", quit trying to "pass".  Just be.

Easier said than done, especially when someone is just starting on their transition path... 

*hug*

[fightlikeoctopus]

You're welcome, Caleb.  It kind of came as a revelation to me... at first I was upset with my fiancee for not understanding why I was working so hard, then I was upset with myself for not realizing that working too hard was exactly what I shouldn't do.

I'm starting to join the "Passing is a dangerous concept" crowd.  I'm working to be who I am, regardless.  I wear women's clothes because I feel better in them, honestly, and I like the challenge of picking out outfits and the variety available.  I wear a padded bra because I like they way my body looks with boobs (and it will be a while before I get to grow my own).  I wear cosmetics because I like my face looking more feminine, and (often) a wig because I love having hair.  Not having these things makes me no less "me", but it does hamper my enjoyment of myself. and my body image.  So, I wear them whenever I can... I think that because these things make me look more feminine and they can be put on or taken off at a whim, for some reason I began to believe that my mannerisms, etc, should be, too... so I was coming off "forced" in an attempt to blend in.  Rather than be accepted for who I am, I was given more attention for the things I was doing that made the whole image appear artificial.

Now that I'm much more zen-like about whether or not I'm accepted as a woman by people, and just accepting internally that I *am* a woman, the world accepts me more.

Kind of a difficult concept to convey- if you wish to "pass", quit trying to "pass".  Just be.

Easier said than done, especially when someone is just starting on their transition path... 

*hug*

Thank you, Robin, for the way you voiced that you aren't working on passing, but on working to be who you are. That is very encouraging for me to hear, as someone who has never felt the desire to be a man. I realized today that I feel a desire to be me, and whether that means wearing men's clothes, getting top surgery, taking T, etc. I want to be a "me" who is thriving, flourishing, and happy - however that manifests.

Thank you for sharing - and I'm happy that you've come to the conclusions that you did! Be well.

[Robin Mack]

Thank you, octopoidal puguilist!    We'll get there, one day.