Do you live a "stealth" life?

[Ayden]

@Ayden - if you don't mind me asking, is your husband sticking with you? How's he taking it? I'm actually married as well (yes, to a dude).

Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I haven't check back for a bit. Of course I don't mind you asking, I tend to be pretty open about a lot of things.

Yes, Joe is very supportive. It is hard to even put into words just how supportive and wonderful he has been. He actually knew years ago when I went through my first attempt to live as a male. He was sad when I flipped out and ran back into the female role, but I think it was for the best that I eased myself into it slowly and he understood that. He finally sat me down and told me that I didn't need to be so worried about hiding myself. He's told some of his family and friends. He had a bit of period where he was concerned about how other people would view us, but it was mostly because of his job and due to the fact that we can't even go to the store without running into his co-workers and students.

He leaves in two weeks to start his new job, and by the time I get there, it will be the end of May of beginning of June. He told me that I could choose how I wanted to be addressed and how open I wanted to be. He even asked how I would like him to introduce me. His new boss knows that he is married and knows me under my female name, but Joe said it was not an issue and he wouldn't let it be one. The only thing that bothers him is that he won't be here to help me through my last few months of thesis semester and potentially for my first T shot. When we move, he has said that we are just another gay couple.

I was really worried about how he would handle it. I can honestly say he surprised me, in a very good way. I think my current "stealth" mode bothers him more than me sometimes. He has a hard time switching names and pronouns to match the female mode, which has earned him some funny looks. The last time I put on a bra he was really confused before he had the 'oh, right' moment. So, he sees me as being male. Whenever I wear women's clothing he says it's cross-dressing. Our relationship has also taken a huge turn for the better since I came (and stayed) out. We are both happier than we have been in a long time. There is no more pretending that our relationship is something is isn't. I lucked out with him, that's for sure. He's a good man, and very loving.

[Cody Jensen]

wait wah im confused stealth means living as female or male? anywho im living fully as a girl right now. i hate a lot of it. im irregular so one time red tide will be light and another it will be well. not light and i'll get cramps so bad it feels like i got punched in the stomach (im not saying im special or anything, i know everyone born female goes through this). socially theres pressure on me to marry and have kids (something i am sure right now i DONT want my dog is probably the closest thing i will ever come to as kids). then again if i transition i might freeze my eggs and whatnot. wow getting off topic so ya anyway my dad expects me to wear jackets and boots and makeup and pink frilly tops and wear my hair down and it can get really hard on me mentally. this is something me and my sister constantly argue about actually, she's always in my face about how i dont fit in and how i should wear more makeup and all that. yep.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Stealth, within the trans community, means that you live as your chosen gender with few or no people knowing about your trans status/history.  But in the context of this thread, the OP is using stealth to be living in your born sex of female, with few or no people knowing you are trans/gender non-conforming.

Freezing eggs is a lot harder than freezing sperm because the eggs don't thaw well.

[Val]

I do indeed have a stealth life, but it's out of necessity at this point, although I do plan to transition slowly; toes in the water, testing out how it feels before progressing further and all that.
I basically have to put a female personality front when I'm around my family, especially the family on my mother's side, since they are very religious, and look down on anything that isn't straight. I feel bad a lot of the time, since my aunts like to buy me nice female clothing, and I have to pretty much fake being happy since I know I'll probably never wear them. Plus I can't even count the times I've had to come up with weird excuses as to why I don't wear make-up. It's like I have two personalities, and the female personality is very uncomfortable for me because it's like suppressing how I really want to act.
I feel most natural on the internet or with my friends, since I'm allowed to act how I want without consequences.
It's hard to put up a female front all the time though, but I think my parents just believe I'm a tomboy right now so it's alright.
I think the hardest part is trying spend time with one particular aunt, since I spent a lot of time around her when I was a kid, and she liked to treat me like a little princess. Now she still tries to do that by offering me a large variety of make-up (she works for Mary Kay), inviting me to go shopping with her or calling me to ask if I want her to buy me any clothes or jewelry. It makes me feel the worse to keep making excuses or disappointing her, but I try my best to fake it for her sake.
Depressing stuff, man.

[insideontheoutside]

Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I haven't check back for a bit. Of course I don't mind you asking, I tend to be pretty open about a lot of things.

Yes, Joe is very supportive. It is hard to even put into words just how supportive and wonderful he has been. He actually knew years ago when I went through my first attempt to live as a male. He was sad when I flipped out and ran back into the female role, but I think it was for the best that I eased myself into it slowly and he understood that. He finally sat me down and told me that I didn't need to be so worried about hiding myself. He's told some of his family and friends. He had a bit of period where he was concerned about how other people would view us, but it was mostly because of his job and due to the fact that we can't even go to the store without running into his co-workers and students.

He leaves in two weeks to start his new job, and by the time I get there, it will be the end of May of beginning of June. He told me that I could choose how I wanted to be addressed and how open I wanted to be. He even asked how I would like him to introduce me. His new boss knows that he is married and knows me under my female name, but Joe said it was not an issue and he wouldn't let it be one. The only thing that bothers him is that he won't be here to help me through my last few months of thesis semester and potentially for my first T shot. When we move, he has said that we are just another gay couple.

I was really worried about how he would handle it. I can honestly say he surprised me, in a very good way. I think my current "stealth" mode bothers him more than me sometimes. He has a hard time switching names and pronouns to match the female mode, which has earned him some funny looks. The last time I put on a bra he was really confused before he had the 'oh, right' moment. So, he sees me as being male. Whenever I wear women's clothing he says it's cross-dressing. Our relationship has also taken a huge turn for the better since I came (and stayed) out. We are both happier than we have been in a long time. There is no more pretending that our relationship is something is isn't. I lucked out with him, that's for sure. He's a good man, and very loving.

That's really awesome. My other half is pretty supportive of my choices as well.

[he who shall not be named]

I think one of the hardest things for me right now living in steal is my interactions with cismales.  I always feel inferior to them when they open the door for me.

OH GOD I can definitely relate to that. Not only with just the door-thing, but in general I feel super self-conscious around cis guys. Like I could never measure up to them, like I'm in a competition I can never win. :| I have some cis male friends and usually they're alright, but sometimes I get really bummed out because the dynamic is off. Like my male friend will interact with me in the way he'd interact with a girl and it just makes me feel ->-bleeped-<-ty. I don't really blame them, because as far as they know I am a chick, but. Doesn't help with my self-confidence.

It's funny, because for a long time I thought I felt inferior around cis males because I was bothered by their occasional misogyny. And while sexism does irritate the hell out of me, that's not the true source of the feelings.

[Felix]

I used to be headed for medical school, and I had a kid already, and I didn't think I could ever come out of the closet, ever transition. Then I revised that and thought I would wait until my kid was grown. Then, well, I wasn't happy. It was too hard.

But I did spend a very long time just keeping it to myself. During that time I had to compartmentalize my feelings about it pretty carefully. I tried to be scientific and aloof. I tried to see it as an interesting aberration, to look at myself as any other animal on this planet, and just focus on surviving and living as well as possible. It was hard though. I don't know how you do it.

[King Malachite]

I do indeed have a stealth life, but it's out of necessity at this point, although I do plan to transition slowly; toes in the water, testing out how it feels before progressing further and all that.
I basically have to put a female personality front when I'm around my family, especially the family on my mother's side, since they are very religious, and look down on anything that isn't straight. I feel bad a lot of the time, since my aunts like to buy me nice female clothing, and I have to pretty much fake being happy since I know I'll probably never wear them. Plus I can't even count the times I've had to come up with weird excuses as to why I don't wear make-up. It's like I have two personalities, and the female personality is very uncomfortable for me because it's like suppressing how I really want to act.
I feel most natural on the internet or with my friends, since I'm allowed to act how I want without consequences.
It's hard to put up a female front all the time though, but I think my parents just believe I'm a tomboy right now so it's alright.
I think the hardest part is trying spend time with one particular aunt, since I spent a lot of time around her when I was a kid, and she liked to treat me like a little princess. Now she still tries to do that by offering me a large variety of make-up (she works for Mary Kay), inviting me to go shopping with her or calling me to ask if I want her to buy me any clothes or jewelry. It makes me feel the worse to keep making excuses or disappointing her, but I try my best to fake it for her sake.
Depressing stuff, man.

My grandma was like that for the longest.  She would buy me jewerly and thongs and that just triggered my dysphoria so bad.

Nowadays I try my best to cling on to every little "misgendering" I can get.  So far it really hasn't happened yet but I'm banking on it one day and practicing and preparing what I will say around those who may be around me when it happens.

[Felix]

My grandma was like that for the longest.  She would buy me jewerly and thongs and that just triggered my dysphoria so bad.

Nowadays I try my best to cling on to every little "misgendering" I can get.  So far it really hasn't happened yet but I'm banking on it one day and practicing and preparing what I will say around those who may be around me when it happens.

Lol your grandma bought you thongs? How do you keep a straight face?

[Renee D]

Lol your grandma bought you thongs? How do you keep a straight face?

I hope he's talking about flip flops, they are often called thongs.

[King Malachite]

Lol your grandma bought you thongs? How do you keep a straight face?

I wish I knew the answer to that lol

@ Jamie nope not those sorts of thongs.  I think she gave me like a red one and a cheetah one that my mom tried to make me wear to school in fourth grade once.  She told me "I think you're old enough for these now...."

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I do to a point.  I live my day to day as a woman (cuz I are one  ).  But if I am asked I am truthful, but I have only be asked once and that was because I had a post on Facebook ("If you want to know, ask") and one of the girls at school asked.  But since then her attitude towards me never changed.  I am still just one of the girls.

[Felix]

I wish I knew the answer to that lol

@ Jamie nope not those sorts of thongs.  I think she gave me like a red one and a cheetah one that my mom tried to make me wear to school in fourth grade once.  She told me "I think you're old enough for these now...."

Malachite, well. Your mom's drinking kinda bugs you, right? Maybe you should file offerings of thongs along with being drunk around kids. Not something to put too much effort into getting on board with.

It could just be cultural differences, of course. I eat with my fingers and don't make my bed, and there are folks who balk at that.

[justmeinoz]

Admittedly I am coming at this from the other direction but it is liikely i could get away with going "stealth", as there are a lot of people I have met lately who have not read me.  I am pretty obviously a dyke, so that may deflect any questions.

Still, at 6'2", with broad shoulders and a deepish voice I figure there wil be some chance of being caught out, so I am fairly open about being Trans.  I figure that if I can show people I am distressingly normal, it will help others gain acceptance.

[poptart]

Side-note: living as female isn't "stealth", it's just being pre-transition. The title is misleading.

Andy has it right.

[insideontheoutside]

Side-note: living as female isn't "stealth", it's just being pre-transition. The title is misleading.

Andy has it right.

You do know that putting something in quotes can also be used to indicate a different meaning of a word or phrase than the one typically associated with it? Well, if you didn't I guess you do now.

[King Malachite]

You do know that putting something in quotes can also be used to indicate a different meaning of a word or phrase than the one typically associated with it? Well, if you didn't I guess you do now.

+1

When I saw it I immediately knew what it meant and I thought, "YES now is my time to shine teehee." 

Cheesy I know but anything to stall writing this 10 page paper.....

[driven]

I don't know if I quite fit what you're looking for since I actually am physically transitioning, but still living as female for another year or so. I definitely have had a lot of those "if you only knew" moments lately, especially when people are talking about strength. My neighbor's kid was trying to be a tough guy and saying "what would you do if I just punched you right now?" I just laughed and told him I'd kick his ass so fast it would make his head spin (ok, that sounds bad, but it was all in fun). I kinda feel like a superhero. People still see this scrawny little girl, but I can lift heavy stuff now.

To answer your questions in the OP:

What do you find the hardest part to be about having to live in society as female?
Not really sure 'cause I've always been seen as some weird manly girl anyway. People usually just pick up on it and treat me like a dude, even when I'm dressed in a blouse and girl pants for work. I'd say the worst part of being seen as female is gross old guys hitting on me in bars. Even with me looking like this, you're interested? Blecch.

What about appearances ... do you still look more female than male? Dress male or female?
Never really looked or dressed that female. I recently shaved my hair down to 1/2-inch all around, so now I definitely look more male than female. It's confusing the hell out of the poor folks at my mom's retirement home. My mom keeps getting the "is that your son?" question when we meet new people.

Does having to "play the part" ever wear you down?
Nah, if anything it's always amused me. I kinda like keeping people guessing. I think I've mentioned this on another thread, but I love going to the bathroom at football games when all the girls are drunk and seeing how many of them get confused and double-check the sign on the door when I'm walking in with them.

Do other females trip you out in any way because they think you're "one of them"?
See the first answer. They don't usually think I'm one of them.

[poptart]

You do know that putting something in quotes can also be used to indicate a different meaning of a word or phrase than the one typically associated with it? Well, if you didn't I guess you do now.

Your point? I'm making sure people know this is not what stealth actually means, since I've seen it used this way on here before. This post can only serve to further them thinking this way unless a distinction is made.

[insideontheoutside]

Your point? I'm making sure people know this is not what stealth actually means, since I've seen it used this way on here before. This post can only serve to further them thinking this way unless a distinction is made.

And I'm making sure people know what putting quotes around a word means. But I see that everything has to have the proper definition around here because no one can be outside the box or trying something different. Once the trans community adopts a word the definition is set in stone.