Bad Day...

[GypsySoul]

  I suppose as SO's we all have good days and bad days. Today is one of my bad ones. Sometimes I wake up and feel like everything is fine... My love is by my side, our children are happy, everything is right in the world. But other days, days like today, I don't want to wake up. I'm crippled by this overwhelming sense of loss. As I have been reading through some of the older posts I realize its normal to feel this way, almost like my husband has passed away or disappeared. I know its normal but I don't know how to process these feelings. How do you grieve the loss of someone who is sitting two feet away from you? How do you mourn a loss you haven't experienced yet?

  The last thing I want to do is make things harder on her. I don't want to add to her stress. But I cant stop crying, I cant stop hurting . I feel so selfish...

  Will it be easier when C actually starts becoming Claire? Will it be easier when I can see the changes in her, see the person I am grieving start to disappear? Does it get easier?

[Shantel]

  The last thing I want to do is make things harder on her. I don't want to add to her stress. But I cant stop crying, I cant stop hurting . I feel so selfish...

  Will it be easier when C actually starts becoming Claire? Will it be easier when I can see the changes in her, see the person I am grieving start to disappear? Does it get easier?

My concern would be more for your stress at this time. Your feelings are normal and you are not the least bit selfish. You will need to take care of yourself. Which leads me to wonder if you are getting any counseling for your own wellbeing?

It won't get easier if you cling to the image of the husband as he formerly was and probably still is to some extent, but it will get easier if you begin to look ahead and visualize how the two of you will overcome this together as a team. My spouse was able to do this, and there are some former friends that we no longer socialize with as a result, but the two of us are totally committed for better or for worse and until death do us part and we do a lot together as if we are joined at the hip. I don't socialize with other trans types for the most part, because we don't need anyone coming between us. I still get eye contact and smiles from other women, but am unresponsive just because it's just the two of us now. She and I still enjoy intimacy on a modified level, but it can be intense and wonderful. She never wanted a female looking body with boobs next to her at night, but she was able to make it around that curve mentally and emotionally and privately refers to me as "Her Exotic." I love her dearly and would die for her, she feels the same about me. So it does entail dying to our former self in a sense and moving on to the next level. My heart goes out to you in your struggle, it isn't easy for either of you. (hugs)

[Shantel]

Shantel, We havent yet started therapy. Our first appt. is this week. After this week I will be seeking a therapist for myself. I try quite hard not to cling to C as she is now. I actually spend quite a bit of my time day dreaming about how she will look when she becomes her full self. Either way she will be beautiful to me. I know the person inside. That is the person I love. But try as I may I cant stop this feeling. The sense of loss, I know I havent really lost anything, in fact I feel I have gained much just from Claire coming out to me. She has opened up to me in a way my husband never really did. I just want to be able to make her understand that my feeling this way is not her doing. Like I said it isnt every day. Maybe two or three times a month if that. But when it hits, it hits hard!

I appreciate your feelings on this, my spouse had gone through the same emotions and I have felt bad for her and for what I had wrought in her life too, we do feel a lot of guilt and shame in the process. In a way though from your comments I have a strong feeling that you'll both weather your way through this. As a male I was emotionally distant as so many men are until I went through this change, and it did open a whole new realm for me and for her, that intense emotional connection that so many women crave from their husband but is often so sadly lacking. That will be a blessing for you both. Having formerly been somewhat controlling and insensitive gave way to a passionate desire to be understanding and to have lengthy conversations where I could really listen for the first time and be able to commiserate with her about things that had formerly seemed like women's silly drivel. [yes, men do think like that at times]. We can go shopping together, do lunch out and just enjoy being together so much more than before.
I want to encourage you both to keep on keeping on, you will prevail! The trust issue is most important for you both, sometimes it will be almost child-like but Clair's honesty and openness with you clearly indicates that she loves you deeply.

[Jeneva]

Ok, I really wanted Shannon to answer this thread, but she is having a bad weekend.  She hurt her shoulder toward the tail end of the week and it had gotten bad enough that she actually went to the Dr. Friday night.  We had to do some grocery shopping today so she is resting and recovering from that, but maybe later she will feel a bit better after the medicine kicks in and may jump into this thread.

However just so you aren't sitting here and wondering why no one is listening I'll toss out a few things that have helped us.  Talk and hugs are huge tools right now.  I know you don't want to burden her, but speaking generically we actually WANT to help you when we can.  The SO's do so much for us that any time you need support we'd be happy to just listen and hold you.  Talk to her so she knows how you are feeling.  Make sure she keeps you in the loop with her plans and doesn't move forward until you are ready.  You aren't being selfish to want to mourn the old Claire at all.  While on one hand we aren't really changing who we really are, we are changing a lot of how we interacted with others.  You deserve time to deal with the loss of those aspects of her.

As time passes you will get a deeper emotional connection and that may help soften the other losses.  As long as you both keep honest communication as top priority you can do it.  Don't be afraid to ask for her.  As a matter of fact you asking for help may even help her feel LESS guilty since she is able to give something for you instead of just taking all the time.

[Dragonfly]

GypsySoul,

I meant to reply to your post sooner, but I'm a wimp when it comes to pain meds and feel asleep earlier. Reading your post brings back memories.  I had days where I felt the same way you do.  There truly is a mourning process that you will go through.  Like Jeneva said, communication and lots of hugs are so important right now and always.  Don't feel like you're being selfish for feeling the way you do today.  You have to acknowledge your own feelings too.  Talk to her about what you're feeling too. Try not to let the stress get to you when you are taking care of your children.  They won't understand why you are upset.  That was pretty tough for me some days because I just didn't have the patience to deal with goofy stuff.  I'm sure my students wondered what my problem was some days too. Or maybe that's just me, since I don't really put up with stupid stuff they try to pull on most days.

Make Claire know that you will always be there for her throughout this process.  It is vital that she keep you informed every step of the way so there will be no surprises.  It will be so much less stressful if she takes things slowly and gets your take on things before they happen.  Sometimes surprises are not fun. 

Hang in there and know that you are not alone.  There are couples that are still together after going through this process.  We went to Sam's Club earlier and probably scandalized many people in there because we couldn't keep from holding hands and standing really close to each other.

[madwoman_in_the_attic]

Hi GypsySoul,

Moral support from me too (my partner is MtF)!

I think it might be time to tell the kids soon (in an age appropriate way). Otherwise they'll be spending lots of time in dread that it's a divorce or something (which they may have witnessed in their friends' houses). You don't have to go ALL into the details.

Today I told a 10 year old (who had already heard stuff but was confused about it). Basically I said,

"When [Name] was a baby, some things happened that were different from the usual. She didn't get the usual hormones, and so when she was born it wasn't wasn't clear what her gender was. The doctor decided she was a boy. But when she grew up she decided to be a girl."

This seemed to take care of it for him. You could say, "Daddy thinks those doctors made a mistake, so here's what we're going to do..." and then talk about how much you both will always love them. (Sorry, I don't mean to lecture, I only got as far as step-mom myself.) In my experience if YOU are calm about it, they will take their tone from you, maybe have to "work out" some things...I think the big news will actually reassure them that there's a reason for the tension.

And amen to the opportunity to do, ah, EDUCATION in your small town!

Shannon and Jeneva, you two are so inspiring! Thank you AS ALWAYS.

Hugs,

Maddie

[Kyyn]

I think you need to talk to her.
You're not being selfish, you're expressing emotions. Definitely bring this up in therapy so that you can work through it together.

My partner and I have talked and I know he loves me with all his heart, but he can't be attracted to a man. So if I transition more then clothing, he can't be with me as anything more then a supportive, loving friend.
It hurt, but I really understand him and I don't think he's being selfish at all. His happiness is just as important as my own.
And since we had that talk, he's been even more supportive and helps me shop for clothes. His words being: "You want to look like a boy, not a lesbian! I better help" haha.

I'm sure your partner just wants you to be as happy as she is and she will know if you're not so don't be afraid to talk to her - just in case she gets the wrong idea when she picks up your emotional changes. You sound like a really strong person and a supportive partner. Best wishes to you both

[justmeinoz]

As a Lesbian friend said to a mutual friend with a relationship problem, "talk and talk and talk and never stop talking."  Communication is the key to any relationship. 

I am currently involved, somewhat casually, with another transwoman who suffers chronic pain. It places a strain on our relationship, but we try and work our way around it.  It is difficult wanting to touch someone, but knowing that if you do that the slightest touch will be painful. That's hard for her too.

Letting each other know how we feel helps bridge the gap.  And, I am always thankful that her condition is not terminal, so we can hopefully be together for a long time.
Hope you can find some resolution, even though it will likely be a difficult journey.  We are all here for support.

Karen.

[Catherine Sarah]

GypsySoul,

   

These are for you.

Just know, that your pain, is being carried by many here.

You are being 'd in more ways than you can understand.

We all love you both.

Huggs
Catherine