It's been a fortnight of tremendous highs and staggering lows.
On the plus side, I came out at work, and the reaction has been unbelievably wonderful. I'm still cautious, still waiting for the penny to drop, though trying not to be pessimistic and just feel grateful for my colleagues' kindness and understanding. My team leaders and the General Manager have expressed incredible support and open-midnedness, and it's a huge weight off my shoulders. Mind you, it's a very permissive workplace to begin with. A lot of us who work there have faced some sort of challenge in life or lived with some 'difference,' and I have some good friends there.
Unfortunately, I've encountered a terrible situation with my sister. She's only a year and a half younger than me, and we've always been very close. We were often mistaken for twins when we were little, and I was very protective of her. As children we even created our own imaginary alternative reality, in which we used to live 'in tandem' with the real world, lol.
She knows I've been facing issues with my gender, though has been very reluctant to talk about it at all. At the same time, she's accused me once or twice of leaving her 'out of the loop,' and expressed anger and upset that I've told other people about certain aspects of my transition before her - a situation that has only arisen because she panics and withdraws any time I mention the transition. I understand that she's shell-shocked and confused, and I think even she realises that she's contradicting herself.
I've tried so hard to keep her informed about what's been happening without forcing it on her, though it came to a bit of a head last week... She intimated twice that she didn't want to see me any more after my gender reassignment. She said that she feels as though I'll be dead, that I'll no longer be her sister, and that the whole situation is just devastating to her. I've asked if she'll just listen to me, just so that I can gently try to inform her a little more, to reassure her that it won't be as bad as she's imagining, and that she seems to have some mis-conceptions about ->-bleeped-<- that are upsetting her. She flat out refuses to speak to me about it.
The whole situation is complicated a little also by the fact that she's getting married in August and needs me to be a bridesmaid. I've told her that there's no question I'll bridesmaid my little heart out. I'm going to wear the dress, the makeup, get my hair done - if she wanted me to wear a chicken suit, I'd do it. But she still seems to worry that I'm going to back out, and it seems to have intensified her anxiety over the whole transgender thing.
I desperately want to tell her that yes, she's right, I won't be
called her sister any more. But for heaven's sake, 'sister' is just a word that was attached to the relationship we have. You can attach any word to a particular relationship - it doesn't change the nature of the relationship itself. I'm not going to be dead. I'm going to be different. But we all change, physically and in other ways, as we move through life. I have this awful suspicion that she pictures me disappearing and a strange bloke appearing in my place, lol, and she won't let me even open my mouth to begin to explain that this is completely wrong.
I'm just waiting for her to be ready for me to explain this to her. I know she needs time. It's a hell of a lot to take in. But I'm still really upset about it. Just wanted to rant - sorry
