Transition and college

[Maja.V]

Hey all,

I find myself in need of advice concerning transitioning and college. I've been on HRT for 5 months now, and I've enrolled to a college course which starts in October. My initial plan was to transition while studying and working, and get my degree fully transitioned after 6 years (a laid-back self-paid course).

Though after coming out to my mom, she's been telling me I should completely stop my transition and that I should get education first, because only then will I be my own boss and will decide whatever I want to do, and that I should enroll in a free, 3-year (but much more stressful) variation of the same course.

Now I should note that my dysphoria is huge, I've recently gone on four day trip and forgot to take my pills, and on the 3rd-4th day, I was already feeling depressed from the effects of testosterone coursing through my bloodstream again.
I'd also like to mention that I've saved up some money which should help pay for the college tuition and other necessities.

I really don't know what to do and her suggestion made me depressed as I really thought she accepted me and would help me in anything I'd choose to do, but now she's telling me I should completely detransition and finish education first.

Please help, I'm really in need of advice.

[Laura26]

Studying at uni whilst struggling with my gender dysphoria was the lowest point of my life.  My conscious mind knew full well that I had to concentrate on my education so that I was 'well set' but that didn't stop me suffering.  If anything the additional stresses that come with studies and exams just exacebated the problems I was having with my dysphoria.  I've never been able to push it to one side simply because it's inconvenient for where my life was at.

If you had your qualifications your Mum would say that you should wait until you've secured your first job before you transition.  Or if you'd done that, she'd tell you to wait until you're off the probationary period and settled in to the job with a permanent contract etc etc..

There's no perfect time to transition and people will always be able to find reasons not to.

Be proud of what you've already done to fix your life.  Think about the real reasons you started transition and HRT

[nami]

I am a college student who stopped transitioning due to various reasons, but I am going to go through with it soon throughout graduate school. I actually regret not transitioning earlier. As previous posters state it does interfere with studying as I found myself constantly roaming transgender forums or daydreaming in lieu of studying and randomly get angry at myself for not doing transitioning earlier. The first two years of college is very easy since its general education, so if you need to take care of more things while still in the major transition periods it should not be too much of  struggle. 

[Misato]

I tried to begin my transition in 2000 and that didn't work.  I was a film student then and still dependent upon my parents for money and insurance.  But, I did tell some classmates that I suspected I was trans and they were cool.

Now, as a soon to be graduating computer science graduate student, I'm giving er' another go with a LOT more confidence in my gender identity backing me up.  Not to mention financial independence.  But the important bit is I can say that my classmates have been cool and supportive even after I've gone near full time.

Now, I want to be clear this next bit is strictly my experience and meant to be taken only as food for thought.  That said, being out is without a doubt in my mind the only way I had a prayer to make it through this semester.  The stress of classwork and keeping me hidden was so bad last semester I had a persistent pain in my chest to the point I was really getting concerned about my health.  While the coursework and work-work combination remains stressful, not having to lie about myself and play a boy allows me to operate in a more calm, cool and collected manner and I do not feel so overwhelmed.  I am happier than I've ever been, save for falling in love with my SO.

Also my proximity to graduation does introduce other new problems such as needing to get my next job and the health insurance switch that will come with that (Pre-existing condition.  Yeah!).  Bleh.  So I don't recommend doing it near the end.

[rachl]

Why is she advocating for you to wait? It seems to me that now is the IDEAL time to do it! You'll have all sorts of support around you while studying, your degree will be in your new name, and your reference letter-writers will know you as the new you. Furthermore, you'll go into job hunting fully transitioned.

I don't know what your mom is thinking.

[Maja.V]

Thank you all so much for your replies, they verify my thoughts and concerns on this subject.

My mom is certain that I won't be accepted by anyone at college, that I'll have no friends, and that I won't be able to get a job because I'm in transition, thus being unable to pay the bills.

While I do see her side of the argument somewhat valid (given that people here generally aren't too accepting of anything but "normal" people), I think that I will be able to find some who will accept me for who I am, given that they are, or are going to be highly educated people.

She doesn't seem to understand what dysphoria actually is, and how it affects us.

I'm going to translate all of your posts and read them out to her to back my decision up, instead of "foolishly ramming my head through the wall, like I always did" (mom's words).

Again, thank you all for the support, I truly appreciate it. <3

[AudreyH]

It really depends on the college though! Currently, I'm going to school in a southern location and overall the climate isn't the greatest, but always isn't the worst. Look into whether your school has a LGBT club or some Women's Studies courses, because that's where I have found the most acceptence. It's higher education so I can't imagine finding at least a few open-minded people being impossible! Also, on the jobs front that is more problematic but it's simply an issue that going to happen at some point. Stalling transition, letting testerone do what it does at our young age, doesn't seem like the right answer when the answer is essential stalling the employment question. Most places college students work have high turnover rates, so you are bound to find one employer who'll sign you up.

[Cindy]

Depending upon the college, the age group of students makes them generally well accepting of differences between people. Many students are grappling with their gender issues and sexulaity issues. It is the age that we start to find ourselves. Your  teachers are (or should be) also aware of that. I teach at an Australian Uni and we are well versed in how young people have to find themselves, and of course Prof's like I discriminate terribly against people with gender problems , due to our complete lack of understanding.

I think it will also be easier for you to finish Uni and find work as you, rather than finishing Uni and trying to convince a new employer that you are going to transition on the job.

JMO though.

Good Luck

Cindy

[King Malachite]

I would transition during college.  Rachl is right.  It would be so much easier to do it now so by the time you graduate you don't have to go through all the red tape just to change everything and you can be more ok in yourself.  I'm in college and if I could I would transition right now.  I do think she probably just wants to hold on to you as being male for a bit longer but hey college is supposed to be a time to discover yourself so it seems perfect to do it now.

[lilacwoman]

transition now as college will be stressful enough .  but in college will be a TBGL group who will help you along.  at th end of collegew you will have all your reports and certificates in your new name.
a six year delay will not make it easier to transition.

[Maja.V]

Thanks everyone, I'll tell my mom I'll follow my initial plan and face whatever happens, and hope that I can convince her to see it from my viewpoint.

Love you all.

[mm]

Maja.V, it is a big decision to know when is the right time to start transitioning.  I started college out of high school as a girl and lasted 3 semesters, too many problem, I wasn't ready for college.  I went back 3 yrs later still on the record as a girl.  I was already starting to dress a boy and continue to get more guy clothes. I live by myself which is much easier for me.  After about  2 years now the new student see me a guy and most of the students I started with use his/he around me all the time.  I use the mens restroom in a nearby building where it is very unlikely to see anyone I know.  I hope to get a job after I graduate as a guy.  So I would say since you have already started hormones and willn't start school until Oct, you should be ready to start as a girl.  It would be nice to have a your name changed by then so all your records would have your new name and no confusion to anyone on who you are.
 

[Assoluta]

If anything, people are MORE likely to be accepting in University than in other spaces. My mum told me the same thing - to transition afterwards, and not taking that advice was the best thing I did. I remember literally leaving on a friday as a boy and returning on Monday as a girl, and literally nobody batted an eyelid. (Yes, I had informed them beforehand of my transition!). Apart from my classmates, few people recognised me from before and so didn't pay attention to me anyway. You'll find most people will really not be bothered by it.

[Maja.V]

If anything, people are MORE likely to be accepting in University than in other spaces. My mum told me the same thing - to transition afterwards, and not taking that advice was the best thing I did. I remember literally leaving on a friday as a boy and returning on Monday as a girl, and literally nobody batted an eyelid. (Yes, I had informed them beforehand of my transition!). Apart from my classmates, few people recognised me from before and so didn't pay attention to me anyway. You'll find most people will really not be bothered by it.

That's awesome. How did you go about telling them?

[Assoluta]

That's awesome. How did you go about telling them?

I informed the diversity advisor at my university who came into the classes I attended and explained the situation with some extra background info on ->-bleeped-<-. Took away the arduous task of coming out to everyone myself! I still remember sitting at the front when she told one of my classes, I remember not daring to look back in fear of what reactions there might be, but I remember one guys hand on my shoulder and he said how brave I was and wished me the best of luck.