This is all really new to me. (Though I had signs of being transgender as early as six-years-old, I recently understood the implication of all those behavioral traits from that age back in January and just decided to accept it.) But I had two MTF dreams this week. One creeped me out, and the other was more of an anxiety/inferiority dream.
WARNING, THE FIRST ONE IS VERY SEXUALLY EXPLICIT WITH SOME OBVIOUS HIDDEN MESSAGE OF IDENTITY
1. Two nights ago, I had an utterly bizarre dream. I had a dream of being in a room that had weak curtains and that one could see through if one were to look hard enough. So I take off my pants and hoped no one would see me in my panties. As I'm lying down, someone from the math department runs in there and gets on my side. Being a little stoic, I'm asking what the hell he's doing. Suddenly, he starts having sex with me anally, and I'm shocked by it not hurting. The next second, he puts my mouth over his penis and just keeps on ejaculating, one after another after another, to my utter shock. I mean, this was a complete raping since I wouldn't have sex with him otherwise. But I'm not panicking like it is a rape and almost accept my role in this. That was just a bizarre dream since I might have had only one dream that was a fraction as bad in my life. I wasn't scared, but it was almost an acceptance of womanhood just in the sense that I in no way identified as male on any level.
2. Just last night, I was aware of having shaven my legs and was in my underwear again. But I could somehow see the back of my legs with all the repulsive hair I used to have on my hamstrings, like I had totally missed a spot. Some guy was there, and I suddenly didn't feel female any longer, like I had totally forgotten to get half of my leg when shaving. I suppose this is a variant of those famous dreams where one goes to school after forgetting to put on their clothes.
It is strange that all these dreams are starting to come in such a rush. Though I have been very much emotionally stable for so long, I'm doing a little more each time I go out. I don't try to pass myself off as female in that I'll wear clothes that are not distinctly female unless it is a button-up shirt or pants. No lipstick yet (and probably never), though I do wear makeup (tattoo concealer with foundation). No one seems to notice that. So I'm moderate enough to hopefully keep as many mental defectives away as possible even if I might have a few incidents per week (namely those creeps who stare). But it is all remarkable given that I was once too scared to even braid my hair back in January or wear any bright color that was not neon blue.
