Rant

[Wild Flower]

I have to tell someone or something or else I am going to have a mental meltdown.... first of all I'm not that smart. I thought I was smart, but I really am not, period. I'm pretty average, if not slightly below average. So my dream was to get into medical school, but I am barely doing "okay" with economics and intermediate algebra. It could be my procrastination, but I just can't retain anything. I do homework question after homework question. I am also a perfectionist, so it's like, "What a 90% that's horrible!"

Then I hate my job, it's just boring and dull. I rather be a waiter, a bartender, or something? Why am I not doing that? It's because I am stuck at a boring town with a guy I don't love anymore. I like him, but now I lost all feelings for him. I look at him with disgust. He's just so ugly, so fat, doesn't work, doesn't do anything, I pretend to love him but it's only so I would feel better.

I know it's my fault that I have him, it's not his fault, but I was either going to go homeless or something at the time I found him. I'm not afraid of going homeless now. So I think I am going to quit my job, move out of this place, and just survive on the streets until I find a good job in my college town.

I think I am going to go crazy with self-doubt, panic attacks, gawd, it's just like each day I am living a lie. I look in the mirror, and I don't see someone whose living a life they wanted to live. I am a woman inside, but I don't want to be a freak...

it's like, "Freak or woman?" Freak being if I don't pass, sorry if I offend anyone, but that's my thought process. I just can't be talked about, rejected by my family... this life is just not worth a damn to me anymore. It's like I can get cancer tomorrow, and I'll be okay. But I'm not suicidal, it's just living to exist, not living to live. I wake up each day, living a life I hate.

The life that would make me happy would be a passable-beautiful transsexual woman... . There's just not enough time in the day to get things done....

I am wasting time right now when I could be studying, since that's what's giving me this heart ache. I don't know how to fix it really.... it's just my feelings about it all.

[lilacwoman]

intermediate algebra?  OMG! the a word is familiar from school but I have never used algebra is a multitude of jobs.

my boss's daughter is hoping to get a pass in the exams she needs for medical school but failed in science last time so spring's exam had better be a good mark or she has to forget being any sort of doctor as the competition for medcial university is fierce,

regarding the rest of your rant you need to do something positive and get away from slobbo so go perhaps get the new job slinging hash or stacking shelves and get a place of your own where you can study without distractions.

I'd like to be a beautiful woman but I get by as just ordinary and its for sure you're unlikely to become ordinary/lovely/beautiful overnight so you'll have to face your family and circles seeing you as a freak for a while - blame that on all the media brainwashing they had during their lives.

my avatar pix is about 4 years old and I'd different now and I've worked 5 years in the hospital office now...so if you want a woman's life go for it.

[Wild Flower]

Well he's not a horrible person, and I sound mean when I was ranting. I choose to be with him, so I have to accept that I did that. He's a human being like me searching for love, but he's not attractive to me anymore. When I first came here, I didn't felt love ever, and he treated me nicely. But I open my eyes, and know that I was weak at that time when I met him.

Thank you, and I am glad you didn't take offense to the "freak" part. It's not that we're freaks, but it's just the whole media/social thing about us. Makes us stronger I guess if it doesn't kill us.

I feel a lot better after letting all that out. It's like I can get back to focus.

Yeah medical school is competitive, so i hope well for her. It has nothing to do with her intelligence, but more of the right studying techniques. At least based on what I know...

You look very pretty by the way, kind of like the singer Jewel.

[spacial]

The best advice I ever heard on careers is, if you can't do it, it's because, inside, you don't really want to.

Choosing a career because it will make you look good is like choosing a partner because of their looks.

Nothing wrong with working in a bar.

[Shantel]

It's because I am stuck at a boring town with a guy I don't love anymore. I like him, but now I lost all feelings for him. I look at him with disgust. He's just so ugly, so fat, doesn't work, doesn't do anything, I pretend to love him but it's only so I would feel better.

I know it's my fault that I have him, it's not his fault, but I was either going to go homeless or something at the time I found him. I'm not afraid of going homeless now. So I think I am going to quit my job, move out of this place, and just survive on the streets until I find a good job in my college town.

My learned advice, which comes from years of being compulsive and always shooting myself in the foot, is get a new job before you sabotage yourself. Being on the street is bad news, you don't want to go there and do that because it's a rocky uphill battle to recover from that kind of situation, ask anyone who is living in a mission or under a bridge in a cardboard box!