Stealth or Not?

[Inkwe Mupkins]

So I currently live stealth. At school, in the community, at work, etc. but sometimes I have good trans-related news and I have to keep it to myself. When I post on Facebook I have to make sure I don't post anything about being trans, I get nervous still when using the bathroom, I hate having to bind, I hate having to keep everything secret.

At my college there are a few people that know my past from high school, and I'm terrified they're gonna say something. I constantly worry that I'm gonna run into someone in the bathroom that knew me and is gonna make a big deal about it. When I wear sweatpants I can see people looking at my crotch area which also makes me nervous- I don't pack. Sometimes I just want to be open about everything, but then there are gonna be people that are nasty and I don't want to deal with that.

I have a friend and I want to tell her, but I'm so afraid she's gonna tell everyone and spread it around...She wants to hang out-like friends, but I'm nervous that she's gonna find out, or that I'm gonna give off a hint without knowing it. Should I tell her? Should I just be an out-and-proud transman? I know that so many want to be stealth and that's all they want...Kinda makes me feel bad about it all because so many people want what I have.

Are any of you stealth? Do you think it would be easier to be stealth or just be out about everything? If your not stealth, do you want to be stealth? Do you think it would make your life easier or more pleasant?

[poptart]

I'm stealth at my high school and will continue to be stealth my entire life as long as it's up to me. Being out as trans causes people to treat and view you as female, "other" or a "transman" but rarely will they see you as 100% male. Most people do not understand. The women won't be attracted to you, the men won't want to socialize with you. It will get you no respect among them; they will use it as ammo against you. If you want to join the world as male... coming out as transsexual is the most counterproductive thing you could do.

As for Facebook, you can set privacy settings for individual posts, so make a "friend group" of the people who already know, and set the trans-related posts as visible to only that group.

[supremecatoverlord]

I'm stealth at my high school and will continue to be stealth my entire life as long as it's up to me. Being out as trans causes people to treat and view you as female, "other" or a "transman" but rarely will they see you as 100% male. Most people do not understand. T

For some reason, I thought you were much older than someone in high school, but I have no idea why. Just thought I'd say. I read this and was all, "Hmm...interesting"

[Make_It_Good]

Im stealth. I know of others that arent stealth and they are treated fine, they have/have had girlfriends or boyfriends (whichever way they sway), but these are types that are quite trans activist-y, so theyre gonna act out and proud.
   Me on the other hand, I would completely dread the idea of not being stealth. I would hate people to know this "part" of my life. Im happy how things are Ive made many good friends, done many good things and nothing of my past is suspected (including recently going out for a friends Greek themed Birthday in a Toga! :p ) And occasionally theres the worry that people I know now, will find out, but there are ways to avoid that. And the longer I live just normal, the easier it is to avoid the worries etc.
   Ive never considered being open about stuff. Trans is not something I want to associate with really.

It all depends on how you feel. Id stay stealth atleast for the meantime, until you decide how you do want to live your life. Because if you start being open, you cant come back from that.

[poptart]

For some reason, I thought you were much older than someone in high school, but I have no idea why. Just thought I'd say. I read this and was all, "Hmm...interesting"

Huh weird. I'm 19. 

[Arch]

I'm stealth and have no desire to change that, at least for now. Let's face it, we don't live in a vacuum; we have to live around other people. And in one way or another, we have to deal with their attitudes (whether positive or negative). I figure that there will always be situations that I can't just walk away from, and there will always be jerks out there who will give me crap, so I would rather not deal with the trans issue in the first place.

I do wind up filtering what I say, though, and that can be tiring. And I do sometimes worry about what some of my newer friends and acquaintances would say if they knew.

And I just realized that I have accepted a dinner party invitation from a guy who didn't see the point of Chaz's transition because of the penis issue...yikes.

[Inkwe Mupkins]

Id stay stealth at least for the meantime, until you decide how you do want to live your life. Because if you start being open, you cant come back from that.

That's what I fear. Once you make that decision your SOL. I love being stealth because everyone treats you like normal...Its weird how I hate normal, but at the same time...Normal is all I've ever wanted.

I guess the reason its come up is because it seems all of the people around me automatically assume that I am straight male. "What about your girlfriend" "Would you do it for your girlfriend" "You just don't want to get in trouble with your girlfriend". GGGGRRRRR, I hate that. Why can't people just say S.O. or say your girlfriend or boyfriend. Give me the option to define myself, don't plaster me a certain way. I'm not comfortable enough with my sexuality to say I'm gay. Then I feel awkward about it and try to maintain a poker face.

Just feel like my whole existence is a lie. I'm not a straight male. I masquerade around as a straight male, but really I'm not straight and I'm really not male...I may feel and know with every atom of my being that I am male, but the truth is I don't have xy chromosomes and I never will. So the truth is I am a straight biological female and not really a gay biological male even though I've presented myself to society as male for 9 years. IDK its just a bunch of overwhelming thoughts.

[Nygeel]

I'm not stealth, but I wish I had the ability to choose to be stealth.

[lexical]

I don't really understand what it means to be stealth... I mean there are people in my life that know, but it's not something I tell new people unless we get very close. But there's always the possibility that someone can find me out. Though I usually do avoid telling people because of this:

Being out as trans causes people to treat and view you as female, "other" or a "transman" but rarely will they see you as 100% male. Most people do not understand. The women won't be attracted to you, the men won't want to socialize with you. It will get you no respect among them; they will use it as ammo against you. If you want to join the world as male... coming out as transsexual is the most counterproductive thing you could do.

...which is unfortunately spot on. I definitely get treated differently when people just meet me as male and when they find out I'm trans. It sucks. So how is a person fully stealth? What specifically does that person do differently from someone who isn't stealth? The way it's being described here is it's like this all or nothing thing, where if you tell a person or two then everyone you meet will know. High school is one thing but in the world at large I don't think this is true. But who knows, I guess I'm just looking for some clarification because this concept has always confused me.

[harlee]

To some people I am stealth, to some people I am not even out, and to some people I am trans. I like being stealth the most I hate talking about my feelings to anyone, not even my therapist, so I dont find being stealth hard in that way. Actually being stealth hasnt been too hard for me yet.. the only thing that sucks is that I cant bring my friends home because of my family, but my house would probably be boring anyway.

I like being seen as a complete boy and I like it so much when people think I have a penis haha I plan on being stealth for most of my life, at least I think at the moment. I have thought about being an "out and proud" transguy but I think I would only do that once I had been on testosterone for a long time. That way I would feel comfortable enough with myself to be actually proud!

[Hayzer12]

I don't really understand what it means to be stealth... I mean there are people in my life that know, but it's not something I tell new people unless we get very close. But there's always the possibility that someone can find me out. Though I usually do avoid telling people because of this:

...which is unfortunately spot on. I definitely get treated differently when people just meet me as male and when they find out I'm trans. It sucks. So how is a person fully stealth? What specifically does that person do differently from someone who isn't stealth? The way it's being described here is it's like this all or nothing thing, where if you tell a person or two then everyone you meet will know. High school is one thing but in the world at large I don't think this is true. But who knows, I guess I'm just looking for some clarification because this concept has always confused me.

You obviously have to come out to some people; the people from your past whom you wish to have a future with. The only people that I am out to are people that A) knew me from before(family, and a couple close friends from high school and earlier university years whom I choose to stay in contact with) and B) knew my birth name after having a class with me before having teachers change the name on the rosters.

Every new person I meet will only know me by the real me. I am on HRT, and have been for 5 months. No one would ever think that I was "born female".
My family and close friends respect that I don't want people to know and my father - whom introduces me to people all the time - has agreed that it is best if no one knows.

I'm stealth because I don't want to be treated differently by people that are just getting to know me. However, the only people that know are people that are SUPPOSED to love me for who I am. That love should also hold a respect for my privacy. The only reason for me to ever tell someone is if I love them and feel a strong connection and feel they NEED TO KNOW.

The crap part for me though is that I haven't gotten my name changed yet(can't really afford it, even though it's only a couple hundred for everything) and when I go out with friends I have to make sure they don't see my old ID along with my birth/and as of right now legal name.

[slytherin]

I'm stealth and almost all my friends I met after I started identifying as male but a couple of close friends know... I'm more open then I used to be though, like if someone asked me if I was trans I'd tell them, most people don't know much about it so noone suspects anything haha.

I think you should tell her if you want to but it's up to you. I haven't actually had a bad experience with telling anyone I'm trans, sometimes they ask annoying questions but after that everything's been fine.

[notyouraverageguy]

So I currently live stealth. At school, in the community, at work, etc. but sometimes I have good trans-related news and I have to keep it to myself. When I post on Facebook I have to make sure I don't post anything about being trans, I get nervous still when using the bathroom, I hate having to bind, I hate having to keep everything secret.

At my college there are a few people that know my past from high school, and I'm terrified they're gonna say something. I constantly worry that I'm gonna run into someone in the bathroom that knew me and is gonna make a big deal about it. When I wear sweatpants I can see people looking at my crotch area which also makes me nervous- I don't pack. Sometimes I just want to be open about everything, but then there are gonna be people that are nasty and I don't want to deal with that.

I have a friend and I want to tell her, but I'm so afraid she's gonna tell everyone and spread it around...She wants to hang out-like friends, but I'm nervous that she's gonna find out, or that I'm gonna give off a hint without knowing it. Should I tell her? Should I just be an out-and-proud transman? I know that so many want to be stealth and that's all they want...Kinda makes me feel bad about it all because so many people want what I have.

Are any of you stealth? Do you think it would be easier to be stealth or just be out about everything? If your not stealth, do you want to be stealth? Do you think it would make your life easier or more pleasant?

It's ultimately up to you and how you want to live your life.
Try having one friend, family member like a cousin, or another transguy around so you can share your trans related issues with. That way you dont feel like you have to hold it all in.
The hardest part about being stealth I think is worrying that you will be outted by other people from your past.
The best thing to do is stay confident.
You should only tell people who are really important to you, people who you feel really need to know. Like your doctors, or someone you plan to have a long term relationship with, or be intimate with. It really is no one's business whats in your pants, or under you clothes, unless they will be there lol.

[Elijah3291]

I am stealth at work, although my boyfriends friends know I am trans.

Now that I have been making friends at work, friends who I have hung out with outside of work, I do worry about giving something away, just accidentally have something pop out of my mouth that gives me away. 

I like being stealth, but sometimes I dont.  The good thing about being stealth is that no one doubts your identity, you are a guy, and thats it.  Although sometimes it makes me a little dysphoric because I know all of these people, should they imagine me naked, see me with no breasts and a penis.  Its like I know the terrible truth.

But sometimes I want to tell my friend I work with, so I can feel free to be more open about my whole life, not just part of it.  But I am held back because I dont want her opinion of my identity to be altered.  I dont want her to tell everyone at work, i wouldn't want my bosses to find out and do some crazy thing like force me to use the womens rooms (i dunno)

Maybe if I quit the job, I will let her know, but its just too much to risk, losing a friendship is one thing, messing up a job is another, I wouldnt want to make a miserable thing that I have to do 30-40 hours a week even more miserable.