It kinda just... happened

[Misato]

I've been wanting to post this for a while now but I keep stopping.  So here goes again.

A month ago, I came out to a class because this should be my last semester of Graduate School and I wanted to do something to try and see if I can use my talents as a Computer Scientist to help trans people.  In the weeks since, I've pretty much just fallen into going near full time.  I thought there was supposed to be more planning for this and it just happened for me. I was on the bus going home three weeks ago and I thought, "I should go to my class tonight as me" and I did because I don't have to speak in there.  The next week I went to the class I originally came out in and in that class I have to speak and while my voice is horrendous, I got along.  Last week, at the end of a job interview, I told my prospective employer that I'm trans and the reply was, "I'm interested in you for your talents."  So, things have mostly been going well but I'm still a wee bit freaked out at the speed that all this happened.  I've been in therapy for over a year but then in the last month, pop!

There's been downtimes too.  Just this past Friday I was studying and the people I was studying with just kept on calling me 'he'.  That brought me down cause it was blow after blow after blow. He after he after he.  Ugh.  It wasn't that the people I was were being mean or unaccepting, it just came so easy to them.  On the bright side one gave me some constructive criticism on my skin being a give away (I'm not on hormones, yet) and I do believe both felt quite bad for not being able to help themselves.

Overall I'm happier than I've ever been.  The very idea of having to go back to being a boy all the time again is frightening.  I've been cooped up in my apartment all weekend studying and I do find I'm looking forward to re-engaging with the world as me tomorrow.  I'm also doing my laundry and find myself pleased with how few of my boy clothes were in there and glad over what I've been able to accomplish.  Still, darn, this has happened quick.

[rachl]

I'm happy for you, but I can't help but think that you rushed into this, especially doing it in the midst of job interviews. I don't know; I wouldn't have recommended doing it so abruptly. I'm not surprised that people are struggling with the pronouns: it's so sudden!

[kelly_aus]

Sometimes it just happens that way.. I had a plan.. Life and other events just trashed it.. And I've never been happier..

[justmeinoz]

I ended up going full-time about a month earlier than I expected.  I put in for a name change and instead of taking 4 or 5 weeks, it took less than a week. There wasn't any going back then, but it all went okay.

Karen.

[Misato]

I remain happier, by comparison, form where I came.  I'm annoyed I just got 'sired' at the sub shop though the clerk did recognize me from my male visits.  And she was sweet and said, "thanks ma'am" as I left after eating though.

I am also happy that I have not turned tail and run back home to change.  But I did take my coat off in order to make my gender clearer.

Job interview bothers me mainly because I think there is a risk I'll put so much mental effort into trying to make them see a woman I'll botch the technical stuff.  I have this feeling I will have to pull back and present as a male for it.  I'm still glad I told them though.

I've just been following my heart on this.  But I am inclined to agree rachl, this was rushed.  Still, if given the oppertunity for a do over I think I would do the same things.  So if that's true, why am I hung up enough that I'm discussing what has transpired here?

Sometimes, I confuse me.

[rachl]

I agree, but if it works then it works. Keep doing it.

Beverley

I've been debating on whether to respond to this. This is a bad way of thinking, generally. Suppose you can buy a lottery ticket with all of your life's savings (say $10,000). There are 10,000 tickets, with a first prize of $20,000. This would be a terrible ticket to buy. You buy it anyway, and happen to get lucky and win.

Shall we say, "If it works, it was a good idea"? I think not. I think that OP "got lucky," and that that sort of decision-making shouldn't be encouraged. (In fact, we don't know if OP got lucky, yet: it'll depend on whether the abrupt transition affects hir job prospects. Hopefully it doesn't!) However, OP obviously has our support and best wishes.

[rachl]

Rachl

I did agree with you that it was rushed, but getting your gender role sorted is largely a matter of confidence and self-doubt is a killer. From the little information the OP has given us it all seemed to work out for the best, so why go backwards?


Beverley

I'm not advocating going backwards, at all. "What's done is done." My point was the "if it works, it works...keep it up" is a bad way to think.

[Misato]

I do feel blessed with how well things have been going.  I also don't think I'd be where I am if it wasn't for my transgender related Computer Science project.  So much of this plunge is going to get cast as research, cause it is that too.  Really my project just gave me an excuse to come out and be me whether I'm in school or at the grocery store.

Yet I also don't think I'd recommend the speed I've gone at to others cause there is a lot of risk.  In addition, because I didn't prepare my classmates at all I sometimes feel like a specimen for analysis as they take a closer look at me.  Generally these people I'm talking about have been from other cultures where being a woman is extra problematic when compared to being one here in the U.S. so when they encounter an MTF transgender person, it seems extra shocking for them.  One person even asked me, "Why would you not want to be a man?" To which I could only reply, "Because I'm a woman."

Anyway, I did have to gather myself back up today in a bathroom but I'm glad I did not retreat for home cause save for a lousy midterm (That's going to leave a mark) I had a good evening as a classmate from the aforementioned Friday treated me very nicely after that exam.  I don't know that we connected as a pair of women, but I think it's the closest I've ever experienced.  She even lamented pronouns after using the wrong set on me again and I do believe from how she treated me that she really is starting to see me for the gender I am and she wants to recognize that.

And I get the confidence need.  So maybe "if it works, it works... keep it up" wasn't the best phrasing and yeah that particular string of words probably shouldn't be applied generally (not that I think a general application was the original intent).  But I'm happier as a woman, I want to go out my door presenting and carrying myself as the confident woman I am.  I want to be seen by others as a woman but even if I'm seen as a transwoman that's still better than being seen as a man to me.  I could do without some of the stares though.  It's just rude.

[rachl]

You'll do fine. The hard part's over. Now's a good time to start that "thinking ahead" stuff though

[Misato]

Yeah, I agree that the thinking ahead stuff needs to be pondered more.

Still, these last few weeks have been a wonderful achievement.