Advice with someone close to me

[shortNsweet]

I recently got an apartment and my girlfriend has moved in with me. She is aware of the fact that I'm trans but does not really like it. I've been trying to be careful not to flaunt too much around with her but it's a little difficult since this is the first time I'm really out of my parents' house and able to freely do a little bit more.

Sometimes it feels like I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know what I want to do but it doesn't feel right if it hurts and bothers her so much...

Has anyone else been through something similar? Can anyone maybe offer me some advice/suggestions?

[Stephe]

I recently got an apartment and my girlfriend has moved in with me. She is aware of the fact that I'm trans but does not really like it. I've been trying to be careful not to flaunt too much around with her but it's a little difficult since this is the first time I'm really out of my parents' house and able to freely do a little bit more.

Sometimes it feels like I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know what I want to do but it doesn't feel right if it hurts and bothers her so much...

Has anyone else been through something similar? Can anyone maybe offer me some advice/suggestions?

This will sound cold but in my experience, if your partner is not OK with the fact you are trans, one of you is going to be miserable.

[KylieFramed]

Im kinda having the same problem, I came out to my girlfriend back in November of last year. She has a trans friend, so she is pretty knowledgeable of the topic. Anyway when i came out to her she expressed that she doesn't like girls but she still really loves me and wants to stay with me for as long as she can. and honestly im not ready to give up what i have with her, but ive always got this looming suspicion she really hates the fact that im trans, not me being trans but that sooner or later we wont be together because of the fact i am. The point is I know she really cares about me but if I dress up or act overly fem she seems to have a problem with it. Im sure its because she isn't used to seeing me this way, however because of this im kind of in this situation where i feel like i need to stay in boy mode and watch what I say or do just because i dont wanna hurt her or upset/bother what we have going on right now.

But I also realize that b/c she isn't into woman that one day probably soon we will have to go our separate ways, and keeping that in mind def helps relieve the stress of trying to hide who i really am. Basically the point is, dont be so afraid to be yourself what happens will happen, and honestly if she is bothered with it she either better get used to it and be able to talk openly with you or you have to realize that ultimately it would never work and your better off being happy for yourself.

[supremecatoverlord]

It may not be anywhere near what you want to hear, but I would suggest breaking up with your partner if there's no way she can accept you. In my opinion, relationships will not last anyway if your partner cannot learn to love you for who you really are - with the dynamic you seem to have right now, it might be better to end it and move on with your life rather than struggling through years of misery.

[cindianna_jones]

I recently got an apartment and my girlfriend has moved in with me. She is aware of the fact that I'm trans but does not really like it. I've been trying to be careful not to flaunt too much around with her but it's a little difficult since this is the first time I'm really out of my parents' house and able to freely do a little bit more.

Sometimes it feels like I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know what I want to do but it doesn't feel right if it hurts and bothers her so much...

Has anyone else been through something similar? Can anyone maybe offer me some advice/suggestions?

;

Be honest with her. She has her life to consider, too. Sometimes life can be so cruel. Take care.

[Cindy]

Sadly I don't think this can last. If she is struggling now it won't get any easier for her. The more you display your femininity the more she will feel rejected. It is a very common reaction. Remember most woman want to have a guy, house and kids. You may not be able to pass on two of those wants, particularly if you start HRT and become sterile, which you will.
Some woman are eternal optimists about their relationships. She may well think that now you are alone with her your gender issues will disappear and you will become one hot dude.

I think you need an in depth conversation and be totally honest. If you love her you really don't want to deny her of her dreams. And if her dreams are a man and children, then you are not a good fit.

Sorry

Cindy

[Jeneva]

I think you need an in depth conversation and be totally honest. If you love her you really don't want to deny her of her dreams. And if her dreams are a man and children, then you are not a good fit.

Exactly!

Don't let it fester and get ugly.  You need to have this discussion NOW.

Sometimes we get lucky and find a partner that can accept us and still love us as women.  Anytime you find yourself having to keep parts of yourself hidden from a SO then you are breaking down the openness that is critical to a meaningful relationship.

[Maegan]

I am afraid Cindy and the other people are right here. The two of you will need to have a serious heart to heart talk. Unfortunately, we cannot always have our bread buttered on both sides, even though we think we can devise some plan to make it happen.

Unfortunately, in real life things are not as easy as that. You will both have to make some serious and life changing decisions here. If your girlfriend is already feeling uncomfortable with you wanting to be a woman, her discomfort (and yours) will only get worse as you progress. A lot of us have had to make similar decisions. Unfortunately, I was married, so my decision was extremely hard to make. She wanted a MAN in her life, not a woman. I could not be that man. As they say, "if you love someone, set them free.........."

Compromises or not, it is not going to be easy. We are all here with a shoulder to cry on should you feel like doing that.

I know how you feel. I trust you will find a way, whether it be to your advantage or hers. Best of luck.

Huggs

Maegan

[tekla]

I recently got an apartment and my girlfriend has moved in with me. .. this is the first time I'm really out of my parents' house

GF or not, I think that anyone and everyone needs to live on their own, by themselves - you know, be independent  - after they leave their parents before they get into another dependent relationship.

[Gretchen]

It is so amazingly unhealthy to shut your true self off to accommodate someone elses needs, be true to yourself now while your young and by the time your ready to leave this planet you'll have no regrets. Move on out of this relationship if it stunts your growth, there are so many people out there just waiting for the real you.

[shortNsweet]

I think you need an in depth conversation and be totally honest. If you love her you really don't want to deny her of her dreams. And if her dreams are a man and children, then you are not a good fit.

I want to, I'm just not very good at bringing up bad topics or situations. Sometimes it feels like she needs to stop being in denial about me and try to learn a little bit. Does that make me a selfish person?

It's also hard because of all the uncertainty with me. I don't know if I'd ever be strong enough to come out and fully transition.

[Cindy]

 Back to the old advice. Have you spoken to a therapist? If not do so.

TG is a festering pit. In my case, and I think in many others, we can be in denial and hope it goes away, and we can cope, and we are normal, and we can be the person others want us to be. We live this bizarre life of proving (MtF) that we are so macho, we will get into fights we will do manly stuff, WE WILL BE A MAN.

I failed. Why? I'm not a man. I'm a woman.

It doesn't go away.
Talk to a professional therapist.

Sorry

Cindy

[nicole99]

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you are in. You moved out and it sounds like you were hopeful it would give you the freedom you always craved. But now you are putting yourself in another prison out of love, and fear. 

I guess the real question is what do you want?

I think it is better to lay your cards on the table, it is your time, you sound like you want this, the freedom to explore who you are. You have your own place, you're free of family, perhaps financially independent.

It is really scary to talk about it, but if you let it it will only get worse. Time does not make it easier. It should be her decision if she wants to work with you or leave you herself. That is really scary.

I suggest planning what you want to say to her - and be clear about why you are telling her. I am sure we could help you out if you need advice on how to talk about it. You can do it.

Best of luck!
xxxx

[justmeinoz]

At risk of boring people with my Existentialism, it comes back to the old question, "what is necessary here?"

If you put off resolving this you will both suffer more, so it is always better to act as soon as a problem becomes apparent.
If, after you have talked things through really thoroughly, and I mean totally, you can't see any way to stay together, then parting is the only option.  Better to part as friends in tears, rather than growing to resent and hate each other. 
You may  end up as best friends, almost sisters, as your transition progresses and that is worth a lot.

It's a hard choice, but ultimately better than a life-time self-evasion, deception and resentment. 

Karen.

[shortNsweet]

Back to the old advice. Have you spoken to a therapist? If not do so.

I know. I've heard this around a lot of places. I'm starting to look and hopefully start seeing a therapist in the near future.

I suggest planning what you want to say to her - and be clear about why you are telling her. I am sure we could help you out if you need advice on how to talk about it. You can do it.

Best of luck!
xxxx

I really don't know how to start any sort of conversation about this with her. I think and feel a lot, but I really can't figure out a way to put it in words.

Thank you everybody for your responses.