Random Rant And Trouble Accepting Myself

[Kentrie]

I really hope I don't offend anyone. Okay, so I know that many guys call their "Clits" their dick and I would love to refer to mine as that but then I start to I feel stupid, I envy other guys who can say that and I envy the ones who totally embrace theirself as a guy. I can't do that. When I try to I don't feel manly enough. My friends are bio guys and they're tall, have a flat chets, a penis, a male face, look their age or older, have facial hair, have an adams apple, have the ability to get ANY girl they want to yet complain about not being able to find one. and me I'm about 5'6, I have to bind which works well thank god, I wear a packer that everyone somehow found out about and is spreading it around and people are making fun of me and being transphobic toward me, My face looks andro in my opinion although I'm starting to see it as looking like a girls and that triggers awful dysphoria to the point where I want to mutilate my face, I look like I'm 12, 13, or 14 and I'm a lot older than that. I have no facial hair and no way to get T and I'll never have the money seeing as I'll never get a job because I dropped out of high school last year for certain things, I don't have an adams apple and my voice sounds like a young males, I don't have the ability to get girls I'm interested in because they want a penis. I'm stuck with the girls who have slept with over 20 people and don't care what sex they bang or date. they're also unattractive in my opinion. And I'm staying with my Grandma till April and she calls me "Girl" constantly, she'll say "Girl you better better keep that window closed" or "you better get in bed girl" and she'll say "You're a young woman" and it drives me insane, I can't take it anymore. I hate her. And when I try to accept myself, I think "You're not good enough to be male" or "Do you really think other people will see you as male, hell no, you look like a lesbian and a female and that's all you'll ever be" I think I've talked about the last part in another thread, but it's bitterly going through my mind again and I had to get it out.

[justmeinoz]

Not offended in the least.  Rant away, it's good for you. 

Firstly your avatar looks like a typical teenage male with a silly hooded top. ( Just the parent in me!) 

Lots of cis-males don't have a prominent Adam's Apple, and some attractive women do, so that's really neither here or there.  The big, buffed guys will all turn into lumps of lard once they stop being gym junkies, and start working in the real world  sitting down all the time. 
Best advice I can give is try and get back to school and you will improve your job prospects a lot.  Maybe at a different school to the one you last attended.

I know it sounds really trite, but there are people out there who will love you for who you are.  I found someone, and so did my Transman son.  They will be worth waiting for.

Maybe you can explain to your Grandmother that GID is a medical condition of fetal brain development and dig up  medical evidence on line to show her.   Denial is the same as her telling a diabetic relative that they don't really need their insulin.
Hang in there.

Karen.

[Kentrie]

I tried to switch to a different school but the board of education wouldn't let me and tried to put me in night school because I only had 3 credits and that was my 3rd year in high school. My grandma is stubborn, she thinks she's always right so their is no way to convince her of anything. My cousin needs insulin....she would probably slap me if I told her that. Lol.

[Mihael222]

I know totally how you feel.I also envy other guys even those I see on the street and get so sad sometimes.I'm also not on T and my face looks MUCH more female then yours and a lot of people don't want to accept me as male.Even when one guy called me Mihael I felt akward,like it's not real just fake.I'ts like I'm stuck being female.You are not alone,there were days when I barely survived the day,but it gets better.I also can't get girls and am surrounded with guys who are constantly in a relationship and I hate having breasts SO MUCH.I know what you mean by not feeling manly enough,it's my problem too.I'm also being called a she,daughter,girl,women.It bothers me even though I started getting used to that by now.I have so small clit and I can't see it as a penis either.When I get T I hope that will change.Your picture looks manly,though you do look 14 a little bit.I can totally relate to what you're saying,it's like reading about my life.I haven't met other ftm in person in my whole life.I feel so angry seeing cis people,they don't even know how lucky they are.I hope you hold on,just know you are not alone...

[Kentrie]

@Mihael222

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. My friends are always in relationships too except for my oldest friend, I think his only love is his computers because he said that he would prefer a computer over a nagging girlfriend any day and he says he's never had a crush before. I obsess over my breasts, sometimes I just feel like cutting them off. I have both major top and bottom dysphoria. One of my best friends always complains about not being able to keep a girl and can go from 1 to the other quickly, he doesn't have to worry about being rejected by girls who are willing to date him, he has a penis. Girls are turned off when they find out I'm trans and they just want to be friends, I never ask girls out and I feel disgusted when thinking of letting them touch me because my body is female and I feel like I'm too repulsive for girls to touch me. My best friend says "Well at least you can talk to girls" Well that doesn't do me much good when I don't have a dick. I am absolutley repulsed by my body I used to cut myself because I loathed it so much.

[King Malachite]

**Warning: May Be Offensive To Some**

None taken.  At times I still feel a little bit odd referring to my downstairs area as my dick but I just kind of call it my little buddy or Little Malachite to make me feel better.  I know exactly how you feel when it comes to bio guys and I can say "you can't compare your otherself to biological men.  You have to focus on your self and your self-worth." 100 times until I am blue in the face but lets face it, many of us as people cis or trans tend to compare ourselves with others.  I find myself comparing myself with cismales all the time no matter how hard I try but at the same time many (not all) cismales compare themselves with other guys and can easily find themselves dysphoric.  I'm still trying to figure out how to not be so comparative but so far what works for me right now is to be cynical.  "No he secretly hates his body.....NO NO NO NO HE HATES IT I DON'T CARE WHAT HE SAYS HE HATES IT!  As a matter of fact THEY ALL hate their bodies.  NOPE IM NOT LISTENING Lalalalalallalala!  They all hate their bodies but will never admit it!  SILENCE!  Their features will just go away when they age so in 200 years they will all just about look the same."  Obviously I wouldn't voice this to any one but it makes me feel better.  (If any one can come up with a better way to cope then please let me know lol.)  If it makes you feel any better I am a bit envious of your height and slim like figure.  You definately do look masculine in the picture. 


Out of what you have said this line stuck out to me the most:

" I'll never have the money seeing as I'll never get a job because I dropped out of high school last year for certain things"

I do understand that things happen but is it possible to obtain a GED?  If so I would personally suggest going back to school to obtain one.  You are still young so do you really want to look down the road 20-30 years from now and say you haven't completed any schooling?  Concnerning the states, while there are a few people who do get lucky to work and make money without a high school diploma or GED, the majority of jobs require at least a GED or high school dipmoma.  Perhaps you can look into so programs to help you obtain this?  Think of it as the start of your road to transitioning.  You need money for T but you can't make money without a job but you can't get a job unless you have certification stating you have completed some schooling.  Jump into the schooling so you can work so you can be able to afford taking T one day.  As you know it's all interconnected to each other.  Your other option is to invent something everyone needs and strike it big.

Change the "I will never do this.  I will never do that" statements into "I WILL do this!" "I WILL take T."  "I WILL have a job and make money."  I will paraphrase a quote from another transguy that has helped me out.  "When you fill your aura with negative things that's all that's going to happen for you but the moment that you start to believe in optimism life will do a whole 360."  The process may take a long time but it's a lot quicker that setting the word "never" in stone and being mad.

As for dating, I have no physical experience in dating so I'm just going to ride the coat tails of what justmeinoz said that there are people who love you for who you are.  The current girls who have no interest in you do not represent the entire population of females on this planet so forget them.  A lot of guys have found pansexual, gay,straight,bisexual etc. partners with those who find them nothing but all man but I would assume it takes time and being in a better place of confidence would help.

We didn't get to chose the hand we were dealt with at birth.  If that were the case many (not all) guys would chose to be biologically male at birth.  It probably would have saved a lot of problems in the future but since there is nothing we can do to change it we must take steps in order to make our lives a bit better.  Everyone cis or trans has their issues and different paths to take.  No one path is the same.  This is what makes people unique.  It may take a while to get where you need to be but when you get there it will be all worth it. 

I hope I didn't come off sounding as an elitist.  I'm sorry if I did.  Trust me I am far from perfect and probably have some of the worst mental issues around.

[Mihael222]

I also used too cut my self,but not cause of GID,I was in a depression.I am also all the time on the computer,it's my favourite way of fun.Finding girls is trouble for me and I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to have one.

[MalcolmAllen]

Hey bud,

You have to, have to, have to, have to get your GED.  It is a must.  It is a bigger must than anything else.  I know the depression and dysphoria make it hard to even get out of bed but the GED is not an option.  You need it to work ANYWHERE.  You need it to go to trade school, you need it to start entry-level doing just about anything that will enable you to afford the medical care you obviously desperately need.

I'm not trying to trivialize the dysphoria but if you ever want to make that better, you have to work.  Nobody will pay for your t and surgery if your family isn't supportive. 

In my personal experience, what I have to do to keep myself out of the deep end is to keep busy, distracted, and surround myself with the positive.  If looking in the mirror makes you upset, then take it down.  Work out, but do it in your bedroom alone (going to the gym made my dysphoria go through the roof).  Push ups and sit ups will make you feel more energetic and healthy.  Every little bit counts. 

Dealing with this is all about building up an inner strength.  Optimism and confidence are key and THOSE are what you want to work towards now, because T will not solve everything.  But confidence and pride will get you through just about anything. 

What I would suggest for you is to think less, do more.  Thinking will drag you down, but doing will move you forward.  I know you feel stuck right now but the best thing you can do is get your GED, and start working.

(BTW Ranting is good for you.  I do it to my partner all the time.  Lets off all the steam, crying etc. and lets you move forward.)

Best of luck man

[niamh]

Sorry to say but graduating school and getting at least some form of tertiary education is a must these days and is only becoming more and more important. You know, I am nearly 30 and I wish I could have transitioned back 15 years ago when I knew I was a girl but nothing was possible back then to allow me do that. Ever since I have struggled every year to pass from one grade to the next, getting all my qualifications, working to pay the bills and I'm still in uni (doing a doctorate). Education is so important because it gives you options, the more you have the more opportunities are afforded to you. It is so tough, no lie but I have sacrificed my teens and my twenties as a girl so I can still maintain a relationship with my family, hold a job and get educated. I have no friends and I know no transpeople.

Sometimes you just have to make lemonade with your lemons. Know that when you push through and start getting your own place and getting money on your account every month you'll be freer to explore and express the person you are. For the moment that future freedom may mean putting up with your annoying relatives and the current situation you find yourself in.

[malinkibear]

Don't worry about girls, you need to wait for the good ones. It's not just women who've had a million other relationships who don't care about your body (and to be honest, I don't think the number of partners someone's had has that much influence on how they perceive trans people). My girlfriend now was a virgin when we got together, and had never had a relationship before. And I'm pre-T too. There are plenty more like her, so don't despair on the girl front.
I know it's frustrating. If it helps at all, I can't call it my dick either. I feel stupid and like I don't deserve to call myself a man and that I'm just pretending. I think a lot of us have or had those feelings at one time or another.

[Kentrie]

Thanks guys.