Covering for Ex-Boyfriend - When to Stop?

[SerenaExpat]

I am normal heterosexual lady, so I find it quite hard to understand how I managed to entangle myself in this web of deceit and covering for my ex-lover with their parents and also my family. I have a good career, a nice apartment and what is stopping me properly dating is my ex-partner who is living with me, whilst coming to terms with who he/she is.

Two years ago I was studying part-time for my master's degree and I met an absolutely gorgeous Australian man who ticked all the right boxes in both intelligence and gorgeous ruggedness. Or so I thought. Little did I know that behind the manliness and hard exterior was a confused indvidual contemplating changing gender.

Foolishly, I fell in love and by the time he told me I couldn't leave him and vowed to help support him through this process. In reality this has meant dropping out of university, with me supporting my partner and helping get the medical support and now referral for sex reassignment.

We are extremely close, sharing our bed and inner most secrets, something we could never have attained if we remained lovers. Of course, sexually we are now aligned with the same desires, which means we both want the same thing that we can't give to each other. But the intimacy we now have is priceless and truly a deeper love.

The problem is we are Skyping parents and sending emails, etc to both our families as if he is still a man, hasn't dropped out of university and is working. It is difficult to maintain this lie, especially as my partner is becomming more feminine with arched eyebrows, super slim features and when the time comes for hormones and sex reassignment.....

We have talked about this often, as the guilt and lies is difficult for me and my ex-partner fears being dragged away by his father to be a man again, and that simply will not do. I want a future were we both find the right man to indulge our needs and passions. But what we are doing now is wrong.

Has anybody else found themselves in a similar situation and where family pressures seem unbearable, even though they are far away?

[lilacwoman]

not quite the same situation but done the lies etc.

partner isn't working so you need to say if you're a woman go get a woman's life and job.

you need to split for your own good.

[caseyyy]

She's obviously really scared about all this, hence the lying and dragging you into it. But you don't have to be a part of it if you don't want; you can split, but if you want to support her the best thing to do is try to nudge her out of the closet if it's safe for her to be out. She needs to do it on her own terms, but she may need that encouragement to get ahead.

[SerenaExpat]

Thanks for the responses, but I am certainly not going to kick my ex out of my apartment. I want to share this process and provide support where I can. But it's clearly difficult to fulfil the role of a woman during transition, and I think it important we get my ex on female hormones as soon as possible.

We talked at length the other evening about a career, and what my ex will do and can do now. There's a female impersonators club in a city nearby and I suggested to work here as a waitress. This will give my ex legitimate work in a female role that won't be hindered by being a man. It will also provide ample opportunity to engage with the public in a female role. He's still young enough, slim and trim with absolute legs to die for! He can't sing though, but he doesn't have to be on stage.

Another option is to take in clothing for ironing. Very feasible and a man comes and drops the items off and picks them up. Always in demand here. This may prove a better initial option.

In any event, as a college drop out with a useless first degree, because it has his male name on it and not just his initials and surname, expectations and sight needs to be set at an appropriately level. My ex will soon understand the difficulties and barriers that we women have to face.  And I can understand his parents dissapointment in finding their high flying offspring will have a role likely to be secretary level, if we are lucky. I can understand the lies, it will be impossible to tell his parents, if he ends up waiting on tables or in a show as a female impersonator.

And I've already made it clear that being a woman, means existing as woman fully and living en femme totally. I've insisted that he sells his comic book collection and other male items on ebay. Also his sport watching on television is out. Now the apartment is eschewed of masculine presence and my ex seems totally committed to being a woman totally. I honestly thought football was a passion of his and he would return to this, along with drinking beer, but my ex now says he would rather watch a musical paint his nails that even think of football. Which is good for me, as I couldn't stand football.

Despite all this, the lies and deceit continues....

[Jamie D]

Let me be blunt ...

You are being used.

Dump the bum.

[SerenaExpat]

That's a knee jerk reaction Jamie, when you've seen someone that confused and frustrated with their own body and circumstances that they have cried and wept, finally breaking down their locked in envy and desire to be woman, then to ditch them and cast them out is not the right and caring thing to do. I am satisfied I am not being used, emotionally supportive, yes. Loyal, of course.

[Nemo]

Okay, call me nitpicky, but I have to comment on this:

And I've already made it clear that being a woman, means existing as woman fully and living en femme totally. I've insisted that he sells his comic book collection and other male items on ebay. Also his sport watching on television is out. Now the apartment is eschewed of masculine presence and my ex seems totally committed to being a woman totally. I honestly thought football was a passion of his and he would return to this, along with drinking beer, but my ex now says he would rather watch a musical paint his nails that even think of football. Which is good for me, as I couldn't stand football.

Was any of that necessary? I know quite a few women more into sports, beer etc than some of the men I know. Give her pointers on how women tend to behave, or tell her about the pitfalls of being a woman (being patronised, more vulnerable, etc) by all means, but nothing wrong with her keeping comic books (for example) if she is really into them.

Sorry, but stereotyping really p***es me off.

That's a knee jerk reaction Jamie, when you've seen someone that confused and frustrated with their own body and circumstances that they have cried and wept, finally breaking down their locked in envy and desire to be woman, then to ditch them and cast them out is not the right and caring thing to do. I am satisfied I am not being used, emotionally supportive, yes. Loyal, of course.

For that I salute you I'd do the same thing TBH.. in fact I'd love to do the same thing, if my partner would only get to that point

[SerenaExpat]

Okay, call me nitpicky, but I have to comment on this:

Was any of that necessary? I know quite a few women more into sports, beer etc than some of the men I know. Give her pointers on how women tend to behave, or tell her about the pitfalls of being a woman (being patronised, more vulnerable, etc) by all means, but nothing wrong with her keeping comic books (for example) if she is really into them.

Sorry, but stereotyping really p***es me off.

By all means she can be into sports, but talking aimlessly about soccer whilst drinking beer is not what I do with any of my friends and is not really a female character trait. Traditional stereotype or not. I certainly did not stop her taking an interest in football, but I did suggest that a more positive display of feminine grace and interest may be in order. Which she has naturally embraced.

The comic books - violent ones at that - simply had to go. I want an apartment uncluttered and without the presence of a male, for when we start dating, I want it to be an apartment that is clearly shared by two women. My ex is an Australian, so I've bought her some Kathy Lette books as a replacement and I encourage her to take an interests in the arts. Stereotyping is wrong, but if there was no real distinction between the sexes, then she wouldn't feel the need to become a member of my sex.

[GypsySoul]

 I would dare to agree with Nemo. I am a CIS Female 100% and I personally LOVE comic books. I also know at least a dozen very feminine cis females who buy at least one a month. 

Stereotyping is wrong, but if there was no real distinction between the sexes, then she wouldn't feel the need to become a member of my sex.

I dont want to seem cross but it seems as if you are trying to put gender into a teeny tiny little box made of unrealistic expectations. Being a woman doesn't mean nail polish and glitter or pink and lace, just as being a man doesn't mean you must fist fight and drink beer.

[Nemo]

@GypsySoul: Thank you Ninja'd me as well, but never mind

@Serena: Okay, fair enough. But...

Stereotyping is wrong, but if there was no real distinction between the sexes, then she wouldn't feel the need to become a member of my sex.

It's not that simple. It's mainly a conflict between how we feel inside / what we feel our bodies should have, and what our bodies actually have / the effect this has on the way we're viewed by society. You mention her frustration with her body - that's exactly what it is. My partner and I were talking about swapping gendered body parts earlier, but I can't stand football or beer, and K is into computer games but doesn't do make-up. *shrug* Mind you, we don't especially identify as male/female either, we just know we need our bodies to be different.

But I digress - if she's ever likely to meet her family, she'll have to come out at some point. How/when/etc. is maybe something you can help with. Best I can offer is, explain how you feel about the lying, discuss the situation - is she likely to meet them, would it be worth telling them even if they don't meet, that kind of thing

[SerenaExpat]

My SO describes it as a deep, all embracing spiritual need to become one with the feminine force of the universe. And I tend to agree.

I consider myself an enlightened christian and after this all came out, we played some tarot and all the cards were positive for the change and negative for staying as is. Of course, you can't get more physical than changing your gender.
.

[Kitty_Babe]

ok, you kind of peeved me off when you just said "I am normal heterosexual lady". Hmm. Kind of the WRONG way to say some thing on a forum that consists of transgendered people. I think you were looking for the words "natal female" or some such. By stating otherwise, your inferring that your normal, while any Transgendered woman ISN'T normal. Please get it right, and not offend people as you post. In the same token I am saying I am a 'Normal heterosexual female' do you actually understand what I just did right there ?

As for this guy who you are not 'With' any more.. I think its not rocket science what you should do is it ? - you split up from him - one of you MOVE OUT !.

[GypsySoul]

(Im going to skip commenting on the aspect of a christian using Pagen/Wiccan ritualistic tarot cards and get to the next part)

Kitty Said it all.... From where I (and apparently a few others in this thread) stand the best thing for you and quite possibly your ex is for one of you to move on. And out! You putting boundaries on who your ex is allowed to be (Putting specific "gender" roles into play) is NOT going to help her. The entire point behind her transition is for her to figure out WHO SHE IS.... Not who you think she should be as a woman.

Also, from what I can tell you are not happy where you are. You call it "lies and deceit" when you cover for your ex. Some of us would call it support. It seems to take quite a toll on you to "keep it up". It may be easier for you both if other arrangements were made... No one is saying kick her out of the apartment but you might want to try and come to some agreement for a better arrangement where you don't have to cover and she is free to have her comics......