Should i do it?

[Stephe]

I was thinking of going to social places where american's hang out (i live in Singapore and in Singapore men ARE really short and like their women petite i.e short and preferably asian which i'm not). I am 5'11 so living here makes me feel lonely, i was thinking of going to some clubs and social area's where American's hang out, i can't really decide on my own and would like opinions from you guys , please be honest but not too harsh. Let me know if it's a great idea, if i'm not pretty enough and shouldn't risk it or overall it's a stupid idea and just a waste of time.

OK I'm going to be brutally honest..

I've read many of your posts here and almost every one is a "Am I pretty" post looking for reassurance. It sounds like your parents have beating every bit of self esteem out of you from reading earlier posts as well. You seem to highly question if you pass and also seem to be VERY concerned if you will get clocked. Going to a "straight club" to flirt with guys is probably the worse place you could go and thing to do.

First, the guys will -study- you which is way different that just going to the store or the mall, where no one is really going to pay much attention to you. You say you're too scared to even do that and stay at home, going to a club will be like being under a microscope.

Second, you are entering the most dangerous game a transperson can engage is: trying to play stealth, hit on straight guys and pray they don't discover you are trans. I feel being a transperson today is relatively safe but THIS game is what causes most assaults and murders of people in our community. I'm not trying to be a fear monger but this really is DANGEROUS!

Third, the fact you are too worried about being stealth/passing to go out in public, you will be sending these signals out to people at a club as well. You seem obsessed with the fact you are a tall woman and don't blend 100% in the dead center of "normal". Your lack of self confidence is going to put a spot light on you much more so than this height issue you seem obsessed with.

Yes I think you NEED to get out but I feel you need to be learning to just deal with daily life as a woman. Trying to be a stealth female, looking for str8 guys to flirt with is a recipe for disaster as far as your self confidence + is a very dangerous thing to be doing in and of itself.

Have you seen a therapist about any of this? This "be pretty so guys will like me and flirt a little to make me feel like a normal lady" is very wrong. You can NOT base your own self worth and identity on something like this.  I am still a woman if I was ugly and while of course we all want to be attractive, being pretty isn't why I needed to transition.

My advice is instead of even considering this whole going out clubbing thing, schedule an appointment with a gender therapist.

[Shantel]

Probably pretty good advice Stephe, although we always seem to be picking on someone whenever we mean to be helpful and unfortunately it's not always taken as good advice. I'm with you on this one though! I recall a very young post-op that just begged me to go with her to a local University hangout. I absolutely hated the idea and knew it would spell trouble. The jocks were all there pounding copious amounts of beer as their team had just won. The pretty college girls were there all vying for their attention too. We left quickly because I was driving and had better sense than to invite disaster. She went back at a later date and was beaten up badly. I recall holding her close while the tears ran down her bruised cheeks. Lesson learned, it could have been much worse!

[Stephe]

The jocks were all there pounding copious amounts of beer as their team had just won.

That's the other problem with this plan, alcohol. You get a pack of young guys drinking and God only knows how rude and hostile they might be. I've seen them yell rude insults at women who I thought were fairly cute about "Hey fatty, where is your cow bell?" and them all laugh to them etc.

If the OP feels I am "attacking" her, I'm not. I do see a pattern in her posts here and looks IMHO to be someone who needs to talk to a gender therapist about her feelings, needs and desires and why she feels the way she does. Yes she is VERY pretty and looks 100% female from the pictures she posts. That her self confidence is so low (doesn't want to leave the house?) given how good she looks etc is a red flag that there are much deeper issues than even her GID. I'm not going to play internet doctor though I do believe she needs help.

And again I am FAR from a fear monger or telling people you will get hurt simply for being trans. But this going to a club stealth, hitting on drunk str8 guys and hoping to not be discovered is one of the main reasons transgirls are assaulted. 

[azSam]

Donna, you are beautiful. I cannot see how you'd be perceived as anything other than female. You look totally and completely female to me. Go out and have some fun.

[Tigger]

Go out and have fun and remeebr to stay in control of the situation always.

[Bird]

I want to add it is the combo of going out, hitting on a str8 guy stealth and being found that is dangerous. You can dress in a very discreet manner, go out and have fun without flirting with drunk guys.

[Jamie D]

You are getting a lot of good advice here, Kimmy.

[Jamie D]

That's the other problem with this plan, alcohol. You get a pack of young guys drinking and God only knows how rude and hostile they might be. I've seen them yell rude insults at women who I thought were fairly cute about "Hey fatty, where is your cow bell?" and them all laugh to them etc.

If the OP feels I am "attacking" her, I'm not. I do see a pattern in her posts here and looks IMHO to be someone who needs to talk to a gender therapist about her feelings, needs and desires and why she feels the way she does. Yes she is VERY pretty and looks 100% female from the pictures she posts. That her self confidence is so low (doesn't want to leave the house?) given how good she looks etc is a red flag that there are much deeper issues than even her GID. I'm not going to play internet doctor though I do believe she needs help.

And again I am FAR from a fear monger or telling people you will get hurt simply for being trans. But this going to a club stealth, hitting on drunk str8 guys and hoping to not be discovered is one of the main reasons transgirls are assaulted.

Pointing out that she (poster DonnaTroy) should socialize in safe situations is appropriate.  We all start off by taking little steps.  That's the type of encouragement we all need from time to time.

[Bird]

Yes Jamie!

Donna, have you been going out to malls, to drink coffees or such things? You don't need to do a night out right off the bat. It can be nerve wrecking if you aren't used to it. If you go into a shopping store and just try clothes there, you will be already interacting with the salesperon, it is a small thing, but it is a step.

You will see how that person reacts to you and everything and it can be a ego boost. I know when I bought my first dress, it did really well to my self-steem that when the saleswoman saw me wearing it, she didn't clock me.

[Stephe]

Donna, have you been going out to malls, to drink coffees or such things? You don't need to do a night out right off the bat. It can be nerve wrecking if you aren't used to it. If you go into a shopping store and just try clothes there, you will be already interacting with the salesperson, it is a small thing, but it is a step.

The reason I said what I did was she wrote this in the original post "... but i live almost live a hermit in the first two months of 2012, i have only gone out twice and not in very social situations. Just rush through where i need to go as fast as i can without dealing with people i don't need too. "

IMHO she needs to become comfortable with herself and just being out in public in normal everyday situations, go out to eat at "normal" restaurants etc before trying to go to a club where there are a bunch of drunk guys and stealth flirting with them. Lots of people here are telling her based on a picture that she will pass 100% as a female and to "go for it", which seems very wrong AND dangerous advice to me. Her voice/mannerism could be very male for all we know and she also sounds VERY insecure about herself. I would not be shocked if she did go to some nightclub stealth flirting with guys to turn out VERY bad.

[K Style Addiction]

Thank you for all your advice, i have to state this though my plan wasn't totally to go out to flirt w/ guys like some w*ore,  it was just to sit alone and drink (nothing too heavy don't want to get fat), wait for them to come if any of them come. That was the idea, sorry if i said it wrongly, is it still a good idea or a bad one?

[Stephe]

Thank you for all your advice, i have to state this though my plan wasn't totally to go out to flirt w/ guys like some w*ore,  it was just to sit alone and drink (nothing too heavy don't want to get fat), wait for them to come if any of them come. That was the idea, sorry if i said it wrongly, is it still a good idea or a bad one?

It's still a very bad idea IMHO. And I didn't expect you were going to go there and act like a w_ore.  If some homophobic str8 guy see's you and thinks you're a born female, comes over and then finds out you aren't, especially if his friends there also figure it out and start saying "You hit on a dude!" to him, they are all drinking etc, it could turn VERY ugly. And the ugly part might not happen till later after you leave. And if they can say to the other people there "This freako guy was hitting on me", depending on how homophobic the crowd is, you might find no one will even defend you. What you are planning is a dangerous game, especially if you went there alone...

I know many transwomen believe there is no reason to ever disclose their status, they are just another woman, they don't need to "wear a sign around my neck" etc but this behavior is where most violence against trans women happens. Play this game at your own risk. I honestly would never recommend any transwoman playing this stealth pickup/flirt with str8 guys at a bar game ever no matter how well they believe they pass.

My advice, go shopping at the mall, spend a day at a local park, go enjoy a museum. Learn to be comfortable with yourself in these types of safe public places.

[Jamie D]

Yes Jamie!

Donna, have you been going out to malls, to drink coffees or such things? You don't need to do a night out right off the bat. It can be nerve wrecking if you aren't used to it. If you go into a shopping store and just try clothes there, you will be already interacting with the salesperon, it is a small thing, but it is a step.

You will see how that person reacts to you and everything and it can be a ego boost. I know when I bought my first dress, it did really well to my self-steem that when the saleswoman saw me wearing it, she didn't clock me.

Hi Bird

Those are great pointers.

[K Style Addiction]

It's still a very bad idea IMHO. And I didn't expect you were going to go there and act like a w_ore.  If some homophobic str8 guy see's you and thinks you're a born female, comes over and then finds out you aren't, especially if his friends there also figure it out and start saying "You hit on a dude!" to him, they are all drinking etc, it could turn VERY ugly. And the ugly part might not happen till later after you leave. And if they can say to the other people there "This freako guy was hitting on me", depending on how homophobic the crowd is, you might find no one will even defend you. What you are planning is a dangerous game, especially if you went there alone...

I know many transwomen believe there is no reason to ever disclose their status, they are just another woman, they don't need to "wear a sign around my neck" etc but this behavior is where most violence against trans women happens. Play this game at your own risk. I honestly would never recommend any transwoman playing this stealth pickup/flirt with str8 guys at a bar game ever no matter how well they believe they pass.

My advice, go shopping at the mall, spend a day at a local park, go enjoy a museum. Learn to be comfortable with yourself in these types of safe public places.

Point taken , i wouldn't have gone alone of course though....i haven't gone alone anyway in forever lol.

[tekla]

Americans who live and work abroad tend to be pretty open minded.  It's not like your at a campus sports bar.

[K Style Addiction]

You look like a cis girl to me, go out and have fun!!!

If that's your real pic Donna? all I can say is wow!

You look awesome,like a pretty cis girl.i wish I had half your looks.
You go out and have fun now!

Yes, that is me in the avatar and thank you all for you sweet comments, i don't see myself as pretty but i am very touched by your comments . I changed my mind on that and my friend recommended somewhere safer and she's going with me, whenever i chose the time so...i think things will be fine.