Next week I'll have my first meeting with a gender therapist...

[Jeneva]

I might be handling this too well? That I don't show enough confusion, not enough "disorder", not enough obsession, not enough fear? Maybe I'm keeping to much inside? I don't process stuff like other people do I was confused when I first noticed this months ago but I researched it, I know what I have, I know what and who I am, I know how I would like to treated it at least for now.

Why should you show disorder or obsession?  You've accepted that you are trans.  Once you full accept that and aren't fighting it mentally why shouldn't you be "normal".  My therapist has remarked several times how when we first started she had certain notions of how a trans person should behave, but she has found that I'm making her reevaluation all of those and in a good way.

This condition isn't really a mental "illness", we're just categorized that way for now.

Does anyone else have difficulty explaining yourself towards a male therapist?

I was talking about what I was going trough with a female friend and later with her and her husband and she then noticed that I was much more personal, less distant with her alone then with her husband present.

This gender dysphoria is quite hard for someone with autism 

I think I have learned to put up this neutral/male screen whenever I don't feel at ease? I've noticed before that I tend to react to stress (e.g. unknown environments, unexpected changes, too many people around me) by redrawing: My behavior becomes more neutral, which probably appears "male", but the me inside becomes silent and on the outside my responses become defensive, deflective, etc.

Push me even further, I tend to redraw even more. become a shadow or ghost, someone who is and isn't "there". Push me too far and think I will just zone out, slipping in to catatonic or just automated behavior.

I think this might, at least partially, be a defense mechanism? My experiences with opening up to men where mostly negative. The dynamic of communication with men, with a few exceptions, tends to cause much more friction and stress then communication with other women? [See what I did there?] It's like I have this strong reflex to wanting to hide and protect myself when I'm with men which I don't have when I'm with women?

I wouldn't link any of this to autism.  I suspect it is fairly common with a certain set of transpeople.  I'm reluctant to talk to a male therapist.  Supposedly at the VA in Johnson City we have an expert, but when my therapist asked about calling him and seeing if he had a private practice to help non veterans too I completely shut her down.  I did that because an older male authority figure like that would be very hard to open up to because just as you said, when I did open up  to an older male authority figure I was just told to never talk that way again and MOCKED for years in private.

I also don't think the shadow/ghost/robot reaction is necessarily autistic because again there are certain groups of transpeople that coped that way. 

Both of those are very familiar to me and as far as I am aware I am not autistic.  Those are just artifacts of your transsexuality.




***********EDIT**************
Or if that was TL/DR basically you are fine, don't worry that you have to fit some certain mold.  We are all different and faced different situations and coped different ways.  Don't worry about being abnormal because there is no normal. 

[Artemis]

Why should you show disorder or obsession?  You've accepted that you are trans.  Once you full accept that and aren't fighting it mentally why shouldn't you be "normal".

I didn't realize it myself? Now that you mention it, I do think that I have indeed accepted this situation and I am now looking for a solution to problem in a calm and rational manner. I am not in a panic. While I much rather would not be in this situation, now that I find myself in this particular situation, I'm handling it the best I can: I'm no hiding from it, I'm not denying it is there and I'm not exaggerating the extend of it.

I also don't think the shadow/ghost/robot reaction is necessarily autistic because again there are certain groups of transpeople that coped that way. Both of those are very familiar to me and as far as I am aware I am not autistic.  Those are just artifacts of your transsexuality.

... This would also explain why my autism became much less a problem after I started to realize my gender identity? While I'm resolving this long term cognitive dissonance caused by this internal/external conflict my autism has vastly improved...

Also, some here might not understand this, but my religious convictions give me comfort? Like an atheist once wrote: "Faith and reason are the shoes on your feet. You can travel further with both than you can with just one."

I am convinced that one day god will make it right: One day, there will be an exquisite house, painted white and surrounded by a beautiful garden, with a wide veranda where at sunrise that tall, beautiful, delicate girl in her white summer dress, who is enjoying her morning tea, while reading her book and playing with her calico cat, will be me. My (maybe irrational) conviction in this image seems to sustain me when nothing else seems to make sense any more?

[kerrianne]

Good for you Artemis. Yeah, I was worried about seeming too "together" when I went to see my therapist but a good therapist reads between the lines. In fact it's not always a bad thing to seem like you know what you are doing, at least IME. My therapist had more confidence in me being able to handle the challenges because of the strengths and knowledge I did show. They know you are there for a reason.

As for talking to a male? Frankly I'm not sure I could. I guess if I had to. But I don't trust men and I feel immediately off balance and closed down around them generally. I have a male GP but he's a good guy and I've known him and trusted him a long time and I will have a male gyno because he's the only game in town, but whenever I can I prefer to have female practioneer for anything. I just open up to other women a lot more freely. I think it's very valid that we may have trouble with men. Most cis women I know prefer to deal with women.

So even if you are presenting at male, honour that your spirit may need specific things and if you can try to take those paths. At any rate, being closed down, or guarded or defensive, around men is not an unusual thing for women, trans or cis.

[Artemis]

I have been talking to a lot of people lately about my GID? Both online and offline.

My mother doesn't really want to understand.

My father begins to get what the problem is, why this is so hard. I explained it like this: It's like we are secret agents, spies behind enemy lines: We have this secret life inside: Who we really are, our nature, everything we desire, our  preferences, our needs and desires. All most all of which we need to keep hidden in our public life. In our public life we need to pretend, we are forced to play the role everyone expects us to be, wear the clothes of this role, and pretend to like the things we find revolting, love that which we hate, hate that which we love and pretend to be revolted by what we wish we had. Who can live like that? We are always alone because the real person inside can't come too close to anyone. Given enough time and anyone forced into such a situation will break: They either kill themselves or go insane. Who can live their whole life living as someone else? Either we find a happy neutral place in between or we switch sides. As far as I can see there are no other options?

I also figured out something else: When I was young I liked clothes with flowers, butterflies, etc? I hated the sports clothes in the boy section. I understood that for some strange reason beyond my comprehension I would get in trouble if would wear the clothes that I wanted? So I always insisted on getting neutral clothes: just one plain color, no text, no graphics. I can still remember how happy I was, to the surprise of my mother,  when I got to a blouse with a colorful pattern? What I saw and she didn't was that the pattern almost looked like branches with cobalt blue and lavendel flowers? Sadly I didn't get the wear it very often because of the negative reactions of other people.

[Artemis]

Like I said, these first meetings where only to get on the (6-8 month) waiting list...?

So, there is nothing mentally wrong with me... I'm not a psychopath, not a sociopath, not delusional, etc... Which makes my dysphoria kind of real? Just part of the way I that I'm put together, developed to the person I am.

Personally... I'm still struggling with my feelings, options, desires, (dis)abilities, and necessities...

My dysphoria is very simular what I feel when faced with something that violates of my conscience? The very idea "being male" is in conflict with my conscience? I know at the most core level of my being that it is wrong. Not guilt because I did not cause this, but in some way my very existence the way I am right now is in conflict with my conscience.

Anyway... I'm on the waiting list... It's going to be a very long 6-7 months...

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Artemis,

Good to hear the news. At least that is one box you can tick. I'm still somewhat sad at the fact the system is happy to waste more of your time without doing something practical about assisting you.

I hope this time passes quickly for you and you are able to make as good a use of it as you can. Perhaps just asking questions and telling us how you are coping could help. Anyway,

be safe, well and happy.
lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Artemis]

I wish they could at least give me some baseline hrt while waiting?

[Jayne]

Does anyone else have difficulty explaining yourself towards a male therapist?

I've only spoken to a male therapist so far so I don't know if i'll have a difference between male or female therapists.

I've noticed that I find it more difficult talking about it with people who've known me as male for a long time, the less time i've known someone the easier I find it to discuss stuff.
I do find that certain subjects are easier to talk about with women such as my attraction to men & the revulsion I feel when considering being intimate with a man whilst i'm a man (revultion may be too strong a word to use but I can't think of another one right now), from discussions with women about this I get the impression that other women are more comfortable discussing attraction with other women but this doesn't apply to every woman I know.

I'm having my first meeting with my gender therapist in 15 days, as it's someone i've never met I think i'll find it easy to discuss things, so may be able to offer some insight into this in 2 weeks.

i'm a little bit nervous about the meeting but more exited than anything, i've had to wait over a year for this appointment & it can't come soon enough

[veritatemfurto]

I wish they could at least give me some baseline hrt while waiting?

I hear spearmint tea will work as a T blocker lol

(although I hate the taste of spearmint)

[Artemis]

I hear spearmint tea will work as a T blocker lol

(although I hate the taste of spearmint)

I hate it too, however... I could find the active ingredient so I bought a box of those and tried it.

Which gave me a huge scare* because my urine turned pink/red/orange. I only calmed down after I tested the pH of my urine with and (two days later) without... as far as I can tell it seems to be a harmless side effect much like after eating some red plants e.g. biets). I wish I had done more research before trying it out. I was really scared.

Anyway... The big surprise... My breasts are actually feeling fuller? I seem to bump into things more often.
And I feel more at peace or calm then without. Could be a placebo effect, I don't know.

YMMV, my weird genes gave me a natural A cup breasts so it might just be how my body reacts to it.