Hi!
I'll call myself Freya, and tell you some things.
I'm tormented by my thoughts. I'm 21, physically a man, and out of university. I've had obsessional thoughts about sexuality, among other topics, for a number of years now. I can remember having these as far back as age 10-12, and distinctly remember them worsening around the age of 16.
Obsessions about gender have only entered my thinking in the past year. I've done some research on the internet about gender, ->-bleeped-<-, transsexualism. I've also thought I've had OCD. I frequently think I might be a regular homosexual in denial or that I might suffer from a paraphilia. I'm not going to go into too much depth about some of these thoughts, which have been very negative and sometimes quite horrendous. They are 'verbal thoughts'. By this I mean that words come into my head, rather than images or sounds. I've done research into asexuality as well.
The reason I'm posting here is because I could do with some help sorting the wheat from the chaff and sorting my valid thoughts from the ridiculous ones. I think I might be a bisexual female in a man's body, who has inflicted all sorts of torment upon myself in my confusion. I don't know if this thought is the symptom of OCD or another sexual disorder, or if it is valid.
My main reason for having had gender thoughts more recently, or for putting my problem in these terms, is relationships. I don't seem to 'make sense' in terms of human relationships. I don't get turned on by the thought of sex. I have some fetishistic / sadistic fantasies, usually about females, I can sometimes masturbate with pleasure to, but as the years have gone by I have become less able to do this. I have developed strong obsessions about both males and females in the past. Some of my feelings about males have been particularly intense, but it has been the feelings about women that have stuck and become obsessions.
People tell me I'm self-obsessed. I keep trying to 'form' an identity as a homosexual man, or as a transgender person. I have temporary work at the moment but I'm having great difficulty focusing on it. Thoughts about what to do next simply won't come into my mind. I lose motivation totally. I've tried wandering around the busy building in which I work, drinking coffee and chatting to people. This doesn't help. I get trapped in my thoughts, and literally don't know what to do next. It's not as if I'm not trying, it's that my brain is not giving me any instructions. Words of self-hatred enter my mind. People tell me I'm a perfectionist, an obsessive. Sometimes I think I am a narcissist, that I have narcissistic personality disorder.
I'm getting mental health help. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I've expressed the thought that I may have gender issues in the past, but alongside a mish-mash of other thoughts. I'm going to put more of an emphasis on my gender concerns next time I see my psychiatrist.
I'm aware this is not a mental health forum, but I wondered if any of you had any thoughts!
Thanks very much
Freya x
