Very mixed signals from husband

[Biscuit_Stix]

So, I've been trying to come out as FtM to my husband, and he's giving me the most mixed responses I could have ever imagined. His initial response is always a 'I'm not gay!' or something along those lines. But after we discuss it for a while, he gets more open to the idea. And if the conversation progresses more, it usually ends up in bed... It's so unusual, his initial response is usually very severely closed off, not open to the idea at all, almost violently unaccepting but then he always ends up turned on... I have no idea how to read that. And this is every time I bring up the subject, not just the first time I tried to come out to him. And if I appear too masculine in clothing he'll give me that 'you're so cute/this is just a childish phase' patronizing look, but then when we're out in public and I'm presenting male, he's extremely affectionate. To the point of clingy. Much more so than when I present female. Wth. Any opinions would be greatly helpful, since I'm at such a loss. Any questions I should be asking him or something?

[supremecatoverlord]

Do you pass as male out in public?

If so, this is very confusing to me and your husband may need to see a therapist to deal with some repressed issues about his sexuality, especially if he is such denial to you.

[Biscuit_Stix]

Usually, yeah, I pass pretty well. Or at least I think so. I get called 'sir' far more than 'ma'am' if that's any indication. I get the occasional confused look, but more often than not strangers use male pronouns to refer to me. Like in a line, it's usually 'hey let this guy go ahead of me' or 'how can I help you sir'. Possible it's just people humouring me, though.

[envie]

Hi Biscuit Stix,

From what you shared with us I believe there are several things happening with your husband. He, of course, is being faced with unexpected partner's change of identity. This is always shocking no matter how open a person is. If you consider yourself male then his own identity is also changing, especially if he realizes he is into it. This is already big bite to swallow at once but he is dealing with this learned homo hostility. He goes back and forth from being out right hostile towards the possibility of being gay or being perceived as being gay to realizing this is not so bad and he might actually like the development, then he gets scared again from the idea and the whole scenario repeats again. Men are generally speaking being raised in an environment that says, be anything you want just don't be gay my son, hence the homo hostile or the homo hesitant behavior. I'd say your husband seems to be more more homo hesitant then homo hostile.
When you guys are out and about he seems to be relaxing about his new role of not being the only guy in the relationship, especially  if there were no bad comments or remarks from the environment, so he can explore his soft side. So, it is your old identity as well as his own identity that he is being forced to give up and take up a new one which is never easy as people like what they are used to.
Like Jason mentioned, I also think your husband would greatly benefit from talking to a counselor or you two could also go together!
good luck!

[Biscuit_Stix]

Thank you so much, that actually makes a lot of sense. Hopefully we can work though it together, now that I'm not quite as befuddled as I was.

[Felix]

Envie put it really well.

[Siobhan]

Soooo true envie. Many men are 'programmed' as they grow up to not be gay and be as manly as possible. Your husband must love you a bunch to be trying so hard for you! So take solace in that.

[justmeinoz]

It sounds like your husband is  trying really hard to remain in love with you and is changing his attitudes in response.  Hang in there, sounds like you are looking at a strong relationship.

Karen.