Chickening Out?

[Devin87]

Ok.  This is starting to get real.  I just got an e-mail this morning from Fenway Health in Boston that they can see me over spring break to get blood work and mental clearance (just one meeting before I sign informed consent as opposed to months of therapy as long as I get cleared).  That means I'll be all cleared and set to get on T as soon as I get home in May.  And even though I've wanted this for 7 years now and REALLY REALLY wanted it for the past two, I'm getting nervous.  I've been trying all day to buy my ticket out there, but I can't get myself to push the button.  This means I have to come out to EVERYONE.  I would also be going to a management training weekend for my summer job while I'm there and I need to dress professionally which, since I plan on presenting male this summer, would mean a suit and tie which SCREAMS male as opposed to easing into it.  So yeah.  There's a lot involved in buying this plane ticket and I'm terrified.  It's not so much that I just want to transition, but I see it as inevitable.  I'm going to need to do it eventually and I know I'm ready for it.  So why am I so scared to take that first step?

[Devlyn]

Beats the crap outta me, it's great here in Boston! Push the button. Hugs, Devlyn

[wheat thins are delicious]

It's a big step.  Big big big step.  Who wouldn't be nervous?

This.  It was pretty nerve wracking for me the days working up to getting my script.  I had to get on a two month waiting list to get an appointment with the endo.  At the beginning of the two months I was fine, but the closer and closer I got the more nervous I got.  I knew it was what I wanted and needed to make it through life, but I was filled with the "what ifs?"  Sometimes you just have to take the plunge.  Even if you start T, you are under no obligation to continue it if it's not for you.  There is at least one guy on here I know of who started T and then chose to stop because it wasn't for him. 

[Rock]

Awesome and scarey mixed in together is the most baffling of emotions mixes.   I prefer to do things step by step and this compounding of situations you are about to step into would throw me too.  You do these things for your true self, your soul.  So go for it  

Might be a good idea to start wearing the suit whenever you can if you don't already.  I mean while on your own but if there are people who you feel comfortable around, even better.  If you can be at the point where you are already comfortable in your clothes prior, you wont be needing to spread the coping skills so wide. 

I'm not too sure what to suggest about the coming out to everyone situation.  I lived in a small country town when I started letting people know and it soon spread throughout the whole town and neihbouring towns on its own.  It wasn't as bad as I imagined in my head it would be.  I was still surrounded by people who loved me.  It just became more noticable who didn't.  And they don't matter as much as YOU matter.

In the wise words of Devlyn, I also say push that button   One day you will be looking back on this moment in time, very glad it took place.

All the best to you buddy!

[geek]

Heh just remember that while it's a massive step, the changes t will bring you won't be instant, so it's not like you have to come out right this second.

If you've wanted it for so long, then take the plunge, you're finally getting your wings, spread them and be the best you that you can be

[Devin87]

I bought the ticket and I've got the appointment.  I wasn't gonna get it, but then the guy at the clinic said it would take an extra month to get on hormones if I didn't come see him during break (not those exact words, but that was the gist of it) so I sucked it up and bought the ticket. 

I think I'm less nervous about the appointment than I am about the training at my summer job.  I'm thinking of trying to wear male yet somewhat gender nondescript professional clothing (if I can find any) instead of the blatant suit and tie.  I've got a few weeks to decide, though.  Right now I'm just trying to get them to call me Devin at that job.  I keep sending them e-mails signed Devin and they keep writing back to me with my female name.  Today I outright told them I know they can't put Devin on my name tag until it's legal, but please still call me it.  They haven't gotten back to me yet.  We'll see how they take it.

PS-- if anyone has any advice on male professional clothing that's a little less in your face than a suit and tie, let me know.

[Devlyn]

And there you go, young man! Hugs, Devlyn

[Felix]

Devin they should be able to put whatever they want on your name tag.

For business clothes, what I did back when I refused to dress female but wasn't out was I wore khakis and button up shirts and 5-eye doc martens. No tie. If I needed a jacket I took it off before going into the setting, because I didn't have a gender neutral coat.

And hey. I thought about chickening out over so many things. These are major changes.

[Devin87]

Devin they should be able to put whatever they want on your name tag.

I think it's company policy that it has to be your legal name.  I plan on putting in the paperwork to change it before I even start there for the summer, so depending on how long it takes to get a court date, hopefully it won't take any more than a month to legally change, if that.  Then I think it takes about a week for a new name tag to get made and delivered.

[Arch]

You do what I do--look at everything as one scary big deal. Listen to Rock. Break it down into steps. One thing at a time. The first step does not necessarily mean that you must commit to everything else. You don't have to finish, just start.

With that said, I should also say that the name change might take longer than a month, depending on where you are. My friends all took about two months--that is, the people who paid their own way. I would start the ball rolling sooner rather than later, especially if you have to apply for a fee waiver. Better safe than sorry.

[Devin87]

With that said, I should also say that the name change might take longer than a month, depending on where you are. My friends all took about two months--that is, the people who paid their own way. I would start the ball rolling sooner rather than later, especially if you have to apply for a fee waiver. Better safe than sorry.

I won't be applying for a fee waiver.  I don't even know if my state offers one.  I've got some money saved up for transition-related expenses.  I'm across the country from my home state right now, so I don't want to put in the paperwork too early since if they give me a court date while I'm still here I won't be able to make it.  I plan on mailing it in about two weeks before I go home so it has time to get there and get in the system.  In my state the name change is legal the day the judge signs it, so it's only a matter of getting a court date and that depends on how many cases there are at any given time.  It's unpredictable.

[Arch]

Oh, yeah, I think you talked about the name change in another thread, right? Sounds tricky. But at least you don't have to jump through the fee waiver hoops.

[Devin87]

Hey guys.  I haven't been on in awhile because my laptop charger broke.  I'm getting a new one in Boston.  So I leave tomorrow for Boston.  I'm gonna stop and get a short Caesar cut before going to the airport (a little shorter than in my profile pic.  Right now I look like a Beatle).  To my training I'm gonna wear a white men's dress shirt with black dress pants and shoes and a belt and have the top button open, but I'm gonna bring a tie just in case.  They're calling me Devin in e-mails now, so I feel a little more comfortable wearing male clothing to it, but I don't want to show up in the tie.  I'll see if I can break the ice and then maybe wear it the second day or something...  I'm probably gonna look sloppy because my clothes will be rolled up in my carry on (I've got to straight from the airport to the training), but what can you do?

I'll probably be on before my mental health evaluation to get on T, but if not I'll give you guys an update afterwards.

[Adio]

Sounds like a plan, Devin.  Sorry about your laptop

I'm probably gonna look sloppy because my clothes will be rolled up in my carry on (I've got to straight from the airport to the training), but what can you do?

Is it possible for you to wear the white dress shirt/black pants on the plane over there?  That way you don't have to change and it will (hopefully) have less wrinkles.  Should cut down on some time for you as well.  Anything else you wear the next day(s) can be ironed at the hotel.

[skakid]

Was it really that easy to get T at Fenway Health?

[thefire]

You sound kind of like me. I've always been nervous about everything in life, and I still am. I'm just a nervous person. You just have to do it, even though you feel nervous. Because in the end, when things are right, you'll be proud of yourself and you'll be where you wanted to be before you went through everything. Life is scary. It's always been scary to me because I fear failure. I grew up in a very perfectionist family and I've always had plenty of other people on the outside to criticize the hell out of me for everything I do, so that all my actions have appeared as a failure to others. And that has made me extra sensitive in my fear of failure. But, it does feel a lot better on the other side of my first big step. And I feel a bit more confident as a result. So you just gotta go for it and do it.

[Devlyn]

Just watch out for cats falling out of the sky while you're here! Hugs, Devlyn

[Natkat]

we are all alittle scared the first time, but as we get more and more use to it it gets less of a problem.

[Paul]

hopefully it won't take any more than a month to legally change, if that. 

Don't bet on it.  I first met with the lawyer November 14th and I didn't get my paperwork for my finalization until February 14th.  Each state/county is different, but the lawyer flat out told me when I 1st met with him it could take up to 2 months (and it took 3).

[Devin87]

I wore my binder through the airport yesterday and the cancer machine showed I had something on my chest, so the male TSA agent said he had to pat me down.  He felt my chest very quickly and felt my binder then told me I could go.  I didn't realize the significance of the male agent patting me down until afterwards.  I'm still not sure if he realized I had squashed boobs and got embarrassed for touching them or if he thought it was a back brace or something like that.  I don't think they feel like boobs when you touch them, so idk...  But I passed male all night.  At one point I got a haircut and the girl who did it started asking me things like "what do you say when your girl friend asks you if you like an outfit while shopping" and giggling and telling me "we can't help shopping like that-- it's in our brain chemistry" and "it's hard to be a guy" and stuff like that.

Today I had my first day of training (going back tomorrow and I'm meeting with Fenway Health on Thursday).  It was good.  I wore the white dress shirt and black pants and it was fine.  Pretty much everyone called me Devin all day except for a few slip ups from people who've known me for awhile.  At the beginning of the day the big boss came over and told me he ordered Devin on my name tag (up until then I've only talked with the assistant manager about it) so that was an awesome surprise.  So I'm going to have Devin on my name tag right from the start.  At one point I was in a group of all guys and the big boss called us "gentlemen", too.  That was awesome as I never knew him to be too supportive of LGBT stuff.  For the beginning of the day most people were avoiding using pronouns for me, but at the end I had to demonstrate something and they had to critique me and one person started using female pronouns and they all sort of followed except one who called me he.  I just let it go, though.  I figured I'd have them get used to calling me Devin (and me get used to hearing it) first and this summer we'll work up to male pronouns.  It was pretty reassuring.  I think I was worried people would freak out or something, but although I never said outright that I'm transgender, even if they're viewing me as a very butch female or something, they're acting very open-minded about it.


So all in all a good start to the trip.