How do you know that HRT is the right choice?

[Carbon]

I started to talk to someone about this last year but I just go so scared and overwhelmed. I feel like I shouldn't ask for more in my life and that I should be happy already, but I just am just getting more upset over time instead. for the last year I've been trying to pretend I never had tried to talk to anyone and it was never a problem but for the few days I have just been so sad and have been suppressing self destructive feelings. Even when I'm happier and feel like things are going well, those feelings are still there in the background.

I want to do HRT because of its physical and cognitive effects. It makes me happy to think about my being body being shaped differently, plus I'm still young and I don't want to deteriorate any further. I feel like I am so gross though and it is crazy for me to even be thinking about this. will it really make happy or am I just fooling myself and everyone? of course I know no one thing can make you happy...

thanks everyone. you are appreciated no matter what I do from here.

[Carbon]

I keep thinking of things that I feel like I'm not allowed to have happened or felt, like the fact that for years I had a beard. maybe that means less? like I think many women would like to have beards if it were culturally acceptable and they could do it.

I remember when I was younger telling one of my friends that I wished I could wear skirts. she thought that was really funny, but her reaction was also pretty much "if that's what would make you happy then why don't you do it?" so I said it wouldn't be culturally acceptable to do it. then she and another friend went around asking all the men of various ages that they could find if they would like to wear skirts if it were culturally acceptable for men to do that. they all said they would.

maybe it's less like "I identify 100% with this set of restrictive standards" but like "this bundle is so much closer to who I am even though it will still be hard the way things are hard for everyone."

[Beth Andrea]

I knew it once I'd tried testosterone therapy (for depression)...that didn't work....so I tried menopausal supplements (that worked, even better than the anti-depressants)...along with on-going therapy. Once I knew, I knew. And yes, I had many of the same concerns you have. (And still do, to some degree).

Sounds to me like you know already. 

Your major concern seems to me to be about how other people would have to deal with it....not your own transition, but theirs.

*hugs*

So...look into it. Local LGBTQ support groups, a gender therapist, supportive friends/family (sometimes you can "feel them out" by asking something simple like..."I saw on TV recently a show about people who are transgendered...what do you think about them?")

Good luck!

[Carbon]

thanks. hearing that honestly makes me feel a lot better.

I don't really have any friends offline and just a couple online and I have never looked to my family for support. we are not "close" like that. at the same time I know they do care about me and that they won't disown me though so I am really lucky (this is silly but if you remember the episode on star trek TNG about Worf and his adoptive parents it's kind of like that).

hopefully some of the resources that I almost used last year will still be an option... it was too much deal with then but the upside to having tried is that I know what my options are.

[Korra]

Well I've never been happy before, at least in the traditional sense of the word, just content.  I figured this gnawing female voice in my head might have a better path for me so I'm trying it out.  :O

[Carbon]

Well I've never been happy before, at least in the traditional sense of the word, just content.  I figured this gnawing female voice in my head might have a better path for me so I'm trying it out.  :O

How do you feel about now that you've started?

I've been kind of incapacitated for a lot of the time this past week so I have been reading around about this and other things. A lot of people say "Once I started I knew it was the right choice." That much is encouraging  because it means it's okay to try things out and see how I feel. If I feel like it is making my life better I won't need another reason to keep doing it regardless of what other choices I make in my life.

I guess I have had conflicting feelings about some things but what I have wanted for a long long time is to reduce the testerone level. (this is making me realize I don't even know what my hormone levels ARE... for all I know I could already abnormally high/low testerone) but then there is the whole bone loss issue if you don't add in the estrogen.

I haven't had a super strong identification with all the secondary sex characteristics like some people here but there is the sense of estrangement with various parts of my body (to the extent that there are certain things I can't even talk to most men about because the idea of doing those things scares them so much) + the sense that it would be better to be a girl. that is not really the hyper-trans/feminity thing or the "trapped in a man's body" thing but I am learning these are stereotypes that only describe some people's experience... which probably says stereotypes will do occasionally regardless of what the stereotypes are.

[Korra]

How do you feel about now that you've started?

I've been kind of incapacitated for a lot of the time this past week so I have been reading around about this and other things. A lot of people say "Once I started I knew it was the right choice." That much is encouraging  because it means it's okay to try things out and see how I feel. If I feel like it is making my life better I won't need another reason to keep doing it regardless of what other choices I make in my life.

I guess I have had conflicting feelings about some things but what I have wanted for a long long time is to reduce the testerone level. (this is making me realize I don't even know what my hormone levels ARE... for all I know I could already abnormally high/low testerone) but then there is the whole bone loss issue if you don't add in the estrogen.

I haven't had a super strong identification with all the secondary sex characteristics like some people here but there is the sense of estrangement with various parts of my body (to the extent that there are certain things I can't even talk to most men about because the idea of doing those things scares them so much) + the sense that it would be better to be a girl. that is not really the hyper-trans/feminity thing or the "trapped in a man's body" thing but I am learning these are stereotypes that only describe some people's experience... which probably says stereotypes will do occasionally regardless of what the stereotypes are.

Now that I've started my crazy anxiety attacks over whether or not I should transition have all but gone away.  The first month was hell, i was like "Is this the right thing to do?". "shouldn't i feel calm by now?" and to be honest I didn't.  Starting didn't alleviate any of my fears, but somehow making myself take the pills everyday did sort of concrete that I want to move forward with this.  Im still early in the stages so idk how much weight my words, hold but i worry less and less these days.  I don't know if thats the calm, or my optimistic nature coming back to life.  As far as hormone levels go I was relatively surprised by mine.  I always assumed I had a skyrocketed T level due to some things like ridiculous sexdrive/acne/etc but when i went my T count was 350 our of 850( or so he told me) but he said my level was remarkably low so i have no idea how that works so have faith or science idk lol.

I think I might differ from some people on this forum so I'll share a little bit.  I actually stopped coming to this forum when i began questioning transitioning because it was making me more nervous than ever.  Everyone was sharing their stories of wanting to be a girl since the age of 5, and mine didnt really kick in till around puberty and even then not strongly.  They were also telling newcomers not to experiment with hormones as it can be dangerous until they know for sure they want to transition which made me more nervous.  Finally, I decided "->-bleeped-<- it".  I got tired of driving myself crazy, when I knew until I tried it there was never gonna be anyway to know if its what I wanted.  I decided idc if i grow breasts then regret it or become sterile I have to know if this is my future before I can move forward so i went to my endo and got started on hormones.  The first month was especially chaotic, as i was a chronic fapper and now my sex drive died so i had a lot of time to blank think about stuff.  Im still early on like I said, i have those moments where i panic and think "Wtf am i doing with my life" especially after my first laser appointment but here I am still moving forward.  I'm still not 100% that is the right path for me, but ive never been 100% on anything so it would be uncharacteristic to start now.

I'm not going to tell you to be 100% sure before you start hormones, nor am I going to tell you to be 50% sure just be aware of the consequences and decide if knowing and experimenting is worth the risk.  I decided it was and i went from there, but this is your story so thats up to you.

Good luck and feel free to reply to this post, Ill help anyway I can.

[Carbon]

I think I might differ from some people on this forum so I'll share a little bit.  I actually stopped coming to this forum when i began questioning transitioning because it was making me more nervous than ever.  Everyone was sharing their stories of wanting to be a girl since the age of 5, and mine didnt really kick in till around puberty and even then not strongly.

ME TOO.

There's like this stereotype of wanting to play with dolls and wear make up and stuff as a child, but when I was a child I actually had a pretty poor sense of gender socially. I was just as likely to make friends with a girl as a boy, I was telling people that I thought it was silly for women to have to shave their legs, I thought men should be able to act female characters... basically I didn't "get it".

But the unhappiness, both socially and physiologically, really set in around puberty and I remember telling someone I wished I was a girl as early as 11 or so, although eventually I sadly realized I would never fit even if I WAS a girl. It's basically gotten worse sense then, but I still have trouble relating to a lot of the people on here. Like I was just mentioning in another post that I don't want giant breasts and that seems to be important to a lot of people here.

I'm not sure if 350 is "remarkably low" or just on the low end of what's normal (kind of like my IQ score ). it's still interesting, though.

The libido is actually one of the things I've always hated the most so if it goes away I'll be really happy about it.

I'm not 100% sure of anything either.