Not really sure if I should be here

[FalseDichotomy]

Hi there!

I'm an 18-year-old male, but for the past few months, I've been struggling with transgender feelings. A disclaimer: Sometimes I use the improper terminology, so please don't be irked by that, and let me know if I'm using a term incorrectly! Anyway, what I mean by that is that my "transgender feelings" originally stemmed from a new-found desire to crossdress. It's not only limited to dressing, however. I'd like to actually look like a girl, not simply a man in girl's clothes. And I'd like to go out in public looking like a girl--so, it has some sort of exhibitionist quality to it. Anyway, this all came right out of nowhere just a few months ago.

I had a rough childhood, and as a result (or so I suspect), I suffer from depression and anxiety to this day. In the past few months, I've been doing a lot of introspection, and I feel that if I had been born a girl, things would be different and perhaps better for me. People have always told me I look somewhat feminine and use feminine gestures / talk in a feminine way. So, I wonder if I would have been more comfortable in my own skin if I'd been born a female, and maybe then I wouldn't have had a terrible childhood and wouldn't be faced with some of the psychological problems I have today. Furthermore, maybe the future would look a little brighter. Maybe I'd feel more comfortable and enjoy living life a little bit more, if only I'd been born a girl.

I don't really know if this is transsexualism. From what I understand, transsexualism is the feeling that one is the opposite gender from their genetic/chromosomal gender (i.e., a girl trapped in a boy's body or vice versa). I don't think I feel like I'm a girl deep down inside. Truthfully, I feel genderless inside, but of course, I am a male on the outside, so that is how I identify. For me, it's all societal in nature.

So, I'm not sure where I stand, if I am a transsexual, a transgender, or a crossdresser. Maybe I'm a combination of the two. I'm not sure I'd ever pursue hormonal therapy and SRS, but I have to admit, if I knew that I could convincingly pass as a girl, it does sound like an appealing idea. Of course, I'd cut off ties with my family and any friends (I'm not particularly close to anyone in my life, so I don't see this as a problem), and perhaps I'd move somewhere else. This would be after I graduate from college and have worked for a few years and saved money. So, the idea of hormonal therapy and SRS, and therefore actually living life as a woman someday, is appealing to me, but I don't know if I'd ever actually go through with it. And if I were asked "Do you feel like you are a woman?" I'd say no, I feel genderless. But if I were asked, "Do you feel like you should've been born a girl?" I think I would answer with yes.

Does this make sense? 

[Cindy]

Hi Honey,

Sounds pretty normal to me from the range of people who are on this site. I'll post a link to the rules and then have a discussion.


Hi, and welcome to Susan's! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way   

Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.


•   Site Terms of Service and rules to live by are in the announcement area and include:
•   Standard Terms and Definitions
•   Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos)
•   Age and the Forum
•   Reputation rules
Feel free to post and discuss anything within the rules, if you make a mistake, don't panic, report it to a Mod, there is a button to the right of your post.
If a post upsets, or is insulting to you report it to a Mod. Do not take action yourself. We are here to help you and maintain the site for all.
Our mission is to be a support site for gender dysmorphic people of any situation, so feel at home and feel comfortable. You are now family.


One thing we need to remember is that we are all different have have different concepts of where we are and want to go. These feelings also change over tome and with individuals. We keep suggesting that people have a talk with a gender therapist to help them get their feeling straight. It doesn't mean you want to transition or anything. Those are always your decisions and no one else's. Gender therapists will never talk you into something, if anything they talk you out of something. But they can be great to keep you at ease.

Oh BTW there is nothing wrong with you, your feelings, desires or 'fantasies'. You are perfectly normal human being. There are a spectrum of people here both MtF like me, and FtM. We are all perfectly normal, friendly and helpful. We make friends easily with each other and we support each other.

So Welcome.

I'm one of the Australian girls, we have people from all around the world.

Hugs
Cindy

[Jamie D]

Part of the reason this site exists is education.  Another part is support.

You will find scads of people here who are on a journey not unlike yours.

My own journey reminds me of the Robert Frost poem, The Road Not Taken, which concludes:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—   
I took the one less traveled by,   
And that has made all the difference.

[Nero]

Welcome FalseDichotomy!
Of course you should be here, regardless of the journey you take.

You mentioned  a rough childhood and wondering whether or not things would have been better for you for you were a girl. I don't know what type of experiences you're referencing but sadly sometimes child abuse can seem gender specific.

A boy may suffer abuse designed to 'toughen him up'; a girl may suffer a misogynist type of abuse. Either gender may suffer sexual abuse which they may not have been targeted for had they been the other gender. Peer abuse can also be gender specific. And even non gender specific circumstances can be colored by gender.

Something to explore is whether your feelings of wanting to be a girl stem mostly from the belief you would have had a better childhood. A gender therapist could help you with that.
In the meantime, look around and join in the forums. You're in the right place wherever your journey takes you.

[justmeinoz]

Hi and welcome.  There are quite a few people under the Transgender umbrella who are not sure where exactly they fit in the scheme of things early on.  Some settle in the parking spot marked "Androgyne", and others end up a free-floating "non- gender-specific" person.  At this stage you sound like you are in the Questioning stage of things in GLBTIQ.
A good gender therapist can help sort out a lot of your questions fairly quickly.  The main thing is that there is no right or wrong involved, just what you feel is neccessary to lead an authentic life. 

Karen.

[Devlyn]

Hi Falsedichotomy, it's nice to meet you! We're glad you found the site. Jump right in and start making friends! Hugs, Devlyn

[peky]

Welcome, welcome !

Perhaps after you bring the depression under control, you may be able to see clearer if you have some gender issues as well. Good luck

[CybeleNV9751]

Welcome indeed!  You'll discover that there is a very fluid spectrum of being transgender, and you should fit right in.  May I suggest that you read some books by Kate Bornstein, Julia Serano, and go through all the online resources available. 

[Trapped07]

Welcome, I'm new here as well and I'm in a similar position, names Jaz.  Feel free to shoot me a pm, though as I'm new to this as well I haven't much to offer other than friendship and support.  I wish you luck and welcome to Susan's.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi FalseDichotomy

A big Aussie welcome to the best family bar none, Susan's. I'm so glad you have taken the time to share your thoughts and feelings. Just acknowledging those initial feeling can move you so far forward, into greater clarity.

There is an awful lot of truth that has been spoken to you, in just this brief introduction. Think what more can be said and enlightened on when you open yourself up more. And it is quite safe to do so here.

Anyways, look forward to hearing more about you and how you are coping, as time goes on. In the meantime, be safe, well and happy
Lotsa Huggs
Catherine

[annette]

Hi FalseDichotomy

Welcome to the forums and greetings from the Netherlands.
I really don't know what part of the gender spectrum you belong I think only time can tell.
Just like you i had a horrible childhood and for what I remember it was more surviving than living.
I recognize a lot in your story, I mean I was in my mid twenties when I had some rest and peace for the first time in life.

I didn't have to survive and avoid the beatings at that moment and than the feelings came over me that there was something terrible wrong.
I wasn't feeling a man and I didn't belong to the girls either, very confusing.

For me it was a matter of time to get things clear, because the beatings were only to make me a man, my parents hated my behaviour and wanted to change that with a lot of violence, actually, it didn't work but they get me playing a role of a boy to avoid more trouble.
I played that role for many years and I started to believe that I was that role, it was just becoming a part of me.

when I had some peace in life, I wasn't so sure about my role anymore and the true Annette came out.
The quality of my life improved very much since than.

I hope you will find also your way to a happy life.
In the mean time you can learn more about yourself trough the stories of others.

Good luck on your discovering journey and remember, you're not alone anymore, you've got friends worldwide.

hugs
Annette