Hedgehog's Dilemna

[ZeldaHeart]

"The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp quills. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid."  (That's from Wikipedia)

There's a guy I know that has asked me multiple times for my phone number and I've turned him down (nicely) every time.  He's very cute and sweet too.  He also asked if he could kiss me and I didn't let him and asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend.  He's a nice guy and we both really like each other.  However, he doesn't know I'm trans and if we get into a relationship it could end horribly; him feeling betrayed/hurt and/or me getting physically hurt or killed.  We're getting closer but if he gets too close we could both really get hurt.  I'd like to be in a relationship with him but it's a really scary prospect to think about.  Any advice?  Thank you for reading.

[Bird]

I would open myself up to the relationship. Eventually you wil have to disclose, and I would do it in a fairly public area with a lot of people around, to be safe.

[ZeldaHeart]

Thanks for responding, Bird.  The thing is that if he figures out I'm trans through disclosure, a bunch of other people that really shouldn't know would probably figure out.  Your optimism about opening myself to the relationship is helpful.

[Jamie D]

Balancing act, ZeldaHeart.  If you are stealth, you have to be stealth all the way, or you're not stealth at all.

You're pre-op too, right?

[Bird]

Well, I didn't know about that detail of your situation, it seens sticky. As Jamie said, if you are stealth and want it to keep that way for now, you will have to avoid the person.

However, avoiding human contact because you are trans seens cruel. It is something you would have to decide for yourself and no one can tell you what to do. If you decide to go on with it, I would disclose after a few dates, so that person has a general idea about you and the trans label doesn't shadows your personality, but not late enough so they'd find through other means, and certainly before going to bed with them, no matter if you are pre or post op.

Though if you are passing 100% you could tell them much later. I guess I don't know really what to say, so I'm stopping 😛

[Ashley_C]

I'm not yet on hormones so I can't yet identify with your issue so take my advice for what it's worth but you may want to try easing him into the subject and feel him out for his opinions.

If he seems receptive and open-minded you can be more comfortable, if not, at least you'll know.

[Stephanie_b]

I would tell him only when necessary, like after several dates.  Its likely that he would find out eventually by other means, but this way yoou could possibly avoid a lot of hurt (him and yourself). 

The more you become into each other, and the later you tell him, the greater the chance is that it won't end in a good way.

[CybeleNV9751]

All I know is that the answer to the question, "How do porcupines make love?", is: Very Carefully!  😀

[justmeinoz]

It's a dilemma alright.   You haven't mentioned what age group you are in, but from your post I take it you are fairly young.
I guess the best you can do is to let him know that you want to be honest with him, and will understand if he changes his mind, because you don't want to cause him any pain. 
I'd give him as much info about GID as a medical condition as you can easily explain, and then it's up to him.  If he understands that you have always been a girl who has a few anomalies, through no fault of her own, you should be okay.
Sort of a " I really would like to be your girlfriend, but before we get involved, there is something I have to be ruthlessly, totally honest about....."

Hope it works out.  It's good to have a special someone in your life.

Karen.