anyone freak out after going full time?

[auburnAubrey]

Just wondering what the first few weeks of going full time are like.  I'm not sure why I'm hung up on it being different... but it's going to be different.

Were there any situations or thoughts that really stood out for you when doing the FTE?

[Kelly J. P.]

 Not really. I started out pretty androgynously, so it was weird being called "he" and "she" both frequently in the same day. Other than that, though, it was... pretty much the same, except happier despite the constant misgendering.

Very uneventful - thankfully.

[Alainaluvsu]

I started full time about a month ago, so it's still pretty fresh in my mind.

When leaving the house as a female I'm very comfortable. I'm only kind of on edge when I'm around people that have a tendency to slip up.

The only time I'm really on edge is when I have to present my ID or when I go out in boy mode (very rare, like when I go to the DMV). The only reason is I'm like "Well are they going to see me as female or as male?" I still have it in my mind that I'm *hoping* I pass as a female even in boy clothes, and I just kinda like flinch and hold my breath in hopes they call me maam, even though I'm wearing boy clothes and you can see the 5 oclock shadow on my face. Strange huh?

And.. the entire month I've only been sir'd once, and that's after being ma'amd initially, then they saw that I had a full face of facial hair. I confused him so much (my voice is 100% passable), that by the end of the conversation, he would NOT gender me. I could tell he was uncomfortable (but friendly).

[wendy]

I got lucky and had a mentor in a distant land.  I was absolutely positive that I never passed but it appears I at least passed or was accepted.  It was nice.

In my hometown I have a few trans friends that will join me for an evening.  I now live two distinct genders.

If you have a support network you are less likely to freakout.  I am not sure how people were able to do things without a support network.

[bullwinklle]

The first time out for me was a mixture of excitement and nervousness. Fortunately I had my mom with me (who kind of pushed me out of the nest into full-time without warning: it was a phone call of "come over, try on some clothes, then we're going out."), which, like wendy suggested about a support network, helped. We went to a big public venue with a lot of people, so it was easy to blend in and be discreet, and once you're in the foray, you just stop worrying about everything.  You also realize that most people are too caught up with their own business to notice you.

Each time after the first gets easier and easier, and it quickly becomes your "normal". You might have awkward moments or slip ups, but it's best to just move past those and not dwell on them.

[auburnAubrey]

I'm pretty much always "ma'am"ed when I go out, even without makeup on....  I still sometimes go out kind of in the middle.... women's jeans, and t-shirt... but not much or no makeup.  My breasts are a large A, small B, so you can see them, and my face no longer has hair.  I really haven't gone out in full male mode in a long time.

All of my friends are super supportive, and most the girls when we go out tell me that they see why this is my path, and only see me as a woman.  So as far as friends go, that's not a problem.  I don't really have a problem shopping, even when still using my male voice (Still working on the female voice, but not 100% comfortable with it yet.)

But I guess there's something very real to me about leaving the male behind totally........ and ONLY being a woman.  Which I know is crazy, because I can still go out without make up on, and really, nothing but my breasts will be different. (getting Augmentation).

I really can't put my finger on why I'm anxious about it.  I know it's no real difference than now...... just all the time.

You know, just typing this I'm realizing my own craziness.  I sometimes just feel a little anxiety over it.  After all, it will only be "woman" from now on. (Well, after august).  uugh..... a mind is a terrible thing.... lol

[bullwinklle]

I really can't put my finger on why I'm anxious about it.  I know it's no real difference than now...... just all the time.

It sounds like your mentality is well-prepared for full-time, and really, not much changes about it from the last day of part-time to the first day of full-time. I've found the mental feeling of going from part-time/not presenting to full-time to be like turning 21. Year 20, day 365,  your mentality (about drinking alcohol) isn't much different from year 21, day 1, but it represents a milestone (you're allowed to legally consume alcohol), one of which most strangers aren't even aware.

You sound like you are comfortable in a full-time setting with the general public, so I'm curious if there is something specific marking your start of full-time, such as going to work/school as "Y" instead of "X", or a surgery or something else? I didn't have something like that myself, so the change from part-time to full-time was almost anticlimactic.

But I guess there's something very real to me about leaving the male behind totally........ and ONLY being a woman.  Which I know is crazy, because I can still go out without make up on, and really, nothing but my breasts will be different. (getting Augmentation).

Starting full-time is just another step away from your familiar past, and any sane person feels anxious outside of their comfort zone. You mentioned "leaving the male behind": that is something for which you can mentally prepare yourself now, before full-time starts. Now would be a good time to let yourself become accustomed to the idea that "I am a woman" rather than "I am a woman sometimes, and a man at other times". Even if you still have to present as a male in the interim, I don't know, play it off as role play or dress up or something. But don't stray from the "I am a woman" mentality, and by the time full-time officially starts, it should be habit by then.

Even if the fear of "leaving the male behind" is connected to thoughts that you can't go back or that it would be more difficult to go back, I don't believe there is a "point of no return" with transition. You can always go back, though undoing certain physical changes may be difficult, or in some cases, impossible.

[auburnAubrey]

I'm curious if there is something specific marking your start of full-time, such as going to work/school as "Y" instead of "X", or a surgery or something else? I didn't have something like that myself, so the change from part-time to full-time was almost anticlimactic.

One thing that might be true.. is I am a paramedic / firefighter.  And work has been AMAZING through all of this, including the people there. (many are actually excited to see me post FFS).  But I do feel some people just see me as me with long hair...... and great skin. lol.  When I come back from FFS and BA, AND a new voice.... I just wonder how they will react then. And strangely enough, I've been practicing my new voice talking like I do with patients... because I am very aggressive as a medic.  That feels a bit weird for me, and probably part of the problem.  I'm wondering if I'll take control of the chaos like before, or be more timid because I feel strange with a new voice.  (Of course, when a patient is involved, I see me just using my male voice if the sh*t hits the fan, if I can't control the scene with my female voice from nerves...)

Starting full-time is just another step away from your familiar past, and any sane person feels anxious outside of their comfort zone. You mentioned "leaving the male behind": that is something for which you can mentally prepare yourself now, before full-time starts. Now would be a good time to let yourself become accustomed to the idea that "I am a woman" rather than "I am a woman sometimes, and a man at other times". Even if you still have to present as a male in the interim, I don't know, play it off as role play or dress up or something. But don't stray from the "I am a woman" mentality, and by the time full-time officially starts, it should be habit by then.

Very nice.  I love it.  great perspective

Even if the fear of "leaving the male behind" is connected to thoughts that you can't go back or that it would be more difficult to go back, I don't believe there is a "point of no return" with transition. You can always go back, though undoing certain physical changes may be difficult, or in some cases, impossible.

I know nothing is reversable above the belt... although after FFS, if I ever did go back to male, I'd be a very pretty man.... (But some people tell me that now.  lol).  It's not the fear of not being able to go back if I feel it's a mistake... it's more just a general anxiety.  I don't think there's even specific thoughts when the anxiety arises.  But once it does, some of my thoughts that I let play with my head certainly don't help. (EG: This is the wrong thing to do, if it was right, why would I be anxious?)

Like I said.... sometimes when I talk about it, I wonder why I have anxiety at all...... but here it is!

[Veronica Morph]

Maybe my post is a not exactly to what the "full time " concept really means, i explain...

I am a cd and im not planning to transition at all, but i did try to see if being a lady full time for 48 hours can work on me and makes me be me or not,

so i decided to give to my self two free days where i will disconect totally from my normal male life and duties, checking in to tis hotel in the middle of the city and ready to transform and be veronica for the whole 48 hours and see if i was going to be able 1 to stay as veronica, 2 like it, and 3 pass.

As i already started to go out fully dressed and each time i still feel the challenge get nervous and shy, i went out the first night i love it as always i do the outings, normally i do them at night, but for some reason during the day i stayed in my bedroom, i blamed i was too busy arranging my self and trying out my clothes.

the day after i completely was not in the mood so i couldnt stay in a dress i instead went as myself as a man out to have a nice lunch have a walk and did what i wanted, enjoying and understood that being veronica is for when i am in my mood and I understood that for me is a game like playing tennis, and not a lifestyle to adopt.

thats why i decided to post this in this thread.
I did not freak out i actually couldnt  be full time.

[wendy]

I know nothing is reversable above the belt... although after FFS, if I ever did go back to male, I'd be a very pretty man.... (But some people tell me that now.  lol).  It's not the fear of not being able to go back if I feel it's a mistake... it's more just a general anxiety.  I don't think there's even specific thoughts when the anxiety arises.  But once it does, some of my thoughts that I let play with my head certainly don't help. (EG: This is the wrong thing to do, if it was right, why would I be anxious?)

Like I said.... sometimes when I talk about it, I wonder why I have anxiety at all...... but here it is!

Actually I have a lot of anxiety in any change- good or bad.  I do not easily accept change and  have little confidence in myself.  I feel my surgeries have outpaced my internal ability to accept change.  Maybe it is confidence.  Maybe it is not getting support from some very important people in your life.

................

I am a cd and im not planning to transition at all, but i did try to see if being a lady full time for 48 hours can work on me and makes me be me or not, so i decided to give to my self two free days where i will disconect totally from my normal male life and duties, checking in to tis hotel in the middle of the city and ready to transform and be veronica for the whole 48 hours and see if i was going to be able 1 to stay as veronica, 2 like it, and 3 pass.

As i already started to go out fully dressed and each time i still feel the challenge get nervous and shy, i went out the first night i love it as always i do the outings, normally i do them at night, but for some reason during the day i stayed in my bedroom, i blamed i was too busy arranging my self and trying out my clothes.

the day after i completely was not in the mood so i couldnt stay in a dress i instead went as myself as a man out to have a nice lunch have a walk and did what i wanted, enjoying and understood that being veronica is for when i am in my mood and I understood that for me is a game like playing tennis, and not a lifestyle to adopt.

thats why i decided to post this in this thread.
I did not freak out i actually couldnt  be full time.

Thank you Veronica.  I do not like concept of "adopt new life style".  I just want to be me and I do not want to run off to a special part of town to live an alternative life style.   I think unknown is causing fear which is causing anxiety.

[Cindi Jones]

My family and church managed to talk me into trying to go back after a month or so. It was such a negative experience that I pretty much lost it and ended up in a padded room.... well I admitted myself... well... my parents actually made their own arrangements over those of MY doctor. It was a cluster frag. I suppose that month was the single most defining point in my life.

Cindi

[MiaOhMya!]

When I went "full time" it was a dramatic, sharp change from being mostly andro/ boyish to always being myself. I had never experimented with going out before, not once, as it just didn't feel right at the time. Clothing was/is for me somehow disconnected from my gender identity.

Those first times going out full time were scary! I was afraid I looked ridiculous. Looking back now I see it was a very necessary period of growth. I was like a child learning to walk. I stumbled in fear, then stood in resolve. It was up/down for at least two months. I mostly passed, but the occasional "sir" was disproportionately devestating. Eventually it just sorta went away....I pass today, and I dont really know why. It's a mystery to me, and that for me is the hardest part: ACCEPTING that I am okay.

My feelings have become all bogged up after years of torture in a specific direction. Today the torture has stopped, yet it still remains. Feelings of self hate and doubt creep in, just as they had. Conquering that aspect of myself has been by far the toughest part of being full time and transitioning. That is to say the scariest and toughest part of it all so far has not been society or passing, but facing myself and letting myself become comfortable with who I am. I think that fear is the reason many true trans people de-transition or never transition...the unknown is scary, and many of us run back to what we knew even if it feels wrong. This is an internal journey above all else.

[auburnAubrey]

When I went "full time" it was a dramatic, sharp change from being mostly andro/ boyish to always being myself. I had never experimented with going out before, not once, as it just didn't feel right at the time. Clothing was/is for me somehow disconnected from my gender identity.

Those first times going out full time were scary! I was afraid I looked ridiculous. Looking back now I see it was a very necessary period of growth. I was like a child learning to walk. I stumbled in fear, then stood in resolve. It was up/down for at least two months. I mostly passed, but the occasional "sir" was disproportionately devestating. Eventually it just sorta went away....I pass today, and I dont really know why. It's a mystery to me, and that for me is the hardest part: ACCEPTING that I am okay.

My feelings have become all bogged up after years of torture in a specific direction. Today the torture has stopped, yet it still remains. Feelings of self hate and doubt creep in, just as they had. Conquering that aspect of myself has been by far the toughest part of being full time and transitioning. That is to say the scariest and toughest part of it all so far has not been society or passing, but facing myself and letting myself become comfortable with who I am. I think that fear is the reason many true trans people de-transition or never transition...the unknown is scary, and many of us run back to what we knew even if it feels wrong. This is an internal journey above all else.

That was so very well said.  Thank you.  I really, really connect with that last paragraph.... It was if you almost said it for me. 

So thanks.... in its own way, that helps me relax just a little bit more.

[Tristan]

for me it was weird. i tried to stay in male mode after FFS and boob job buy wearing a jacket and pulling my hair back. it did not work. after getting ms for 3 days i said looks like im full time and just went with it. i am loving the door holding and stuff though.

[wendy]

for me it was weird. i tried to stay in male mode after FFS and boob job buy wearing a jacket and pulling my hair back. it did not work. after getting ms for 3 days i said looks like im full time and just went with it. i am loving the door holding and stuff though.

I finally feel cross dresser since dressing as guy.  This is first time in my life I have ever felt like a cross dresser.

I marginally pass as guy around family and neighborhood and marginally pass as a gal when away.

Family asks me to do this because they are not ashamed of me but embarrassed by me.

It will work for a while as I have place to live.

[Nov413]

The first time that I went out I was very nervous, but it was worth it.
Now, I am close to begin living full-time, and I think it will be an experience that I need to have. Like MiaOhMya! said, it really is the unknown that bothers you. Sometimes I ask myself, why am I doing this? Why do I need to make life so much harder than it already is when you could just continue living as you do now? After all, this is all you've known, and you're safe. But then I tell myself that I need this to be happy. And the risks will be worth it.
So yes, I think it's normal to be nervous about going full-time. I certainly am, and that's with almost no experience, but it has to be done.

[Romeo Seeks Ophelia]

Well, first off I am not a TS Girl but that's all I want in my life if I can find her, anywho just some man's view or feedback that's friendly is, "If your confident we men can see it, if your not trying the woman you are always rises to the top and surface so just remember, "Your as much a woman as you feel you are and we feel right we feel it right along with you." Oh and if your just being you without having to look in a mirror every 3 seconds then your all set. Truthfully I Love TS girls always I have been confused and I fought my whole life about who I am so when I found out that I prefer you real women who are true healers of men's feelings I know trust me on this one. Just be the girls you are on the inside and push her out to the surface, it's only then that no man can truly say, "She's, TS/TV/T" because you have acclimated yourselves into the populous of all women and no one knows not even me OK, you have to trust me on this one. I'm sure it's easier said than done but if you let go you will suddenly be that woman your are on the inside.

[JenAtLast]

The first time that I went out I was very nervous, but it was worth it.
Now, I am close to begin living full-time, and I think it will be an experience that I need to have. Like MiaOhMya! said, it really is the unknown that bothers you. Sometimes I ask myself, why am I doing this? Why do I need to make life so much harder than it already is when you could just continue living as you do now? After all, this is all you've known, and you're safe. But then I tell myself that I need this to be happy. And the risks will be worth it.
So yes, I think it's normal to be nervous about going full-time. I certainly am, and that's with almost no experience, but it has to be done.

Thank you for post this, ShiningStar....it gives me the perspective I need.   I am going through this very thing right now.  I am such an emotional wreck right now I keep feeling like I'm going to have a breakdown as I struggle with fear but at the same time know it is right.