feeling low.

[Darrin Scott]

I've been feeling bad lately. I'm really pissed off and feel like I should detransition. Believe me, I don't want to. The thought makes me upset, but I just don't feel trans enough. My new therapist says if you're not confident in your identity, you must not be trans. The thought is depressing because, for some strange reason. I want to be trans. I like taking t and being read as male etc, but people make fun of me. My own family does. My background isn't the typical trans background, either. I haven't always known. I don't hate my body, etc. I feel unworthy of being trans and feel like I should just be a girl. It pisses me off, but I feel like I'm not worthy. I hate being around my family because eyes make fun of me. I really want this and can't let go, but almost feel like I have to because I should just live as a girl. Everyone is telling me to.

[Sharky]

You may very well be trans and it could just be the pressure and lack of support getting to you. You may even just be a masculine woman. No one can tell you what you are. I would guess the first one. I ts not easy to have confidence when the people you love put you down. Transitioning isn a race. If it doesn't feel right now for whatever reason, there's no harm in stopping. You have the rest of your life to continue. I don't think there is a right way to live you life or transition.

Would it be possible for you to get away from family and surround yourself with just thoes who support?

Good luck.

[driven]

First of all, there's no test you have to pass to be worthy of being trans. Sounds like your therapist is from the old school where every trans person had to fit a certain mold. As long as you know you're happy taking T and being read as male, you're probably on the right track.

Regarding the family stuff, I try to keep this Steve Jobs quote in mind, especially that first line:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.
Don't be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people's thinking.
Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice.
And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.
They somehow already know what you truly want to become.
Everything else is secondary."

Let's say you do stay a girl to make everyone else happy. Then a few years from now you meet someone you'd like to marry and they don't approve...or you take a job they think isn't good enough...or you want to move out of town but they don't want you to leave. Do they have the right to make those life decisions for you too?

The only difference I see is the shame we're supposed to feel for being trans, which I think is total BS. Try to remember that you're not doing anything bad or wrong or perverted by transitioning. Make the decision that you feel is right for you. After all, you'll have to live with yourself a lot longer than you'll have to live with them.

[Darrin Scott]

Thanks guys. I wrote that on my phone so excuse any mistakes. I know you're right, driven. I need to do what's write for me and not for anyone else. People have been controlling me for a while and making me feel bad for being me. I'm sick of it. I'm really sick of being depressed because someone else doesn't like my decisions. That quote is so true.

[King Malachite]

I'm just going to echo what the other guys said.  In general, many people like to tell others what they should do and how they should live and what is right and what is wrong even though they have never walked a mile in that person's shoes and if they did a lot of them would fold within the first 5 feet.  They don't have to go through what you do so their opinions are invalid.  There are so many close-minded people that are afraid be open-minded of things that are not in the "norm" to them.  If the states still had that type of attitude then women would still not be able to vote and slavery woud probably still be around. 

As far as not feeling trans enough or worthy to transition....well I assume your old therapist said that you were competant enough to understand all that goes on and gave you the letter of recomendation right?  If it was good enough for your old therapist then surely you must be worthy enough to transition.  Some transmen love their bodies as is and refuses to physically transition.  I know one guy in particular that I saw on youtube that views his transition as more of a spiritual thing so he doesn't feel the need to change his body.

Only you know your body and what you need but whatever you do please do it for yourself and not others because at the end of the day you are the only one that carries your burdens when you put your head to your pillow to rest.  If everyone else around you gets to enjoy their life then you should be able to as well.  You just have to ask yourself whatever you do will it make you truly happy?

[driven]

I'm really sick of being depressed because someone else doesn't like my decisions.

Screw 'em. In my experience, people like that will try to make you miserable over everything, not just trans stuff. They're usually miserable themselves and want you to stay right there with them. The sooner you can tune them out, the happier you'll be.

I've been reading this guy's blog all morning and just came across a good post that really hits this point home:

http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/an-important-thing-no-one-will-tell-you/

(I seriously could rant about this subject all day. I've been spending way too much time at my mom's retirement home with old folks regretting all the things they didn't do when they were younger. Trust me, you don't want to end up like that. It's really sad, especially the people who had money saved up, but just didn't do anything with it.)

[King Malachite]

Screw 'em. In my experience, people like that will try to make you miserable over everything, not just trans stuff. They're usually miserable themselves and want you to stay right there with them.

This ^  Misery loves company.


Also if I may point out your title, "Express Yourself Don't Repress Yourself.  I find that to be very fitting in this situation.

[Amazon D]

today will be a shadow when tomorrow comes around

[MacKenzie]

  Hey Darrin! I hope you don't mind me chiming in here but I thought I should share my own experience with you as we're kinda in the same situation.

  I detransitioned when i was younger mainly because of pressure from my family and lack of financial resources. Shortly after I started living full-time my family came to the conclusion that this wasn't a phase and it would make the family look bad, they disowned me and I ended up living in my car for a few months in the dead of winter. I caved into my family's demands and decided to go back to living as a boy because I thought it would be easier and I didn't want to be alone. I tried to kill myself a few times over the years that went by and even started using drugs, to my family that was better then being a ->-bleeped-<- freak.

  Now at 24 i'm transitioning again and I feel like 10 x better then I did living as a male but the regret I feel from detransitioning just to make others happy at the cost of my own happiness is a heavy burden to bear. I cry myself to sleep often over what happend. 

  You just have to accept the the fact that not everyone will accept you this way especially family and friends. Sometimes all you can do is cut people like that off from your life completely. Pressure from unsupportive people can cause you to doubt yourself and what you're doing.

  Having the courage to be yourself and go against the dominate thinking of others around you is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism there is.   

[thefire]

I would say that you can be trans, you're just letting everyone's negativity affect you too much. Believe me I do know what that's like. I still can't help but let people's negative comments affect me and bring me down a little. And I do think it's really wrong for a therapist to say you might not be trans, especially if this isn't a gender therapist. But in any case, I don't really think I need a therapist to tell me who I am as a person, and you shouldn't rely on a therapist's say so to be who you are as a person either. I think you're just encountering a lot of BS and negativity and it's getting to you. I'm not on T yet and I wish I were, but I don't expect to be until I can move somewhere else where being trans isn't such an alien concept. But since you like being on T and being read as male, then I would say that that is your identity. Don't let anyone else discourage you from that. I think I have gotten more hate in life than 1000 outcasts put together have experienced, so I know what it's like to feel like everyone is just picking at you and trying to bring you down and keep you where they want you. And as for being "trans enough" don't let any of that BS get to you either. There are trans people out there who are against taking hormones & having surgery and living their lives as the gender they identify with and feel that they are just male/female enough as it is without going further. Don't let other people's negativity dictate your life. Because in the end you won't be happy going along with what everyone else tells you to do.

[Darrin Scott]

Thanks everyone! It means a lot. I know I need to live my own life and not the life everyone wants me to live. It's just hard when people are cutting you down. I'll definitely talk to my therapist about all of this too and talk about how you can't tell other people if they're trans* or not. It's just not right.

[Natkat]

reminds me of the saying: before you dignose yourself with depression, you have to make sure your infact not just surounded by idiots.

[Marvel]

 

I detransitioned when i was younger mainly because of pressure from my family and lack of financial resources

Yeah these factors and some can leave you feeling confused and having low confidence in your identity.

OP you clearly stated you dont want to detransition, seems to me it things around you geting you down.  I'm Ok with people who detransition because thats what they want, its just really sad when its circumstances around them forcing them to do so.  Know the feeling, I think about what I'm going to do after university, jobs, making a living and stuff like that. I ont be in that bubble anymore where I can just do what i want, but in the real word, where you are expected to be a certain way.  its enough to force me  to want to detransition even if I would never want to. I feel like when that time comes, detransition would be the only option, and it sucks.

Just evaluate what the roots of those feelings are coming from really, and see how it works out from there.