Do Or Did You Ever Have Internalized Hate Towards Yourself?

[King Malachite]

I have had internalized hate and in some cases I still do.  Some of the things that I have had or still have internalized hate towards to includes my race, family, height, weight, sexual identify, trans identity, looks, personality, location, etc.

[Jamie D]

Hatred eats away at the soul.

I have read many of your posts and find you to be a bright and engaging person.  Tell me a couple of good things about yourself; things that you like. (I've already told you two!) 

[King Malachite]

It's not much other than I guess I'm somewhat good at saving money and I try to be courteous to everyone.

[Jamie D]

It's not much other than I guess I'm somewhat good at saving money and I try to be courteous to everyone.

Okay, you are organized (saving money toward a goal) and you are polite/sociable (courteous).

Do you think people like you, especially those of us here? It seems to me you have a number of traits that people like.

[King Malachite]

Okay, you are organized (saving money toward a goal) and you are polite/sociable (courteous).

Do you think people like you, especially those of us here? It seems to me you have a number of traits that people like.

I htink for the most part people like me on here, or at least feel neutral.  I guess some people like me outside of here.  I don't so much at school so most wouldn't know.

[Jam]

I htink for the most part people like me on here, or at least feel neutral.  I guess some people like me outside of here.  I don't so much at school so most wouldn't know.

I like you dude, seem like a nice enough guy to me.

I used to have bucket loads of internalised hatred aimed entirely at myself. I hated myself because I couldn't be like everyone else and if there was one thing I wanted desperately  in high school it was to be normal.
I felt it was my fault I was different because I was a 'freak' and thereby any bullying I got or anything bad that happened in my life was something I ultimately deserved.
I did not know I was trans, but I did know I found it impossible to be a girl. My natural way of doing things was just like a guy, for example how I sat, what I was interested in. I couldn't understand girls clothing at all and so the fact I couldn't be what I was supposed to was something I was reminded of every second of the day. I was infuriated at myself that I had to physically assess every movement I made for the 6 hours a day I was at school.
I could never be myself not even around my parents because I did not want them to see me as others did. I didn't want them to know I was weird.
I stopped being able to look in mirrors eventually, at my worst point I repeatedly punched myself in the face because I was so disgusted and fed up of not being right. I also felt a coward and weak because I never stood up for myself.
I remember thinking repeatedly 'why can't I just be a boy, I'm exactly like them and I want to look exactly like them. So why am I a girl'

Hmm that was a bit of a sob story but you know you did ask lol. You wouldn't believe how laid back I am these days. Barely anything troubles me, if you could sum me up now in a picture if would be a guy snoozing in a hammock between two palm trees on a deserted beach in the carribean lol.

[Amazon D]

I hated the person that my body created due to T which was removed over 14 yrs ago and i have loved myself ever since. I actually use to be a letch. I hated that person for having sexual thoughts about women i saw or dated and well it was hell. Thankfully thats all behind me.. i love the real me 

[Jamie D]

I think for the most part people like me on here, or at least feel neutral.  I guess some people like me outside of here.  I don't so much at school so most wouldn't know.

What I am getting at is, most of those things you mentioned as hating about yourself, are inconsequential to your friends here. And I would think that would be the same for the public as well.  It is the content of your character that counts.

You can't choose your family/parents or race, so there is no use fretting over that. You can choose to change your weight, body type, location, as so on.  Take small steps to improve what you can, and remember you have friends here who want to help.

[King Malachite]

I like you dude, seem like a nice enough guy to me.

I used to have bucket loads of internalised hatred aimed entirely at myself. I hated myself because I couldn't be like everyone else and if there was one thing I wanted desperately  in high school it was to be normal.
I felt it was my fault I was different because I was a 'freak' and thereby any bullying I got or anything bad that happened in my life was something I ultimately deserved.
I did not know I was trans, but I did know I found it impossible to be a girl. My natural way of doing things was just like a guy, for example how I sat, what I was interested in. I couldn't understand girls clothing at all and so the fact I couldn't be what I was supposed to was something I was reminded of every second of the day. I was infuriated at myself that I had to physically assess every movement I made for the 6 hours a day I was at school.
I could never be myself not even around my parents because I did not want them to see me as others did. I didn't want them to know I was weird.
I stopped being able to look in mirrors eventually, at my worst point I repeatedly punched myself in the face because I was so disgusted and fed up of not being right. I also felt a coward and weak because I never stood up for myself.
I remember thinking repeatedly 'why can't I just be a boy, I'm exactly like them and I want to look exactly like them. So why am I a girl'

Hmm that was a bit of a sob story but you know you did ask lol. You wouldn't believe how laid back I am these days. Barely anything troubles me, if you could sum me up now in a picture if would be a guy snoozing in a hammock between two palm trees on a deserted beach in the carribean lol.

Thanks mate.  The top story pretty much sums me up a lot.

@Jamie the family/race thing is more behind me now or at least put in a neutral state and I'm trying to work on the other few things to the bes of my abilities at the moment especially the weight and location part.

[justmeinoz]

In my teenage years I did, as I had no idea what was wrong with me, and felt like the stereotypical freak.  I wanted to be a "normal guy" like everyone else, but with 20-20 hindsight I guess others could see what I couldn't. 
I got over it eventually, but it took a long time. 

Karen.

[luna nyan]

Self hatred is something that I've found easy to fall into at times.
I've hated myself for being too eager to please and meet the expectations of family/society and not pursuing the harder path.
I've hated myself for trying to deny who I am and making attempts to be super masculine in the past.
I've hated myself for not fitting in properly - always labelled as the "nice guy" who got along with everyone but always feeling as though I was on the outside looking in.

It's something that comes and goes, along with some of life's regrets.  I've found dwelling on the things I don't like about myself self-destructive and I've consciously chosen to let those things go, trying to rectify what I can.

Malachite, from this forum you seem to be a charming and friendly person.  Look to your positives and realize that you have worth to others - even if the people immediately around you cannot see it. Q(' 'Q) *cheer*