Could use some advice and help

[ItachiUchiha]

Just warning you, this is long so thank you so much if you read it all I am 19, born a male, and have been tortured with thoughts that I am transsexual over the last year. My whole life I had several female mannerisms and always wished as a kid that I could be a girl (although I never dressed up or anything). However, my dad was always trying his hardest to make me into a tough man so I pushed those thoughts to the back of my head. Now, I am in college and can make my own decisions, and now I'm thinking these thoughts again. I'm not really unhappy with being a guy, but I would much prefer a female body and I don't like the social role that the guy has (ie. being more dominant, acting touch, etc.).

Like I said, I have always kinda wished I could be a girl and if I was somehow given an instant, free ability to do so then I wouldn't waste a second accepting that offer. I feel like I am going to grow more and more unhappy with being a guy and I just have to know what I am. My dream is to be a decent looking girl, find a nice job in a big city, and find someone to love that I can just cuddle with, hug, and kiss all the time. I feel so envious of all cis women because they have it so easy and get to live the life I have always wanted.

But, there are just so many drawbacks that I can't justify transitioning. These are: it takes a long time, I don't have the money (especially being in college right now), I have no idea how my friends and family would take it, the threat of not passing and being ridiculed every day, and the fact that I may never be able to get a good job. I know it's kind of a do or don't and there isn't really a choice if I want to be happy, but this all just seems so impossible and I feel like I may lose everything that I still have doing this. I have been disappointed at every turn in my life with two different fathers leaving me, living with my mom on a budget that would be considered poor during high school, having several close friends and relatives pass away, and just having bad luck at every turn in life. Really all I have left is my family and the hope that college will land me a good job to help my mom out.

What do you guys think? I know you will probably say only I can decide or I need to see a therapist but I can't seeing as I have literally no money. But going off of your own experience, does it sound like I am definitely transsexual and should look into transitioning soon? I just want an answer so that I can figure out how I am going to balance everything out and pay for HRT, and I can't go around paying for therapy either. Thanks if you read all this and for any replies

[Maja.V]

Hey there,

I can say I've had exactly the same thoughts and feelings before starting my transition, and the very same concerns about transitioning as you.

Being young, hormones will help you out a great deal if and when you decide to go through with it. They're not going to turn you into a beatiful woman, but they're gonna lend you a strong hand.

Just about every one of us is concerned with passing, but with a bit of effort put into makeup, hair and other things, one can easily pass. It just takes time and practice.

Transitioning does take time, though there are people who present as female even before HRT, some  it after a few months, others after a couple of years. I'm planning on going as female for the first time after around 10 months, because I know I'll feel comfortable to do it then. My hair will have grown out, I'll be moving to uni dorms, etc, and I'm sure I'll be able to pass, even though I consider myself masculine and ugly. Which brings me to the next point.

We all want to be pretty, cute, beautiful, sexy, though it's not how it works. There are quite a few things one can do to make themselves prettier. But eventually it comes down to your genetics. Some people are pretty, some aren't. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

As far as your family goes, I don't think you should be concerned with them. If they love you, they'll accept you (possibly after a while) and the most important thing in your life should be your personal happiness, not anyone else's. I personally didn't want to wake up one day, 40-ish years old, deciding to go through transition and dragging possible children and wife through it. Very many have done so, and I admire every single one of them, because for most it has been hell.

In conclusion, it would be best to see a gender therapist and tell him / her of your issues. If you're already determined and have set your path, seek an endocrinologist to start out with HRT. I advise you to tell your most accepting family member about your issues, as well, as soon as possible.

Good luck and take care.

[justmeinoz]

Not a long post at all, but then I have just finished a 1000 word essay on Transphobia for Gender Studies!  I love Uni, just wish I had been able to go 40 years ago.  Your childhood and teenage years sound very familiar. lots of us went through pretty much the same things.

It sounds like you are somewhere under the transgender umbrella, and time will tell just where you finally settle.  Don't rush it, your subconscious will sort things out at the right time if you let it. 
A good counsellor or therapist will help you ask yourself the right questions, and explain any uncertain points, but will let you find the answers that suit you best.  If they say "you must do this", leave! 

Seeing that you are strapped financially, like most students, I'd concentrate on your studies as part of a plan to rectify your situation.  Mapping out a rough plan of the years ahead is a great way to stay focused on your final goal, but also be flexible.
Some people come unstuck because they have not had SRS in x years or whatever, and are devastated at "failing".

I would make use of whatever counselling facilities are available at your college, and see about joining any GLBTI groups on campus, or off for that matter.  You will meet other people in similar situations and no longer feel  isolated. You can also spend a lot of time observing women,  learning all the nuances of speech and behaviour so that when you do go full time you will hit the ground running.

Doing your best was good enough as a child, but you are a lot older now so it is a matter of working out how to do what is required.   You have proven you are mentally tough enough to have got this far against heavy odds, so the future is not bleak .

Karen.

[Michelle G]

Textbook on so how many of our lives are and or were, some us older people had similar feelings as you are having when we were your age...however resources and information in the 60s and 70s was not as easy to get and acceptance of transgender issues and people was not as good as it is these days.
For some of us we just kept our feelings frustratingly locked away as we stayed in "boy mode" only because it was safer as we went thru college, got successful careers, got married and had families...fast forward 40 years and the kids are grown up, you had your "practice marriages" and you finally are with a partner who is more understanding and progressive thinking....you finally get brave enough to come out with what has been with you since childhood, it's an emotional roller coaster for all involved, but once your "girl mode"gets to be alive in "3D" you have hope and you do not want to let go of it!!

I could only dream of being young like you again with what is available to you now! I am very envious and wish you luck! If there is anything us older girls can do, it is to offer you a look into your future if you choose the route we did.

It's your ultimate desicion, all we can do is offer kind words of wisdom and support

[Cindy]

Hi, and welcome

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Hi, and welcome to Susan's! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way   

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Everything seem insurmountable at times. There is no way of dealing with except breaking it down in bits and dealing with the bits at a time. Firstly, it is your life. No one else's. Yes you are at an age were your parents are still regarding you as their 'little boy' but it is also time for you to move on and discover who you are.

If you allow others to dictate your life you will never be happy.

Start to plan what and how you want to proceed. Keep the plan and keep refining it.

Hugs

Cindy

[cacasca]

Part of being MtF means that you have to want to be like a girl even if you look like a guy. Sure it could take years of ridicule but it's worth every second if you do justify it. Which is easy for me so I hope you get your thinking cap on and ask yourself if you will end up stressing yourself out again. That's no good!

somehow given an instant, free ability to do so then I wouldn't waste a second accepting that offer. I feel like I am going to grow more and more unhappy with being a guy and I just have to know what I am.

"Trust me.. It's not instant. Unless you win the lottery.. which helps alot, And then you still have to slowly become the girl you are"

[Amazon D]

Just warning you, this is long so thank you so much if you read it all I am 19, born a male, and have been tortured with thoughts that I am transsexual over the last year. My whole life I had several female mannerisms and always wished as a kid that I could be a girl (although I never dressed up or anything). However, my dad was always trying his hardest to make me into a tough man so I pushed those thoughts to the back of my head. Now, I am in college and can make my own decisions, and now I'm thinking these thoughts again. I'm not really unhappy with being a guy, but I would much prefer a female body and I don't like the social role that the guy has (ie. being more dominant, acting touch, etc.).

Like I said, I have always kinda wished I could be a girl and if I was somehow given an instant, free ability to do so then I wouldn't waste a second accepting that offer. I feel like I am going to grow more and more unhappy with being a guy and I just have to know what I am. My dream is to be a decent looking girl, find a nice job in a big city, and find someone to love that I can just cuddle with, hug, and kiss all the time. I feel so envious of all cis women because they have it so easy and get to live the life I have always wanted.

But, there are just so many drawbacks that I can't justify transitioning. These are: it takes a long time, I don't have the money (especially being in college right now), I have no idea how my friends and family would take it, the threat of not passing and being ridiculed every day, and the fact that I may never be able to get a good job. I know it's kind of a do or don't and there isn't really a choice if I want to be happy, but this all just seems so impossible and I feel like I may lose everything that I still have doing this. I have been disappointed at every turn in my life with two different fathers leaving me, living with my mom on a budget that would be considered poor during high school, having several close friends and relatives pass away, and just having bad luck at every turn in life. Really all I have left is my family and the hope that college will land me a good job to help my mom out.

What do you guys think? I know you will probably say only I can decide or I need to see a therapist but I can't seeing as I have literally no money. But going off of your own experience, does it sound like I am definitely transsexual and should look into transitioning soon? I just want an answer so that I can figure out how I am going to balance everything out and pay for HRT, and I can't go around paying for therapy either. Thanks if you read all this and for any replies

I feel so envious of all cis women because they have it so easy and get to live the life I have always wanted.

You need to share more about this before i could answer you.