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How the fudge am I meant to get through this? I need help- feel messed up

Started by El Capitan, March 29, 2012, 05:44:35 PM

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El Capitan

I've recently been trying to come out to people i know (not family..yet) here at university, I haven't been able to tell everyone about it and so only a few people on my course (I'm 2nd yr of a 4yr course) know that i feel like a guy and would like to try out my male name and would feel more comfy with male pronouns.

Now, they have been alright so far but I'm really being irritated by the fact that I can't let everyone know before i see them. It is a real problem to me and I've been left feeling very depressed (I've been feeling suicidal recently) from it. I mean, last night there was a course conference at a different univ in a diff city so I think to myself, this will be a good chance to try out my new name! so i told the only other 2nd year there about my male identity and to call me james if he could (he wasnt v surprised) and the 1st yrs that turned up I intro'd myself as James. Problem was when we met up with others (1st yrs from our univ) at the destination and I was being called my given name and she and her by the guy I'd just told (I can't blame him though, he'd only just been told) I lost all my confidence in introducing myself as James at that point and felt v v awkward all conference after that and when we were at the bar socialising. I just don't know how I'm meant to do this stuff, I really don't think I'm doing it properly, even though i know there's no right or wrong way to go about things. I feel like a dick asking people to call me something else and like a fake guy or a girl who is just playing make believe.  A stupid thing that made it worse was that there was a guy there called michael james (which is my chosen name flipped) and i just felt so angry at him for being able to have that name and not have to protest that that's who he is or work at being known as a guy. I feel so angry at cis-guys anyway for having this all 'given to them' at birth and cis- girls for being happy with what I've got but hate so much I want removed. I'm being bitter internally towards even boy kids as I really feel like thta should have been me (even though I didn't realise until a few yrs ago  :embarrassed:)

I dunno how to get through this, even if I do as I'm planning to do, and email my quite close knit year group to make sure everyone is on the same level, I jsut feel that I'm not going to be able to assert this enough.  I don't know if I'm stong willed enough to get through this anymore but i don't want to take my life and forever be known as a girl/female.

Something that made me feel very bad today was a guy from my course who told me that he sees me as a girl and thinks I'd make a good girl and that I just needed to accept God and he'd take away all my problems. (not quite in so many words but that's the feeling I got) Now, believe me, I'm agnostic so I can see his view point but I couldn't help but feel v offended and that my issue was being trivialised enough for him to htink that all i needed to do was pray. (I'm in the UK btw so I'm not in a bible belt or anything)

Sorry, I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this but I needed to get it out somehow and how did you guys cope when not everyone knew (and no time to tell) so you were being known by diff things by two sets of people on nights out etc

I'm just v v messed up right now and I deeply wish I had someone close by right now that understands this whole thing  :-\

urghhhh

EDIT: just sent an email to all of my class mates. Very fearful of what will happen next as email sounds more official than just randomly telling  afew people that happened to be sat with me in the break between classes

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Natkat

if you have the chance, then come out to everyone at 1 time.

it can be pretty hard but it diffently more easy than to tell one and one at the time.

if everybody knows then theres no confussion left and no second thoughts.
point you your name and pronouce, maybe a short explenation, and point out you would really aprociate if they tried to remember it, so you wouldnt have to correct people all the time.

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malinkibear

Congratulations on sending the email, let us know how it goes.
I had the exact same situation as you, only I started my third year of a four year course. I introduced myself initially as female to the first years, but had Harry as my name on Facebook. Two girls from the first year asked me which I preferred (the one of them had guessed), so I told them. But I didn't tell anyone else, not for a long time, and I switched between how I would introduce myself. It was awkward and confusing, but I was just way too ashamed and scared to officially tell everyone else, but because I hadn't told them, I felt like I didn't deserve to have anyone use male pronouns, so on and so forth. Eventually I told my housemates, who are also my closest friends, and after my first appointment with the doctor I told the rest of my friends. I followed it up with telling the staff, who switched in class, and everyone else followed suit.
Now it's all out, and everyone uses my male name. Some people still use female pronouns, but they're twunts and just look stupid with everyone else using the right ones. Even though I had a lot of trouble with some friends who were really horrible and belittling to me in front of everyone, they eased up with time. So, I hoe it all goes well!
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El Capitan

Quote from: Natkat on March 30, 2012, 10:42:53 AM
if you have the chance, then come out to everyone at 1 time.

it can be pretty hard but it diffently more easy than to tell one and one at the time.

if everybody knows then theres no confussion left and no second thoughts.
point you your name and pronouce, maybe a short explenation, and point out you would really aprociate if they tried to remember it, so you wouldnt have to correct people all the time.

I agree about coming out to many people at once thing (now I've done it :p)



Quote from: Solobear on March 30, 2012, 05:25:31 PM
Congratulations on sending the email, let us know how it goes.
I had the exact same situation as you, only I started my third year of a four year course. I introduced myself initially as female to the first years, but had Harry as my name on Facebook. Two girls from the first year asked me which I preferred (the one of them had guessed), so I told them. But I didn't tell anyone else, not for a long time, and I switched between how I would introduce myself. It was awkward and confusing, but I was just way too ashamed and scared to officially tell everyone else, but because I hadn't told them, I felt like I didn't deserve to have anyone use male pronouns, so on and so forth. Eventually I told my housemates, who are also my closest friends, and after my first appointment with the doctor I told the rest of my friends. I followed it up with telling the staff, who switched in class, and everyone else followed suit.
Now it's all out, and everyone uses my male name. Some people still use female pronouns, but they're twunts and just look stupid with everyone else using the right ones. Even though I had a lot of trouble with some friends who were really horrible and belittling to me in front of everyone, they eased up with time. So, I hoe it all goes well!

thanks mate, good to hear your story

I sent the mass email to all the people in my class v late last night and had a sleepless night as a result of worrying and stuff  :embarrassed: had a 9am lecture today and was considering not going in as I felt fearful of reactions etc. I managed to drag myself in though and found that not everyone had read the email before class but some had and were calling me james/ jay and apologizing in advance if they ever slipped up (which I completely understand) after the break in the lecture, many more people had read it and were offering support and someone even corrected another when they called me my given name haha. I was still shaking away though in me seat feeling overwhelmed by it all. After class I checked my emails and found a few emails of support and got a few texts from people saying how proud they were of me and one guy even said that he'd checked with the other guys in the class and that I'm welcome to change with them for clinic (i do a healthcare course) if I preferred. (the idea somehow worries me though :S should i go ahead and change in the boys room?0 What was strange also, was that my deeply Christian friend who had said before how God doesn't make mistakes and that I was made a girl for  areason, was claling me james and apologized in advance incase she forgot  :o

I'm definitely relieved that everyone so far seems ok but obviously I haven't heard from everyone so there may be non-supporters out there and I may wobble again (like i did the other night) and feel that i can't do this anymore and whats the point?.

I haven't said to my family yet (I'm living away for univ) and I can't shake the feeling of shame and guilt from having them in the dark. I'm so fearful of telling them though, just because I don't want to ruin the atmosphere of home and there has been violence in the past, not so much now but I don't want that to return

Need to come out properly to my lecturers and clinical staff soon I guess, prob will just send the same email  ???

I'm feeling relieved yet scared at the same time right now

ps. i undersatnd the feeling of not deserving male pronouns but I'm hoping that feeling will go away
pps. harry is a great name and was on my list :p
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Felix

Wow it looks like an exciting time for you. Scary and exhausting too of course but people are reacting okay. You may have to remind people over and over for awhile. One of the things that I've found frustrating with cispeople is how many kinda humored me but didn't act like it was "real" until my ID was changed and my voice was dropping. Hmm. Best of luck man. Keep us posted.
everybody's house is haunted
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