Wanting to learn additional communication ways

[Kendall]

Men talk about things (business, sports, food).  Women talk about people.
Men focus on facts, reason and logic.  Women focus on feelings, senses and meaning.

I myself speak "Male" English lol. I am comfortable speaking about "things". I do feel like a social communications part of me is lacking, but I have never tried to talk about people.

What mindset, tools, and ways one I go about to open this other communication style that I have never really tried?

I would at least feel good to be able to understand and speak this other language. Sure I speak a foriegn language (Philippine Language) but I dont speak english socially. It was easy to learn the foreign language because there are books and by talking to people.

Sometimes I feel hurt when I dont know how to speak this way. I am sure others feel hurt when they dont speak facts or know about things.

Is the first step just to read about people, and to ask people about themselves?

[Brianna]

Here you go, spacekat. I recently wrote about this subject in Brianna's Swinging Spacekat Report Show, the number one blog on Susan's (Shameless plug!)

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,9790.0.html

Seriously, though. this has a lot of technical differences between male and female communication. I hope it's useful!

Bri

[Jet]

Social English? Do you basically mean like a casual conversation? Or am I missing the point?

if it's like casual converstaions... maybe just listen to other people, and how they talk. I'm not sure how to help... I've always been over talkative in social setting, and under talkative in other settings...

[Kendall]

Thanks Brianna. Yes those cover some important techniques I can try.

When I get back to work on tues I will try a few of them out. I will try giving a few compliments, use at least one qualifying phrase, and maybe tell one analogous story instead of telling one of the our nice lady coworkers. Also when asked what I did during my vacation, I am going to try telling something using more of what I felt when I did such and such, rather than list my accomplishments.

Instead of talking about the new weed eater I bought, and all the sections around the house I cleared with it, I will maybe talk about the other family drama going on. My instinct says to talk about that, so I will to the guys, but this time I will have something different to say for the girls.

Some Guy Talk
LoL sorry couldnt resist showing my new toy. For an electric (non gas) it can do some good havoc to the growth around the house. I didnt get the 7.5 amp Grass Hog which was the top of the line electrical dual string, but this was the next best one they had. Better than the 4.0 and 4.5 amp ones. I like the new auto string advancer, vs the old bump styles. It also has a few rockin abilities. Like a Ninja. Very fun!

14" Electric Automatic Feed String Trimmer/Edger Type: Corded Light to Medium Duty
Amps / Volts: 5.0 Amps
Cut Width: 14"
Line Diameter: .065
Weight: 5.2 Lbs.
Color: Orange

[Attis]

I talk geek, but that's just me. :3

-- Bridget

[Kendall]

Ok found some more info. Is any of this true? The guy stuff seems pretty true to the most part, except for guys more androgynous, or feminine. Taken from http://members.tripod.com/nwacc_communication/id2.htm

Gender and Language

Women: friends talk about personal and domestic subjects, relationship problems, family, health, and reproductive matters, weight, clothing, food,  men, and other women
Men: Friends talked about music, current events, sports, business, and other men.

Both groups talked about personal appearance, sex, and dating. 

Women: Gossiped about close friends and family
Men: Gossiped about sports figures and media personalities. 

Women: Emphasize feelings, relationships and personal problems
Men: Emphasize making conversations fun by joking and good-natured teasing

Women:Talk is the essence of relationships. Empathy is important, "to know your not alone." Said conversations were something they needed
Men: Said conversations were something they liked but not what they needed. Enjoy the humor and rapid pace of conversations. . Regard talk as a game.  Liked to learn new ways to solve problems. 

Women: Use statements to show support, demonstrate equality, and try to keep the conversation going. Many statements of sympathy and empathy.  "The same thing happened to me!" "How did you feel about that?"
Men: Use statements to accomplish the job at hand.   Use conversation to exert control, preserve their independence, and enhance their status.  Men offer advice rather than share experiences. "That's nothing to 

Women: Powerless statements, "This is just my opinion..." 
Men: More direct.  "Here's what I think. 

Women: 50% of women surveyed said they called friends at least once a week just to talk
Men: Less than half of the men said they called friends to chat. 40% of the men said they never called another man just to chat.   

Women: Girls use talk to maintain harmony. 
Men: Boys use talk to assert control

Women: Ages 2-5 Girls were more cooperative then boys.  Uses words like "Let's" Such as "Let's go find" or "Let's turn back."
Men: Ages 2-5 boys gave orders. "Lie down" and "Give me your arm."

Women: Women ask more questions in mixed sex conversations than do men--nearly three times as many
Men: Men swear more than women

Women: Interrupt to lend support
Men: (other research says that Men interrupt to change or dominate conversations and women interrupt to lend support or finish sentences and thus they interrupt with equal frequency but differently) Men interrupt women more.  Interrupt to change or dominate conversation. 

Women: Talk judged more aesthetic
Men:Talk judged more dynamic, aggressive, and strong. 
Male job applicants were rated more fluent, active, and confident. 

Women: More likely to use intensive adjectives: "He's really interested."
More emotional References: "If he really cared about you..."
More uncertainty verbs: "It seems to me..."
More contradictions:  It's cold but that's OK."
Women's speech is characterized by more indirect, elaborate, and focused on relationships. 

Men: More likely to use more  judgmental attitudes "Reading can be a drag." More directives: "Think of some more." More I references: "I have a lot to do."
Men's speech is more direct, succinct, personal, and task oriented. 

Women: Are more likely to have tentative conversations in mixed gendered communication
Men: Are more likely to have their topics pursued in mixed gendered communication. 

Women: Do more work in mixed conversations to keep the topics point.  Women are more willing to adapt and accommodate the topics that men raise 
Men:Men are more likely to talk about themselves with women than with other men. 

[Brianna]

I'd agree with all of this, Special K.

[Kendall]

Jo has been sick constantly the last 2 weeks with sinus and upper respiratory illness. I constantly am trying to ask her if she is "ok", if she needs more medicine, and what I can do to help. She sorta looks at me turns her head, and sorta looks irritated by my questions and search for solutions.

I think I will try some of the methods with her and see what happens. More of emphathize with her suffering and maybe relate with someone elses similar experience that I have known.

[angelsgirl]

Men: Men swear more than women

Hah! I seldom hear anyone curse more than me! Of course, you wouldn't know 'cause I'm not allowed to do it on here, but I could make a truck driver blush!  Then again, consider where I picked it up: My dad was in the Navy, now he drives a truck for a living.

Probably shouldn't be as proud of that.

Hey that's really true about the "powerless" statements that women make, I do it all the time. I also apologize all time. "I'm sorry" is probably the most frequently uttered phrase that comes out of my mouth. Except when I'm playing a video game, then it's "Eat it!" (with or without an expletive).

I have both male and female friends, so maybe I'm just a more well-rounded communicator than I thought. It's possible that I unconsciously change my style depending on what gender I perceived the to whom I'm speaking to be.  I say unconsciously, because I really don't think about doing it that way, it just kind of happens like that.

[trip]

My lit 101 book had an essay about male and female conversation styles. Researchers observed X number of males communicating with their male best friend, and X number of females communicating with their female best friend, for a period of an hour.

The found the females tended to concentrate on one subject (or just 2 or 3). I believe it was also almost always a topic of how to help someone, either one of the girls, or one of their close friends. though I'd have to dig up the book to verify that.


The males on the other hand, talked about dozens of different topics in their hour long conversations.

I don't feel confident to say any more on the essay without reviewing the article, but I'm quite certain none of the male topics involved helping each other, but were more factual statements and talk about things

[Kendall]

I tried some empathy about her suffering from her illness and how she must be sick of being sick. And how she must feel miserable with all the pain she is going through. Was very different then asking what medicine she needed, and whether she wanted me to take her to the doctor or get something. At least she didnt cringe like when said how she must feel. And she seemed to accept my comment more.

We also talked about Anna Nichole Smith's results of accidental death, and how the media is probably looking for a more sensational story about murder or something.

I am just happy to get some communication with her and let her open up some.

[chunk]

Sometimes...I just cannot stand to be in a group of women...the topic moves from shoes...to that woman over there's shoes....to who is sleeping with whoever...and and both their shoes...

So I wander over to the guys...and they stare at their beers...some girl just sat down and now they all have to act polite.

Sigh.

Chunk

[angelsgirl]

Hah, hah...I know exactly what you're talking about!

I like most conversations to be one on one rather than in a group. Especially if the group isn't mixed.

Now the real question is: Shaken or stirred?  >

[trip]

Sometimes...I just cannot stand to be in a group of women...the topic moves from shoes...to that woman over there's shoes....to who is sleeping with whoever...and and both their shoes...

So I wander over to the guys...and they stare at their beers...some girl just sat down and now they all have to act polite.

Sigh.

Chunk

Hmm. I haven't had that problem of guys acting polite just because I'm around. On my trip to Spain one of the woman was chastising her husband for referring to me as if I were one of the guys when he was teling how He, I and another guy went to the bar for beers (the guys invited me - I never would have went to bar on my own iniative, or even tried drinking a beer if they hadn't ordered it for me for that matter)