First night alone, what fun... sorta

[Miss Placed]

Mum and Dad flew out early evening, and I got to spend my first night alone in a house for many many years... I am easily spooked and afraid of the dark.

I decided to run myself a nice bath, with the intent of letting my female side right out and with the ulterior motive of attempting to shave my legs (I tried this in the shower last Sunday while everyone was out, and cut my legs pretty badly).

I even started practising speaking enfemme, and surprised myself as my voice sounds ok, not in any way camp (a fear I had), except I do sound like some posh Edwardian Lady "Pass the port, Jeeves" 

Soooo the bath is nice and soft, I thought about lighting some candles and turning the light off, but the only ones around were brand new, and I didnt want any difficult questions when the folks got back.

Soaked for a while, and then realised I'd made my usual mistake of making the bath too hot... which makes me have 'funny turns'. Put more cold in and decided to get on and shave legs.

I got halfway through my right leg, I was concetrating hard, I lost track of time.... *boom* I fainted smack into the bath... the heat had gotten to me... luckily I came round fast.

I managed to clamber out of the bath, but the heat suddenley felt oppresive, like I was being suffocated, I had to get out of the bathroom.

I stumbled out to my bedroom and fainted again just as I sat on the bed, this time I was seeing stars... but I didnt recognise any constellations  I don't think I was out for very long, but I did get the bed all wet.

This morning I had my first real experience of dressing enfemme (have done this 'messing about' with my ex wife, but many years ago). I made a vow to myself to not go anywhere near my Mum's stuff, that just seems too creepy to me, but luckily she sells female clothing on E-Bay for a hobby, so I went through her stock, which she keeps in the spare bedroom wardrobe.

I was gutted, I could hardly find a thing that fitted me, and her leaning was for 'older Ladies' clothing. I feel like I have a very slight figure for a man, I am not muscular or 'fat' (yet 5'7" and 154lbs doesnt seem to prove that claim?), yet it seems I am a UK size 16 (thats size 14 in the USA), and nearly all her stock was UK size 14  Still it was an interesting feeling, and I am glad to say that it didnt turn me on, but it made me feel good.

[misty]

Hello Miss Placed

please dont feel so lonely now.......well thats if you did want company?

i really love the edwardian period and their beautiful dresses

it seems such a lovely innocent age that went by us............

i would love to go there

i feel part of that period......

i love their beautiful hats, dresses and boots

my roots are so strongly there

i wish i could go there.....as me.......now.....and dress in those fine hats and dresses.......go to church on sunday with cool catholic decorum and pass a quiet smile to those handsome young lads in the adjacent pews.......and to openly reveal my my irish name to the world.......

love

misty xxx

[Miss Placed]

Thank you misty,

I have to admit that I feel desperatly alone atmo.

I dont know anyone here, and although one of my sisters and her husband live less than 5 miles away, they have kids, are busy, have issues of their own and I certainly dont want to come 'out' to them yet.

As for the Edwardian age, I am not so sure how 'innocent' they were  , but I agree it would be fun to go there.

It's just struck me that your avatar looks very Edwardian, I am guessing it is a picture of yourself?

[misty]

Yes the photograph is of me......yes that is how I like to look.....I am very influenced by the past............mystically so

Innocence.....sometimes no......but i like to think there was more of it then and in a nice way

I hope so.........because I want my dreams intact

To believe that I can believe.....

That the dream of love and trust can be real

That people wont hurt you

That people wont use your love

It is what I want.........I hope it can be

misty   xxx

[beth]

Hello Miss Placed,

                    I can remember how special those rare alone times were when i was with my family. I hope you are having a great time.  I would hope you would see a doctor regarding the fainting. It's prolly nothing but getting it checked is important.

I'm so happy to see you here with us

beth

[Cassandra]

Hi Miss Placed,

Like Beth said get that fainting thing checked out. It could be anything. Probably the heat as you said but one can't be too careful. I really don't see how burning some candles would create too many questions. Hey you just felt like taking a bath by candle light. It's not like you were wearing womens cloths or shaving your legs or somethi.... Oh wait, yes you were. 

Seriously though there is nothing wrong with a guy taking a bath by candle light. I used to do it all the time when I was living with my parents. They never thought anything of it, although if my dad were still alive now he'd probably say something like "I knew there was something odd about those candlelit baths."

As to shaving in the shower, I used to cut myself all the time but you get used to it over time and learn what not to do. Cutting off the long hair with a hair trimmer helps in that department. The shorter hair is easier to shave and doesn't take nearly as long. I shave everyday now. When I shower I just soap a leg zip, zip zip with the razor same with other leg and I'm done. Just takes practice. Don't worry about questions of haveing shaved legs. It is another popular thing for men to do these days so there is really nothing to explain.

It is your own(and I hate to use this term here but it is the only one that applies) guilt that makes you believe there is something odd that will raise questions about shaving your legs or taking a bath by candlelight. What I mean by that is you know the real reason you are doing it and feel that you have to come up with some alternative explanation which will then have you spinning a web of lies. The fact is there is nothing to explain. You do it because you like it. You don't have to go into how your TS and want to live as the woman you know yourself to be.

So go ahead and light up those candles, take a relaxing not too hot bath and shave those legs to your hearts content.

Good Journey,

Cassie

[Miss Placed]

Hehe, thanks for the kind words and the humour, you certainly know how to make me smile.

As regards the fainting, I know my blood pressure is ok, as I only had it checked two weeks ago, and it wasn't much changed from the previous time I had it checked.

Having thought on it a bit, I remember now that I had cleaned the bath beforehand with one of those aerosol mousses that you're supposed to use in a well ventilated area.

I am very particular about those things and hate the idea of any trace of the chemical being left after cleaning, so had made sure the bath was well rinsed before I put my actual bath water in.

However, I wouldn't have said the bathroom was well ventilated at the time, so maybe I had a head full of the cleaner before the heat of the bath got to me.

The candles are my Mum's, so really it wouldn't have been right for me to use them anyway; they could be cherished gifts for all I know. Plus, I came 'out' to my Dad before they went away, he might wonder about the use of candles

I am sure my Mum already suspects something too. We're not a very close family and the last two weeks I have been very huggy towards her, which I think she has enjoyed, but seeing my two sisters are not huggy at all, she must be pondering why her son seems more 'enfemme' than his two sisters!

It's just occurred to me that if I was to transition I could probably have a much better and sexier figure than both of my sisters, and a better complexion than one of them too (she has problems with the skin on her face and wears tons of make-up to cover it. I have often wondered if she has tried not wearing make-up to clear it up.) It hadn't crossed my mind that I could face jealous sisters!  I am giggling so hard now, that would be so funny! *meeeeooow*

Plus both my sisters and my Mum have large breasts, and I am sure my testosterone levels are low, this has got me wondering if HRT would give me natural breasts, hmm.

I remember when I was married and up near 190lbs my wife joked that I'd need a bra soon... oh wait... HRT can produce weight gain, that could mean I will spiral back up over 190lbs again!    d'oh!

[Cassandra]

HRT can produce weight gain, that could mean I will spiral back up over 190lbs again!

Not to worry. A proper diet and regular exercise should keep your weight from going out of control.

this has got me wondering if HRT would give me natural breasts

This is what HRT does along with feminizing other areas of your body face, skin, hips, rear, chest,(that's chest not breast although those are included). Hormones govern your body type, but they are not the only factor, they do determine feminine and masculine features. When and if you start hormone therapy you will experience a great deal of changes. These changes are gradual and you may not notice much at first but they will be there just the same. As to breast size most doctors agree that you will probably end up one cup size smaller than the average women in your family. However as it has been pointed out in other areas of Susan's, your mileage may vary. Also hormones can do nothing about bone which has already set. Bone structure is static and only surgery can fix those areas.

First things first though I believe you were starting therapy? Take everything one step at a time. It is fun to imagine what the final product will look like but don't get too caught up in building great expectations. Just see how each step comes along.

Good luck and Good Journey,

Cassie

[Miss Placed]

First things first though I believe you were starting therapy? Take everything one step at a time. It is fun to imagine what the final product will look like but don't get too caught up in building great expectations. Just see how each step comes along.

Good luck and Good Journey,

Cassie

Thanks for the info 

Yes, I need to sort out some therapy, but I am trying to do as much research as I can in the meantime, I want to walk into the therapist's office well informed.

If I go ahead with transition (and I obviously will not know that for some time yet) then I want to get it right.

Being painfully blunt, I do not want to end up as the same bad male actor that I already am.... but in 'drag'.

I have always needed to 'look the part' in everything I have done, I have to do this so that I feel as comfortable and at ease with myself as I can be, because I have little or no self-confidence or self-respect.

If I can't do this right, if I can't look like a woman and be convincing, then quite I simply will not be able to do it.

I am already agoraphobic and social phobic, looking like a man in drag would do nothing but send me deeper into that, I have to be really careful.

It could be that my agoraphobia and social phobia are caused because I am not who I want/need to be, but I am not silly enough to try and attach labels to these, to use transition as a possible 'cure'.

*sorry if this seems a bit 'ranty', all this just came flooding out. For some reason I seem to be verbally constipated when I try to post deep, personal stuff, on Susan's. So much I want to say, but when I come to type my brain blows a fuse*

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Miss Placed,

Being painfully blunt, I do not want to end up as the same bad male actor that I already am.... but in 'drag'.

I have always needed to 'look the part' in everything I have done, I have to do this so that I feel as comfortable and at ease with myself as I can be, because I have little or no self-confidence or self-respect.

If I can't do this right, if I can't look like a woman and be convincing, then quite I simply will not be able to do it.

I think this has been mentionied before but you have to be certain that this is who you are before you go forward.  The knowledge that you can look like a woman, and be convincing as a woman, does not make you a woman.  There is a difference...

Take care,

Steph

[Miss Placed]

Hi Steph

Hello Miss Placed,

I think this has been mentionied before but you have to be certain that this is who you are before you go forward.  The knowledge that you can look like a woman, and be convincing as a woman, does not make you a woman.  There is a difference...

Take care,

Steph

Thanks for the advice. I was rather typing on the fly, and when I do that I tend not to take as much care over all of my typing. Where I stated...

If I go ahead with transition (and I obviously will not know that for some time yet) then I want to get it right

I actually used the term 'transition' here incorrectly, or in a very broad sense. I used it to include the therapy which will hopefully help me make sure that I am a woman in the first place, and that taking things any further is 100% the correct thing for me to do

Hmm, not sure if I even worded the above paragraph correctly.