Being accepted vs being "humored"

[Plain Jane]

Do you even get the feeling that, even post-op, you aren't so much accepted by people who are "in the know" as much as that people are "playing along" / "humoring" you? That people think something along the lines of "This person wants/intends to be female, looks more or less female, but isn't really female. But I will play along"?

I feel this can become evident through slips of the tongue ("such-and-such is different") or excessively correct speech patterns. For example, as far as I am aware it is normal for a group of women to say something like "hey guys...." among each other. When such phrases are evidently being avoided on your behalf or someone says something like that and then apologizes to
you.

[Beverley]

I would say you are over-anxious and maybe looking for problems. Even if you are right and they are 'humouring' you, it is still a form of acceptance.

If you get treated as female then just accept it at face value. It is a lot easier on your nerves that way.

[Renee D]

Yes, I get that feeling too. I know some of my family humors me along with some others in my life, but I also know generally they do mean well.  I mean, seriously, we do have to admit that we aren't exactly "normal." 

But then I do know there are plenty that do accept me without reservation to where calling me certain endearing terms are basically unconscious on their part.

[Plain Jane]

I would say that most of the time I am treated as female. Maybe that makes the occasional "incident" stand out more in my mind. But it plants a seed of doubt, which isn't good for self-confidence. I agree that accepting things at face value is easier on the nerves and I remind myself of that from time to time.

As a rule I avoid confrontations like the plague. I am not easily offended and sometimes when someone apologizes to me am inclined to respond something like "Hey, relax."

True, we are not exactly "normal". We are probably the only transsexual person most people know (or are aware of). Although that is perhaps not an enviable position to be in.

[Skyanne]

It's more likely a case of observer bias where you're looking for examples of not being accepted and thus finding them.

People generally mean well, they just don't exactly know how to treat us because society hasn't taught them how to. You need to humour them whilst they learn how to socialise with us.

[Constance]

I'm pre-op and am treated as female just about everywhere I go.

For those who know I'm trans (my family, my church, my coworkers, my friends), the issue of "passing" isn't even something I consider. They know, and they will always know.

But among those who don't know (cafes, restaurants, stores, public transit) yet address me as "miss" and "ma'am," I often wonder if I'm really passing or if they're just humoring the presentation.

At this point, I've decided that it doesn't really matter to me if I pass or they're humoring me, so long as they address me properly. Whether or not I'll continue to feel this way as time goes on remains to be seen.

[8888]

I worry about this happening sometimes... truth is it's hard to tell acceptance vs humiliation when you're not aware. Only if you fall out or hear gossip do you realise. Some people will go out of their way to befriend a person they believe is hideously funny while they think they are being accepted - with TG issues it would have to do with passing, otherwise it could be appearance, fasion, posture, shyness etc... honest friends won't humour you like this but their advice can be painful... if they say nothing you're probably doing well.

[Beverley]

But then I do know there are plenty that do accept me without reservation to where calling me certain endearing terms are basically unconscious on their part.

I have had men I have never met refer to me as 'love' (often used in England as a casual form of address to a female), most recently when I tripped over a box that the shelf-stacker in the supermarket had left on the floor. He apologised profusely and helped me up and I assured him I was OK but he treated me to a fusillade of 'Miss', 'Ma'am' and 'love'.

It was worth the 'trip'...

[Rabbit]

I think it might depend with how comfortable they are (which depends a great deal on how sensitive you are... if you get really upset and offended easily, then people will walk on eggshells around you).

It also depends on it they think you are putting on an act or not (or are realistic in how you view things.

I personally take a very conservative stance in what I tell them I am. I tell them I'm just a guy with a feminine side who runs on estrogen. I also make lots of jokes about how I'm really a man and they should think of me like a man (like how i'll protect them, or i'm super aggresive rawr)... which is funny, because they don't think of me that way. Actually, I guess they do humor me when I say I am just a normal dood (they go "sureeee you are" or "you don't count as a guy").

The people around me don't seem to have a problem talking to me. Probably because they don't feel I'm "pretending" to be anything... I simply am what i am (no matter what i claim).

But, this definitely wouldn't work for someone who was stealth... and simply wants to be 100 percent female. Personally, I am fine being transgendered.