SO DARNED DIFFICULT TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO!!!!!

[Angela78]

Ok, so I've been dreaming of being a girl all of my life (blah, blah, blah, you all know the story).  I'm 33, married, with two young kids and a fantabulous, well-paying job.  Last August I finally decided my life was falling apart enough that I needed to speak to a therapist and we've been meeting weekly since then.  Heck, at the time I figured I just had a strange fetish and some addiction issues.  Now I'm at the point where I dress at least 50% of the time around the house (wife is OK with this, actually), only partly dress in public sometimes, started DHT blockers 6 months ago (yay hair!), and spiro 3 months ago (yay to those changes, too).  Yes, I desire all of the changes that come with transition.  Yes, I want to interact with the world as a woman.  Yes, I want to BECOME a woman, physically, mentally, and relationally. 

I struggle because I'm worried about repercussions (kids, job, friends, wife, family).  I struggle because I'm worried about passing.  I struggle because I feel I'm not naturally feminine enough to deserve this (although I learn quickly :-)  ).  It's so hard to say "I am a transsexual woman and I want to transition."  But I know that if I don't transition, I'll look back in 20 years and be absolutely crushed because I missed this window of opportunity. 

I've been speaking a lot with my therapist about self-acceptance.  I've also been trying to understand why I keep denying myself what I want.  It's an awful place to be stuck.  I do want that conviction to go ahead and tell the world (and my family and friends) that "I've always wanted to be a woman and now I'm beginning that process."  But I've been stuck here for months.  I'm like a broken record with my therapist. 

Does it get better?

[Stephe]

I'm not sure there is a "window of opportunity" you will miss. I understand the feeling of waiting is wasting your life but IMHO when you have children, you have to consider your being able to take care of them/earn a living too while they are still at home?

[Maddi]

Youre not alone on it. At least you've already started the process of it. Are you having any kind of doubts about it or second guessing yourself? I know I am, as Stephe said raising and being there for our wee ones is still a top priority. Where I live being trans can actually be used against me in regards to custody with my ex wife. But your lucky and have a very supportive spouse it seems.

I say if you don't have any doubts, go for it. As far as denying yourself what you want remember you deserve to be happy so don't short change yourself.

[Angela78]

Doubts?  That I am trans?  No.  That I should transition?  Doubting constantly.  Do I want to?  Yes, but it just seems like a fantasy.

[Stephe]

And don't get me wrong, I think EVERY should transition if they will are fairly sure there life will be better. I was lucky that when I decided to finally do this, I had no children or spouse + the job part was a non issue/I'm self employed where it would make zero difference. I do wish I had done this years ago, but then again it might not have worked out as well as it has then either. You are lucky your wife is supportive. I have no idea on how your job/income might change if you do and how important this level of income is to the plans your family has.

But as far as denying yourself, you do have to think of your kids since you made the choice to have them. Most parents give up some of their dreams or compromise them because their kids factor into things. The whole "will I pass" is something most everyone has doubts about, but very few people can't pass acceptably well. I'm not "naturally feminine" either, that shouldn't be a factor or real concern.

[luna nyan]

Hello Angela,

I'm around the same age as you, and am in a similar situation.  I was aware of my dyshporia from a young age, but I was somehow able to end up getting married with kids.  For me, looking back now and knowing how strong it would get, I probably should have transitioned in my late 20s.  (I made a few pivotal decisions then with my therapist).  With the kids, my work, and the amount of debt I am in, my personal position is non-transition with low dose HRT to try and moderate things.  That could change should I pay down my debts quickly or have a major mental breakdown.

In any case, you can't turn back time, and doing so is not necessarily constructive.  It's great that you're having therapy - it will help you untangle your thoughts somewhat and be able to make a clearer decision about things.  Don't feel as though you're going to "miss the window" for transition - seeing you're on DHT and maybe spiro, that will prevent further age related masculinasation.  Most people will pass - it's often a matter of how much time/effort and possibly money is involved.

The last thing I would say is this - don't think about the "what if"... what if only paralyses you.  Think more along the lines of "now that x, y, z, has happened, I can do a, b, c" and you will feel much more empowered about your situation.

[justmeinoz]

Angela, you wouldn't be human if you didn't have doubts.

Transition is pretty much the most important decision of your entire life, so there is a lot to be considered.  All of us are unique and our journeys are individual too.

You have young children,  and any woman will always put them first.  It's what we seem to be programmed to do, even if we  are currently wearing a male body.  Have you considered any sort of tentative time line for your transition and discussed the options with your wife?
If you have a supportive wife who is happy to have you dress more comfortably, and no doubt appreciates a a husband who really is capable of thinking and feeling like her, then you have found a jewel beyond price. 
If your children are very young they would probably cope better than if  they were early teenagers for instance.  Young children see nothing wrong with things magically changing into something else in their stories. 

You stated that you want to be a woman emotionally, relationally and physically.  It seems to me that a lot of us eventually realise that the physical is actually the least important in many ways, and the others can be started at any time, without resort to the gatekeepers.

Transition is a slow process, so maybe if you can think of your marriage as being  "Gender Queer" at least for a time, you may find a niche for a while .  A lot of people pause during their journey, and some settle happily  at some intermediate point along the way.  Exploring all the nuances of being a woman is tough without a mentor, but having someone to share such things with is a dream for a lot of us. Take your time and  get a proper education,so that if you do move further along the road, all that will be second nature to you, and you can concentrate on the next stage.   

As for passing, I am 58, and really didn't think I passed all that well, until I came out to my Gender Studies class at Uni a couple of weeks ago.  Not one of them had any inkling I was Trans, despite many of  the questions I asked in Lectures being about Intersex and Trans issues.  Not even the girl sitting next to me at the time.     A smile and a bit of confidence will do wonders.

Hope you can get some resolution to your situation. 

Karen.

[Amazon D]

At least get yourself hormonally more female by blocking the T from affaecting your mind.. get some spiranolactone asap.. that will allow you to think more clearly... tell people its to lower your blood pressure.. then give yourself some rest and time to relax and see how you function ..

[JoanneB]

How I can ever relate to your posting! Just add 20 more years of waiting for seeing your life come crumbling apart to get you thinking.

When you are well entrenched in a life and quite comfortable at faking being a guy, you do seriously question yourself. Why? I've been faking this pretty damn good for ages. OK, I hit a pot hole or two, nothing new there. Better the devil you know then the one you don't. Especially if years earlier you did try twice going part time to test the waters and vowed that it aint for you. You must really be a CD and not really a TS.

A lot to passing comes with self confidence and a smile, as Karen said. All I had was a smile ages ago, barely. Thanks to changing a lot of things in my life I have self confidence. 

There is no "Window of Opportunity". Every day people from their teens to their 60's or older decide today is finally going to be the day I take my first step. I really do not regret my decision not to try transitioning back in my 20's. It just was not the right time for me to.

Between shared hopes wishes and dreams with my wife, as well as employment (AKA $$$) now isn't a great time either. Yet, thanks to all the self help, a great TG group, and my guardian angel of sorts, I now know I can pass, I've been living part-time outside of work about 75% of the time now, and feel that if I Needed to fully transition the second worse thing that can happen is work, absolute worse is loosing my best friend, partner and wife. Both I have no absolute feel for which way the winds will blow

[Angela78]

Thank you, Joanne.  Those words mean a lot.  And to everyone else, thank you for your help, too.  These are hard, hard times to figure out what to do.  And the additional pressure of my wife (completely understandable) to come to some sort of decision doesn't help.  She is ok with dressing at home, but that's it - she's not ok with my other choices.  She really feels she married someone else, and I don't blame her.  I just don't want to lie to myself, either. 

<sigh>

[JoanneB]

My wife and I have been together one way another for 30 years. She knew almost from day 1 about my dressing, and past history. While she was OK with my occasional dressing at home, what I am doing now does bother her a lot. Her overwhelming concern is fear for my safety. I can't blame her, I am too, just not to the point that she is. While she does support me 100% as my happiness and mental well being means more to her than our relationship, I knew from the get go that if I find that I need to be full-time, well it just may mean loosing her. However, neither of know for sure what that possible future will look like.

I apologize in advance for my bluntness, it's the engineer in me. Your wife pushing for you to "make a decision" smells a lot like she wants to know if she should cut and run now, or hang in there since this is "just a phase". How supportive is she? If you are thinking that is what she is thinking, talk about pressure! While it is often difficult at best, sometimes painful, honest and open communication is important. Sometimes it takes a few days or more to recover, but ultimately it pays off.

I've been in my latest "phase" for about 2 years now. It scares me to realize just how much happier I feel being out and about as Joanne. Still it is far from really real life, even if sometimes it is just for grocery shopping. I know my wife is far from thrilled hearing that I feel this way. Her fears of me "changing teams" are just reinforced.

All we can do is take it one day at a time and not obsess over the myriad of possible futures. Being a pair of low self esteem humans, that is really absolute worse case futures.

[Jeneva]

Your wife pushing for you to "make a decision" smells a lot like she wants to know if she should cut and run now, or hang in there since this is "just a phase". How supportive is she? If you are thinking that is what she is thinking, talk about pressure! While it is often difficult at best, sometimes painful, honest and open communication is important. Sometimes it takes a few days or more to recover, but ultimately it pays off.

This really is true.  You have got to sit down and talk this all the way through.  If you aren't sure yet then she needs to know that and she needs to know as soon as that changes.  If there is a chance you will need to transition then talk about what that means now.  Don't try to keep a few cards back, lay them all down.  After I told Shannon the next couple of days were pure HELL.  Even then it was a bit shaky for a few months, but by letting her know the potential full extend she wasn't going to be blindsided later.  Now though we have a better relationship than we've ever had.  By talking about it all up front, but then moving slowly at first she was able to see how much happier I was.

It isn't easy to open yourself up that much and it WILL hurt.  But you have to go into it openly and honestly, and you have to be willing to lose EVERYTHING.  That doesn't mean that you will, but realize that many do.  Don't give up hope, but don't wear rose colored glasses either.

[Stephe]

Thank you, Joanne.  Those words mean a lot.  And to everyone else, thank you for your help, too.  These are hard, hard times to figure out what to do.  And the additional pressure of my wife (completely understandable) to come to some sort of decision doesn't help.  She is ok with dressing at home, but that's it - she's not ok with my other choices.  She really feels she married someone else, and I don't blame her. 

She didn't marry a woman. I think there is a big difference from a spouses point of view being at home crossdresser and living full time as a woman. As a CD you are still her husband to the outside world, what happens in the privacy of your home is not open to public opinion. I can see why she needs to know what your plans are.

[laura_1]

Angela--I am new to this site, and forgive me if you might think my remarks, might be out of line to your life changing. Know that there is love among those, including myself who understand the struggles of gender identity/disorders. You, on the other hand, are a middle-age married man transitioning or experimenting, with children and a productive job included. For the moment, your wife might be accepting to the change in your life as a 'new thing' around the house; how long will this last? Yet, in the long-mile ahead, will your dear wife feel different, and how by the same term will your transition affect your children--especially should you decide to go the full distance.

  I observed Dr. OZ on television last night, and he had a program featuring transgender people/couples and a brief synopsis about their life, in addition to a psychologist and SRS Surgeon, Dr. McGill. Of the children who were present, I could see that there remarks of 'acceptance' are hidden with a mask of emotional hurt. I truly suggest that you 'think' twice, before considering the dynamics of 'crossing-over' to a point with a possibility of no-return. Keep in mind, many 'gender therapist' will often present insight to what a client wishes to believe--but are they the one who will face the nation and the world surrounded in the environment you must present yourself subject to the change you consider to present. I hope my thoughts shed a piece of wisdom to your final decision; it is not to discourage you, if you truly believe this might be something you must accomplish for the right purpose; but on the other hand, understand that the support you might gain, can also sum with regret in the latter. Take care my friend.

Ok, so I've been dreaming of being a girl all of my life (blah, blah, blah, you all know the story).  I'm 33, married, with two young kids and a fantabulous, well-paying job.  Last August I finally decided my life was falling apart enough that I needed to speak to a therapist and we've been meeting weekly since then.  Heck, at the time I figured I just had a strange fetish and some addiction issues.  Now I'm at the point where I dress at least 50% of the time around the house (wife is OK with this, actually), only partly dress in public sometimes, started DHT blockers 6 months ago (yay hair!), and spiro 3 months ago (yay to those changes, too).  Yes, I desire all of the changes that come with transition.  Yes, I want to interact with the world as a woman.  Yes, I want to BECOME a woman, physically, mentally, and relationally. 

I struggle because I'm worried about repercussions (kids, job, friends, wife, family).  I struggle because I'm worried about passing.  I struggle because I feel I'm not naturally feminine enough to deserve this (although I learn quickly :-)  ).  It's so hard to say "I am a transsexual woman and I want to transition."  But I know that if I don't transition, I'll look back in 20 years and be absolutely crushed because I missed this window of opportunity. 

I've been speaking a lot with my therapist about self-acceptance.  I've also been trying to understand why I keep denying myself what I want.  It's an awful place to be stuck.  I do want that conviction to go ahead and tell the world (and my family and friends) that "I've always wanted to be a woman and now I'm beginning that process."  But I've been stuck here for months.  I'm like a broken record with my therapist. 

Does it get better?

[Beverley]

laura_1 - are you trans?

B.