Looking for answers.

[PHXGiRL]

Hi,

Just wanted to get you girls opinions on my life experiences. I'm in the beginning stages of my journey. I'm 27 years old and feel like I've been living my current life to satisfy the people around me and not myself. When I was around the age of five I remember knowing I was a female. Threw out myself I've cross dressed frequently and enjoy the feeling of pretending to be the person I am on the inside. Ive lived my life scared of not being accepted by the outside world trying to bury these thoughts in my mind by hiding behind "manly things". Just to name a few I took steriods ( 1 cycle) hoping the would kill my thoughts, became a gym rat, got a tattoo, had a child with my 1st wife that i love to pieces . Recently my inner self has came on alot stronger. Ive been comparing myself to other mtf girls and their stories. I've never told a soul about my feelings and recently came out to my fiancé. I was surprised and delighted that she is so surportive. She even let's me sleep in her clothes and roam around the house. I love it. she's scares though that she will loose me someday. Which won't happen because I consider myself a lesbian.

I'm envious of girls when I see them and I wish I was them. I'm ready to make the next step and talk to a therapist I feel and feel like I want to tell the world. Do any of you girls know a good one in the Phoenix area? Does my story and feelings sound similar to yours?

[Jeneva]

got a tattoo,

Actually more women than men have tattoos in today's world.  My wife and I both have several.

I've never told a soul about my feelings and recently came out to my fiancé. I was surprised and delighted that she is so surportive. She even let's me sleep in her clothes and roam around the house. I love it. she's scares though that she will loose me someday. Which won't happen because I consider myself a lesbian.

Have you spoken with her about how far you plan to go?  Is she comfortable with a full transition or just dressing?  Is she scared of social stigma around being seen as a lesbian?  You can keep a relationship intact while transitioning, but it is going to require a lot of open and honest communication.  It is great that you've been open so far, make sure she always understands where your path may lead.

I saw your username and had to read your post because the phoenix is a powerful symbol, guardian, and guide for me, so I was a bit disappointed when I saw it was because you were in the city   Sorry I can't help with therapist recommendations for there unless you just use one of the online/phone based therapists.

[niamh]

Recently my inner self has came on alot stronger. Ive been comparing myself to other mtf girls and their stories. I've never told a soul about my feelings and recently came out to my fiancé. I was surprised and delighted that she is so surportive. She even let's me sleep in her clothes and roam around the house. I love it. she's scares though that she will loose me someday. Which won't happen because I consider myself a lesbian.

Sorry to spoil your mood but your relationship is statistically very unlikely to last. Unless one's partner knows about one's trans-identity before the relationship, very few people stay together. Also, on the lesbian front, you might yourself find that your sexual interests change after having been on hormones for a good while and after having been living as female.

Welcome to the forum.

[Randi]

Dr. Toby Meltzer, of Scottsdale, is a very well know gender surgeon.

A call to his office should get you the name of gender-knowledgeable therapists in your area.

A therapist who has guided people through the entire process and has written the appropriate recommendation letters would be a much better choice than a general practice therapist.

As for myself I've never sought counseling.  I know I'm transsexual, and know there is only one effective treatment.

No counselor can "change my mind" and make me comfortable in a male body.  All they could do is write a letter and tell the surgeon it's OK to proceed with gender confirmation surgery.  GCS would make me an invalid for a couple of months, with a year or more for full recovery and cost $ 25K.

If you really know who you are and don't need someone's rubber stamp to get hormones or surgery, then you might not need any counseling.

Why am I so "down" on counselors?  I spent many years with very good doctors, getting counseling, and taking massive amounts of testosterone in order to become male, like it said on my birth certificate.  I had very good treatment, but they just couldn't bring my mind to accept a male body. 

I'm female, and always have been, despite my male body.   No counselor or doctor can change an MTF transsexual into a man.  It just can't be done.

If you need a letter for GCS/SRS or hormones then a counselor can help with that.  If you are not sure whether you are transsexual, they can help with that.

Just be aware of what a counselor can and can't do.

Good Luck!

Randi

Do any of you girls know a good one in the Phoenix area? Does my story and feelings sound similar to yours?

[JoanneB]

Not to say my experiences are typical, but as Niamh said the odds are likely against you. My ex-fiancee was told fairly early on. She was supportive about my cross-dressing and at that point in time I had no desire for transitioning. I experimented a few years earlier and said not me. As wedding date pressures built, she just couldn't go through with it. I wasn't a "real man". I suspect her lesbian experience issues from boarding school were the root cause of the break up.

About the same story with my current wife, lover, and best friend of 30 years. She knew early on my history. Was OK with my dressing, which was all I occasionally needed to maintain sanity. Over the past 2-3 years a lot of things have changed in my life (major kick in the you know whats). I've been having to live out of state to work and see her about once a month. I am doing a lot more than just dressing around the house and a lot more often. While she is supportive and will do anything in her power to see me safe and happy, she has no desire to live with a woman either. She prefers men and their bits  Hopefully once things get something resembling normal for us the GID will fade.

In my TG group, of all the fully transitioned women, just one is still with her wife. Not so for many others even though most would have liked to be. All the usual reasons for the breakups.

[Jeneva]

Yes, the deck is stacked against a transitioning woman keeping her wife, but it CAN happen.  It does take a certain kind of spouse and even then the communication is key.  However since that communication will be beneficial even if they can't stay together why don't we focus on strong communication instead of warning people that it won't last.  It may be a way to increase the odds of staying together and if not then at least they may be able to part as friends instead of sworn enemies.

Just to offer a different opinion to some of the posts after my first one:

I did not experience a change in orientation after HRT.  While it is true that some people change and say that they were not suppressing before, others have said that yes, once they were living as a woman and the stigma was gone that they did acknowledge that they were attracted to men even before.  Certainly go into it with an open mind, but if you don't feel that men are attractive after HRT there is NOTHING wrong with you.  I also think that we as a community have a much higher level of poly/bi sexuality because we already understand that the parts don't define the person.

Also I have found a therapist to be a HUGE help.  Sure our meetings seem forced now and she herself said that more than monthly would be a waste of time for both of us.  However I've been out to myself and my wife for 3.5 years and out to the world for over 6 months.  Early on she was an enormous help.  Often just KNOWING that I had an appointment with her coming up helped me deal with things without as much anxiety because I knew if it went badly then I had someone to talk to it about.  She has NEVER tried to change my mind.  I actually wrote on my initial paperwork that I had gender identity issues and she has been totally respectful of that.  Please at least make an appointment or two to see if it works for you.

[JoanneB]

It does take a certain kind of spouse and even then the communication is key.  However since that communication will be beneficial even if they can't stay together why don't we focus on strong communication instead of warning people that it won't last.

I could not agree more about communication. While it may be difficult, even painful at times, it is vitally important to maintain a chance of keeping the relationship going. There have been a few rocky periods. Yet 3 years later we're still together and still doing the work it takes to hopefully keep us together.

[~Nikki59~]

I'm also in Phoenix and I can relate to some of what you've said. An excellent therapist in Phoenix is Mary Brasch. I can get you her contact info if you need it, or you can just google her. I highly recommend her, as I see her myself and know firsthand..  I can't praise her enough. She's off of 32nd st. and Cactus.

[Michelle G]

Your story is so very similar to what so many of us have been thru!

My wife has clearly stated she is NOT attracted to girls and will not be intimate at all with me in "girl mode" recipe for relationship disaster? perhaps...but we have excellent communications between us and our relation has never been based on sex but on love and affection.

Of course every couple is different in their own way so the advice you get is only meant to be for discussions sake

best of luck sweetie and welcome!! the people here are on your side and love to help as much as possible

[cacasca]

'I'm envious of girls when I see them and I wish I was them'
Bingo
sorry don't know any in phoenix but i know one in california that is really good

[justmeinoz]

Your story has basically the same outline as many here.  It's not someting that "goes away", and no matter how tight we clamp the lid on the pressure cooker it will still bow up sooner or later.
My story is a little different.  My supposedly totally straight wife left me for another woman long before my realisation that I was trans.  Unfortunately she refused to communicate at all, and our separation and divorce were pretty nasty.\


Communication is the key to a successful relationship.  Yours may or may not survive Transition, and you are both Transitioning, but there is no need for it to end unpleasantly. 
I would suggest lots of conversations about how far and how fast you will go.  For example would your fiance' be comfortable if you decided to go non-op and retain you genitalia?  Lots more deep and serious questions like that need to be faced with ruthless honesty.

Karen.