I'm not sure what I'm looking for in writing this; maybe it's some sort of pity... or maybe I just need to sort out what's wrong and put it into one pile in order to face it and move on. Either way, spewing this out into the great endless beyond (teh interwebz) sounds like fun.
So, here goes, I guess.
One of the problems? That I dislike and distrust most cis people. Growing up, I was always teased - led to believe that I was liked, and then suddenly dropped for their entertainment. Sometimes it was simpler, and all they did was insult me or make a cruel joke at my expense.
I don't know if I became a ghost because of that, or if that happened because I was a ghost. Either way, I felt like an exile, and drifted through every day as if I were intangible, unnoticed unless someone wanted to speak their mind.
I still have this problem... making friends is impossible because I can't talk to people. Words just don't come to mind - if I had any, I would surely say them. However, I have noticed that I can easily make friends with trans people... I tend to trust them.
I can be friends with any TS in one night - I have an awesome, bubbly personality, which goes nicely with my general naivity and innocence. I'm sort of like a cute kid, but with the maturity that comes with painful trials.
... which refers to the other, more central problem.
At the center of everything, my biggest issue was going through puberty. Some people go through it as late as seventeen... most go through it in their early teens, and some in their tweens.
Me? I went through puberty when I was seven.
Before that point, I was pretty normal. Once I was seven, I started to be really interesting - I was extremely smart for my age... but at the same time, I developed a relentless aggression. I wrote a nasty letter to my teacher at the time, and smashed some other kid's head with my head, and then went to gym and broke down crying. That was my most memorable day of grade two.
So, I was taken out of school to be taught at home that year. When I went back to school in grade three, I just became the silent ghost and loner type that I would be for years to come.
Being a deep-voiced elementary school kid wasn't fun. Developing a mustache in grade four... sucked a lot. I started researching the heck out of transitioning once I turned twelve, and decided to prepare myself to lose my family.
... I ended up coming out by accident at fourteen, because one of my 'writings' was found in the garbage, and was called a freak among other things. I spent that night sleeping outside.
The years went on. I became extremely dark, listening to metal and other music to feed my hatred of the world, and my misery. I had one friend during this time... the only thing that made this period of time worth anything.
I met a depressed girl who was quite the artist, and I greatly admired her talent. We hung out together a lot, and I think I cheered her up, and made her life a bit better... unfortunately, she was a grade ahead, so we didn't get to see each other the next year - not that it would matter, because she had started to 'like' me. And I didn't want a girlfriend, or any relationship sort of thing...
I started hormones when I was seventeen after much begging and tears. It made life better; I gained confidence, was happier, and could make some friends... though I was still very wary. I was so unbelievably excited about the months to come - having to hide my breasts because I wasn't ready to go full-time, and all the other fun development.
After all, taking hormones at seventeen usually brings extremely good results, right?
I felt entitled. It didn't help that my mother and sister had breasts that they both thought were uncomfortably big - and I would agree; their breasts were extremely big for their bodies. I decided this meant that I would see decent development....
But no. Sixteen months of hormones have so far left me flat. I doubt I fill out a AA-cup bra (if I could find one, I'd try it out...), so I'm rather upset about that. Other seventeen-year-old transitioners talk about how they don't have body hair... or very little of it... some people are lucky enough not to need to do voice practice. And most of them look very beautiful.
Myself... I have body hair - my puberty was pretty much at its end when I started hormones. Flat, hairy chest... hairy belly, shoulders, arms, back, bum - hair everywhere. My facial hair has since been mostly destroyed with a laser, but I still have a bit of electrolysis to go.
Big shoulders, small hips... and you know, I think I'll be getting FFS. That is, several years in the future, when I can actually afford it. I'll also need a BA, despite having a sister who wears a 26DD - I would assume my genes would have been similar.
Not that I need DDs. I would have been very happy with a B... or even an A.
The only redemption to all of this is that early puberty stunted my growth a bit - I'm 5'3".
Woop-dee-->-bleeped-<-ing-doo.
There might be other things that I simply forgot about... and there are small things like being unemployed, unmotivated, and out of school, that I have no cis friends because I'm apparently afraid of them, and that, apparently, I have developed a love of being miserable and angry and bitter... but, small things like that don't bother me much compared to other stuff.
... then there are smaller things like having very weak senses of smell, taste, and touch.
I'm bouncy and bubbly and wonderful when I'm at my best... but when I'm at my worst, Hell sounds like a great place to go for a vacation.
I don't think I deserve what's happened, but maybe that was my mistake. To feel entitled was my error, and I guess I just have to live with that. Doesn't make me feel any better to know this, though.
So... here's to my adventure. What's ahead of me surely has to be better than what I've left behind - but no matter what, I have a couple scars, and they will take years of time and work to heal.
Cheers.
