Seeking wisdom

[Persephone]

Hey all, new to the forum, great to have a community to come to. Wasn't sure what to call this thread as I know 'see a therapist soon' is likely the only 'practical' advice I can take from here, but guess it would be nice to have some more experienced members gloss over my story and offer any thoughts/advice they might have.

I started cross-dressing when I was 12/13 - standard thing of trying on mum's stuff (heels, skirts, bras - her general work outfits) and by 17/18 this really kicked up a gear. Now 22 and being at Uni has been nice as have had the opportunity to dress with more freedom (returning home for holidays in that sense is always a bit sad). Approaching final exams now and I've got to say - tension within me about this has rocketed up. Have spent a LOT on female clothes recently and am just generally struggling to concentrate on revision, which is far from ideal! I'm aware of the notion of stress provoking more frequent crossdressing or what have you but I think finally sorting out my PayPal/eBay details had something to do with it, and much more significantly still I think reaching a stage where education will be over and I can decide to do what I want with my life has really forced the issue. I won't lie - the opportunity to explore this properly with therapy, be open with my family/friends and then potentially transition terrifies me as much as it is fantastic to finally feel like I have the chance to make it my focus above all other priorities. Equally, I'm wary of just burying my feelings out of fear of this process and so falling back into the relative comfort of my male self and my current life, since I don't want to realise at 30/40/50 that I didn't have the courage to confront this properly when much younger.

3 things that bother me - I guess in terms of questioning my legitimacy as trans - are the following:

1) I didn't start as early as some. 12/13 is certainly the best part of a decade behind those that knew at 4/5.
2) From 17/18 a sexual component developed, largely from naughtier items of clothing I suppose (e.g. lingerie). It's not the exclusive reason for my dressing - just sitting around working/reading in plain stuff like vests, cut-offs and so on seldom provokes such excitement - but I am wary of it what a degree of sexual excitement involved with some dressing might mean for what path I ought to take. Not sure what my take is on this whole ->-bleeped-<- business is and I apologise in advance for raising that 'can of worms' but I guess I just want to know I'm really understanding everything because transition is obviously a huge thing.
3) I don't hate my male body. I've grown less and less keen on my male genitalia over the last few years as I find it a very unattractive set-up and I would much rather be smooth down there, but I have had good times in my male body (though perhaps this is down to good friends making Uni very fun regardless of my identity crisis on the inside?) and I do like typically male things like football and films like 300 (then again, I'll also cry very easily at emotional films/TV shows so don't think gender stereotypes about television are all that helpful haha). I've certainly never felt 'trapped' or 'wanted to throw up thinking about my male body' or wanted to take a knife to my male sexual characteristics, etc.

Oh, just so I've not left any stone unturned, I scored 120 on the Cogiati test, which is 10 points out of 1300 off the border between androgynous and probable transsexual (the former category perhaps reflecting how I don't detest my male existence). Don't get me wrong - I know these are not to be given any value in deciding anything and should at best be a reflection of what one already knows themselves. Just thought I would throw it in here so I've given a complete account of things, I guess.

Thanks so much for reading, as I know you must be inundated with these sorts of threads.

x

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Persephone,
Firstly, a warm Aussie Easter welcome to Susan's family. Thank you for sharing a part of your feelings and experiences with us. We appreciate the trust you have in us.

As you described your earlier life, I didn't find anything strange or unusual, which makes you a very normal person. And yes you are indeed right about stress knocking everything up a gear or two, so as you have recognised it for what it is, you have the strength and courage to alter your focus back to your studies for the intrim while it is needed. A good pass in your college should give you a good chance at securing a job/vocation that will afford you the necessary tools with which to transition or do whatever you see fit.

In answering your 3 concerns as to legitimacy, I'm inclined to say;
1) Not the slightest concern at all. Starting age has no bearing on legitimacy of feelings. You can be 6, 60 or 160 when you accept the legitimacy of your feelings.
2) Again, this discovery has no bearing on the legitimacy of your feelings. This can just a normal progression though a labyrinth of feelings/expressions/discoveries. Absolutely nothing to be concerned over at the moment. Only if it becomes unmanageable or you feel it is an inappropriate expression, should you take the necessary appropriate remedy. And
3)Not a prerequisite to hate your body to legitimise ->-bleeped-<-. Your dislike of your present genitalia is well within the bounds of normality for ->-bleeped-<-. A natural feeling/urge to have congruency between brain and body is almost standard practice.

So all in all, your concerns of legitimacy hold no entitlement to your current status or feelings.
And as you so notably sighted, working together with a good TG qualified therapist will pay extraordinary dividends.

Oh! and pay little attention to the Cogiati test. From a scientific point of view, its premises is fundamentally floored, and hence results are substantially objective.

Keep up the fantastic work you are doing on yourself. And at whatever cost, do not allow denial in any of its ways, shapes or forms to take residency in you, for fear it will destroy a beautiful opportunity for you to experience an authentically genuine life.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[JoanneB]

As usual, Catherine hit the nail on the head. (Although I am going to Google 160 y/o transexuals )

Your history and feelings are certainly typical. While many have felt since around the age of 4 that they should be girls. One TS in my group came to the realization in her 30's, another in her 60's.

Stress will certainly cause one to seek escape from it. Some use alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever. For others it is cross-dressing. I relied on it a lot to cope. In my teens and 20's with tons of T flowing in my veins there naturally was a sexual component. That faded quickly by my mid 20's (Hell, what h/s boy doesn't get an inappropriately timed erection? LOL.) That stress relief factor entered a lot into me talking myself into that I am merely a CD when there was a ton of evidence to the contrary.  To be fair, I wanted to be "Normal". I didn't and still don't hate the stuff downstairs either. We had some good times together. Yet I did wish and pray most of my childhood that I would wake up as a girl. I never liked being a boy but my options were fairly limited, like none!

Yes, dealing with gender issues can be confusing at best. I did a fairly great job of coping for well over 30 years. I don't regret not following through on my two previous attempts experimenting with transition in my 20's. The time just wasn't right and would likely have ended very badly for me. Now, the time sure isn't any better (never is!) but is doable. Still... should I or shouldn't I? Will what I gain outweigh what I may loose? The great conundrum.

Legitimacy... I think comes down to how you feel, after much reasoned thought of all the implications, which presentation will make your life better for you. Transition is a long hard road with no guarantees when you are done. Success only comes from within. There is plenty of middle ground between CD and post-op TS to play in, as you have been seeing first hand. IMHO Black and White thinking can lead to bad choices. My wife says that there is easily 3 solutions, at least 5, to any problem. Go with feelings, not labels and arbitrary definitions.

Finding a therapist that is knowledgeable with gender issues is the stock answer. Researching things yourself, getting more in touch with your feelings, talking things out with "friendlies" can also go a long way to help clear the fog. A good TG group can help. Just be aware that in real life, just as here on Susan's, people do advocate that their answer is the best and only practical one. (biting my tongue) What works for one person is not necessarily what is best for you. There is no one recipe etched in stone by the finger of Harry Benjamin for transitioning. Knowledge is power, so seek out knowledge. Just keep the source in mind when evaluating it.

[MacKenzie]

 You should see a gender therapist or a sexologist. Nobody will know and you'll be able to work this business out.

When you say sexual componet what exactly do you mean by that? Like are you attracted to the thought of wearing women's clothes or the thought of yourself as a woman?

How do you feel after masturbation? 

Do those feelings go away?

   

 

[Persephone]

When you say sexual componet what exactly do you mean by that? Like are you attracted to the thought of wearing women's clothes or the thought of yourself as a woman?

How do you feel after masturbation? 

Do those feelings go away?

[Have kept sexual responses below as mild & inoffensive as possible, but apologies to all for sexual discussion in advance anyway - only answering what has been asked!]

I mean that wearing erotic clothes (particularly sexy lingerie, heels, etc.) arouses me and puts me in a sexual mood. Masturbation, however, is totally irrespective of whether I'm dressed (I will quite happily do so when in boy mode and equally happily not do so despite lounging around for hours in girl mode) and totally irrespective of the fact that I am dressed (i.e. I never masturbate about or focused on whatever female attire I'm currently in); the exception to the latter point being that particularly erotic clothes might make a personal moment more pleasurable, but I don't see that as any different to a GG feeling a personal moment is intensified by special garments of their own.

As for the thought of myself as a woman or in women's clothes, I suppose as above the thought of trying on something particularly saucy must turn me on, but generally speaking the thought of myself as a woman/in women's clothes excites me in the same way that a child at bedtime on December 24th is excited, if you get me?

As for post-masturbation feelings, I presume you mean this in a girl mode situation? If so, the answer is that I feel a short period of embarrassment/girl mode indifference. When 17/18 this lasted 5 minutes or so. It now lasts maybe 30 seconds before I feel natural and content in girl mode again.

@ Ms. Sarah: Thank you, bbz! You've made me feel very welcome.

@ JoanneB: I didn't mean to over-state the issue of stress. It's really a very minor issue for me, as fortunately I deal reasonably well with academic stress, but felt it best to include my current exams circumstances just to give a full picture. But I thank you also for your input and have also taken something from your insight and kind words.

[justmeinoz]

As I said to someone else who had a similar introductory post, you sound distressingly normal to me.   As most of us come into the TG area with little knowledge, and few if any sources of information it is no wonder we spend quite a while trying to work out what is going on.
From what I have been able to gather it seems that most cis-women feel a little turned on, in an empowered sort of way, when  wearing  something sexy.  So, again nothing out of the ordinary there. 
Does wearing the right clothes help alleviate the stress of studying?  I no longer have any male attire, but  feel that having to wear that while studying ( I am in 1st year Uni,as a mature student ) would be an additional stress I didn't need.  Anything that helps you get comfortable sounds like a fair thing.

Good luck with the exams. I have another 7 weeks until mine. 

Karen.

[Cindy]

Hi welcome to the gang, from yet another Aussie, if I could possibly be described as such

Just some intro stuff


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As Karen said your history sounds pretty normal to be honest. I didn't realise anyone was still using the Cogiati test. As far as I know we develop different feelings as we grow, in particular the high levels of T in teen 'boys' tends to blank out all sorts of responses.

You need to think of some sort of life plan. What you want to do, and how you want to do it. Your intelligence can be a help or a hindrance, certainly the ability to get well paid employment is a definite help, but if you are locked into a conservative type of career it may not help. It also depends where you are and what legal rights you may have. Us Aussies are well protected by legal rights for transitioning, legally we cannot be discriminated against in any way. That of course doesn't mean it doesn't happen. In the rest of the world legal rights seem to vary a lot from total rejection to acceptance and everything in between.

It would be worthwhile to be forearmed with your legal status.

How to proceed also changes form place to place, and in the USA it appears to change from state to state. I  think that is why there is this shout of 'find a good therapist' they should know the ropes of how you can go forwards.

Anyhow welcome, join in and enjoy

Cindy

[Persephone]

Thanks for the further replies. 

I've spent the last week living in girl mode full-time as the excuse of revision means I've managed to keep to myself for a bit. It's been so nice!! Like a mini-taste of RLE. I will have to revert back soon-ish to boy mode for the majority of the next couple of months, but will definitely be seeking out a therapist near where I live back home post-exams.

Oddly excited about coming out to my family about my gender dysphoria - almost like I can feel some weight being lifted off me in advance. I've been buzzing all evening just thinking about it. Need to get back to revision now and commit to these exams, but I will keep an eye on this site every now and then, and will hopefully pop up after exams with an update on my next moves!

Feel very lucky to live in an age with internet where information is available in abundance and there are others to help me realise that I am far from alone!

x

ps. Big thanks to justmeinoz - that line about feeling 'empowered' in one's femininity is really helpful at describing how I feel with regard to lingerie (I was really struggling to convey that feeling earlier in the thread and think I ended up making it sound more explicit than I intended!).

[MacKenzie]

As for post-masturbation feelings, I presume you mean this in a girl mode situation? If so, the answer is that I feel a short period of embarrassment/girl mode indifference. When 17/18 this lasted 5 minutes or so. It now lasts maybe 30 seconds before I feel natural and content in girl mode again.

  I think that's referred to as "purging" and it's quite commen. Just make sure that when you do see a gender therapist to be completely honest with them.

  Good luck!

  xo

[Persephone]

  I think that's referred to as "purging" and it's quite commen. Just make sure that when you do see a gender therapist to be completely honest with them.

  Good luck!

  xo

What does 'purging' in that sense normally indicate/reveal?

I must confess - I feel confused about why I get such a feeling when, as alluded to somewhere else in the thread, I feel very relaxed, natural and content when in girl mode the other 99.9% of the time.

Is it something to do with ejaculation bringing about a rush of testosterone, which in turn is at odds with my self-presentation if I happen to also be in girl mode?

[justmeinoz]

I recall reading  a post that suggested that the various hormones released during arousal  tended to reduce GID somewhat post-ejaculation.