Dealing with old hangups

[Plain Jane]

I have been turning this subject over in my mind now and then and not sure how to put it into words correctly. So here goes.

It is my sense that some of us after transitioning feel entirely liberated and don't hold back. Then there are those of us who have a hard time throwing off old "baggage". I am definitely in the latter category. Maybe the difference is between extroverted and introverted people, I don't know.

As for myself, it feels like all the years growing up male did quite a bit of mental "damage" (as in hangups and baggage, not as in "crazy"; at least not that I am aware of  ). It is a bit like a steel rod that is bent. You can bend it back more or less, but it will never be entirely straight again.

I find it difficult to articulate exactly what my hangups are beyond a general awareness they are there. Kind of like grasping at shadows.

Does this make sense to anyone?

[envie]

Hi Plain Jane!

Yes it does makes sense.
I believe you are observing people at various ages, life circumstances and experiences, as well as individual set of hang ups and baggages.
For some younger folks the baggage just didn't have time to develop due to their age. For others it is already large enough as they were earlier on already aware of their trans issues. For some older folks it is easier to move on with and after the transition as they accomplished financial and/or mental stability and they are ready to move on without looking much back. For other's again it remains a rocky road.
At any rate, it is your own perception of other's hang ups, baggages or the lack there of. It doesn't mean they don't have any, it just means you are not seeing them or they appear minor in comparison to your own.
Transition doesn't make anybody into a completely new and different person. We don't get brain transplants nor clean wipe of our past.

Personally, this is the reason I didn't burn all my photos from prior to my transition. I own my past and pay respect to it as it shaped me the way I am today.
Yes, my baggage did turn a bit lighter in the more recent past but it is still there and some new items have come along as I face the world with transitioner's identity, like, for example, becoming my child's mother and effectively depriving her of a father figure...that I never really was...

I like your analogy:

It is a bit like a steel rod that is bent. You can bend it back more or less, but it will never be entirely straight again.

Hang in there and keep working on your development. That journey is the goal, not the destination as you are always going to be somewhere else in your life.

[Nero]

I still feel a rush of anxiety every time I pick up the phone...

I still have this as well. Do you think it's trans-related?

[Plain Jane]

I still have this as well. Do you think it's trans-related?

I dunno. For years I was afraid of calling people on the phone. To this day if I have to call someone I don't know I first rehearse in my mind what exactly I want to say.

[Renee D]

I know what you mean, I still have a lot left over. Over the last year and a half, I have gotten a lot better, but I still get really anxious in new situations, around new people and still avoid a lot of things and don't let anyone I don't know well get too physically close to me without some sort of escape route.  I also still don't like pics taken of me by others.  There are lots more, but those are the bigger ones. 

[Beth Andrea]

Yes, I still deal with my hangups.

I wonder if those who seem to have "gotten over it" (whatever "it" is/was) aren't just putting on a happy face.

I know I did for a LONG time.

[Plain Jane]

This might make you laugh: when I was still in "deep dark secret mode" I never drank (alcoholic beverages) because I was afraid to get drunk and tell about my problem, convinced I would be either ridiculed or people would get angry at me or something.

So I never acquired a taste for booze and don't drink to this day. So I guess some good came of it.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I have a few left over, but I really think most will resolve themselves after SRS.

[AbraCadabra]

Well now, it feels to me that a lot of all this is a case of perception, and some high level of self-consciousness.

I was a twisted (inside) kind of dude before my transition. Lot's of folks would have found me too pushy for comfort. All had grown from an initially instilled sense of timidity during my early child and teen years. I then learned to "compensate" actually over-compensate - but we don't want to see this.
Being told we arrogant makse us get a feeling of pride, no less.

Early transition turn EVERYTHING upside down, everything, and I became (at least for some time) a sort of girlie-girl. A total shock to my environment - acquaintances, family, friends.

Finally, and sure enough, post-op things moved on and I'm feeling a lot more like my "old self" just more grounded. My mom, I am reminded, was a lot like that. She could be hard-nosed, tough, yet charming and certainly female too i.e. sexy in her way.

So, where seems to be the problem I wonder? Bend steel rod... really? I think in essence we are who we are, a little bend a bit buckled, a bit girlie, and some not so girlie.

I'm much more OK with that, then some phoney girl-act that is totally see-through and ever SOOO smacks of TS, TG, or what ever you like to call it.

My 2 cents, and as always YMMV ;-)
Axélle

[JoanneB]

I know I did keep up some old bad behaviors or thoughts. I think so many of them were simply automatic. After all, I spent a good 50 years developing them. I can't expect to snap my fingers and make them go away.

Fortunately, as I spend more time being truer to myself those old almost self defensive behaviors are fading. Perhaps borne from a greater self-confidence in myself as a person? I still have a lot of baggage I am lugging around. But they aren't as full as they used to be