Testing the waters

[Edge]

Sorry for posting so much. I'm more than a little self absorbed and I talk too much. lol My friends would get angry if they knew I said that, but it's true. Btw, I'm putting this is the transgender area because I kind of feel like either don't belong anywhere or belong several places, so this seems to cover all that. Anyway, I'm posting for support and encouragement because I'm greedy like that (jk on the greedy comment since it's normal to want support).

Anyway... to sum up, I have been feeling male (in the sense that I want to look and be considered as male), but am confused because I used to feel female. I believe the term that applies to me is genderfluid. Because of my personality (the need to dissect everything part), I can't just leave it at that. I need to find out why and what I'm feeling.

I am going to talk to the gender therapist again on wednesday. Last time we spoke, he automatically assume I was ftm and wanted hormones and when I asked about feeling female, he responded with "it's not a choice." (I never said it was.) I figured out what I want to say to him to straighten this up:
There are a few things I would like to clear up. First of all, I can't afford hormone treatment. I didn't ask you for help with that. What I am struggling with is figuring out what is happening and why. I was told that a gender therapist could help with that.
Second, it only really hit me that I felt male a couple months ago. A few years ago, I thought I was female. I did have problems with dysphoria, but that was an abuse related issue, not a gender one.
I did not choose this. I do not like being confused. When I first realized I felt male, I was actually quite upset. I looked up what gender was and it seemed like all I could find was the social construct and that is not why I feel the way I do. I feel male because I want a male body and for people to see me as male. Although I do not feel that my gender issues are a choice, feeling male does make me feel happy. I feel whole and I feel happier being by myself. Right now, I feel like the only thing keeping me from saying that I am male is the fact that I used to be female. It has been suggested that I am genderfluid and that term does seem to fit me. However, I do not understand how that is scientifically possible and, judging by your answer last time we talked, there does not seem to be one. This makes me feel very uncomfortable.
What are your thoughts on this?

I have also decided that, for the next while, I will ask my friends to refer to me as a male. When I think about it, it makes me feel happy, but I have no idea how it will feel in practice. We'll see.

[supremecatoverlord]

It seems like that you might need to see a really "hip" and liberal gender therapist, or they might discredit your identity.
There are always going to be skeptics about anything that falls in between, and that you're saying "I feel like and want to be a guy, but only sometimes" (or at least that's what it seems like) isn't going to help you much unless you're seeing the right person.
You might even want to look into seeing a general therapist for this issue if all you're interested in is talking about it.
Regardless of who you see, just know it may take a lot of searching to find the right person who can understand you. People who are somewhat submerged in the what most people call the "queer community" may be more sympathetic to your issues, meanwhile those who are not could actually be baffled or dissuaded by some of things you're saying.

I'm not saying that it's right that they are, but these things will happen oddly enough.

[Sweet Blue Girl]

Maybe saying "it s not a choice" he was not arguing about the fact that you  are choosing to feel male now, to solve other issues. He was just saying that, being male or female is not a choice, it starts at birth, there s nothing you can do about it. There s no solution, nor overreacting because you still feel female sometimes or because you feel male and you discover new sensations,  just let it flow. It s just about letting things go and learn about yourself.

[Edge]

The reason I'm talking to a gender therapist instead of a general therapist is because I figure a gender therapist has more knowledge about gender. When I came out to my last general therapist, she thought I was talking about sexual orientation.
I'm skeptical of myself which is probably why I'm having so much trouble just accepting this. I really wish I could find a scientific explanation.
I wasn't male at birth. I didn't really notice gender until I was around eighteen and then I associated my personality with a mythological, female archetype.

[lecoeurdegrey]

Edge I have been feeling the exact same way and sometimes seeing a Gender Therapist they can become accustomed to people coming to them pretty much knowing they are trans and wanting hormones. Regardless, if you feel that you would be better suited in getting another therapist by all means you should do so.

Good luck!