Secrets and distrust

[onelove]

Before I knew about him being trans, before he ever told me, there was this one night I was using his phone to download something. I noticed a weird app call "anonymous" that he had downloaded It sounded mysterious and I asked him what it was. He said "I don't know". Without even blinking. There was also a chat app on there. I was really confused and I could feel some dishonesty in the air.

I was shaking, because I don't lie to him or hide things from him, and I guess without thinking into it to much I expected the same from him... I was upset and he came to me an admitted something about me finding his porn and lying about it. I asked him what the chat was and he just kept saying he didn't know.

I told him that I felt like he was hiding things from me. And even after this event I still told him that, but he would always reassure me that he isn't hiding anything and that he has been completely honest with me.

Then the big secret comes out. At the time, I didn't even think of it. I just thought to be supportive. But lately I have been having these dreams where I am really upset and angry at him. I woke up this morning thinking about all these things, and he was in the bathroom. I guess I just felt like, if he could keep that from me and lie about not having secrets, what other things could there be?

Another thing he does is he always brings his phone in the bathroom with him when he's planning on being in there for a while even during a shower. I have asked him why before and he just said that he always does that. He stopped taking his phone with him for a while after he came out because he said he feels like he has nothing to hide anymore. That made me feel good. But for the past week he has been taking his phone with him again.

This morning I asked him calmly, what do you do when you lock yourself in the bathroom with your phone? His response was "does it matter?". That response made me feel like crap. He became angry and told me that we've talked about it and he doesn't want to talk about it again. I told him it was just a question that he could respond calmly to and he just got even more mad and walked out of the room.  I took this as a super defensive response, and I feel like he is hiding something again. I am not sure what it is, if its like a secret chat group he's apart of if he has some forum about trans he's a part of. I told him I want to be a part of the forums that he has so that we can have the same support, etc. I don't even know if it's that though. I don't know what it is.

I don't know what kind of support I am looking for at the moment. I kind of want someone to tell me I am being absurd and crazy.

[chloe23]

You both need to sit down and put your differences aside for one nite and have a heart to heart talk. Communication is very important in a relationship, you both need to be honest with each other. You are both struggling with your own issues to. good luck and hope things work out for both of you.

[Mandie]

Trust is earned not freely given, and when your partner comes out it breaks that trust. There is no doubt about that. I found myself going through my wifes phone, reading emails and texts etc etc. I get angry when she stays for a drink after work..I don't trust her like I once did.

I do not think you are crazy or absurd anymore then I think I am crazy. I think your feelings are natural. This whole thing is a process for both parties. We may not be using pills,patches and God knows what else but it is an emotional roller coaster just the same. Don't beat yourself up, Do let your partner know how you feel. Communication is the only way to help rebuild.

[SerenaExpat]

My advice is to be supportive and find out how far you want to be part of the process. My SO came out and so far we have bonded more so then when we were lovers.

Only when you can answer how far you will be able to support you SO, will your SO be able to open up to you.

[onelove]

The last few weeks have been hard for me.

We haven't really been intimate, and I am a very sexual person. It's a way (not the only way) I connect with a lover. He wasn't being intimate with me or showing any signs of wanting to be. I was pretty sad about it. Sex is important to me. Just connecting in that way means a lot to me. Touching, kissing, the feelings. I expressed this to him. I told him it makes me feel like I don't do it for him anymore. He stopped complimenting and being sweet on me and I told him that made me feel terrible. I am always telling him how beautiful he is when he's all dressed up and stuff, just was feeling like it wasn't reciprocated.

Well we talked about it and he has been more intimate with me, but I cant help but feeling like its not what he wants, but he's just doing it because he knows I want it. Which is fine but... I don't know, I want it to be mutual.

Yesterday he got his hormones and testosterone blocker. I just really don't know what to expect now that he's started taking them.  He said he's not going to want to have as much sex. I was really disappointed.

He doesn't want to be around my family because my mother knows, and he feels embarrassed. My brother just came back from New York  and he didn't want to meet him. It makes me sad. I want him to be a part of my family.

So now we won't be intimate, and he doesn't want to be around my family. I just feel like those are two important things in a relationship especially when you are engaged.

We have talked about it, but things don't seem to be changing.

I feel bad. I feel guilty. Like nothing he does is good enough for me, but I don't know how to turn it off. I am scared, and I don't know if I can do this. I always pictured myself with a husband, strong and taking care of me, and he was going to be that, but now it's all different.

[Jeneva]

Shannon has pink eye so had to take tomorrow off so I may be able to get her to post here and offer a true SO perspective.

Just so you don't feel no one is listening I say a few things now.

First thing to say that is that if you both want to make this work there can be NO secrets.  You have to be talking about everything.  Hidden apps and denials hurt the relationship.  If she can't be open to you then how can you share a real relationship.

Keep in mind that intimacy and "full male-female sex" are two different concepts.  I feel very uncomfortable using "that" part.  In the early days I did try to use "that" because I thought that is what she wanted, but we've moved past that with honest communication.  Now hugs, kisses, snuggling and spooning together are wonderful.  When we are both interested I am all too happy to run my hands (or mouth) all over her body and as long as that one single part stays covered then her hands and lips are welcome anywhere else on my body.

As far as blockers go, yes she will have a harder time to use "that" part, but love is more than just physical desire.  Post-hrt but pre-orchi I couldn't have used that part easily, but even then I still had the desire to be intimate with her (just without it), to touch and share in that wonderful connection that comes from feeling skin pressed again skin.

Sit her down and MAKE her talk to you.  I hate to say it, but based on what you have written here you deserve better.  To find a partner willing to stay through a transition is a rare gift and it almost sounds like she is throwing it away.

Just so it isn't clear that I'm talking bad about her because she isn't here, I would say the same to her face.  She has been given a wonderful gift and if she can't treasure it (you) then she needs to walk away.  Don't feel guilty because what you have said sounds like she isn't doing "good enough" for you.