Complaining...

[Sweet Blue Girl]

Hi
Today i feel so sad, i almost feel the tears forming inside the tear glands, but i keep the eyes open.
It's that my journey seems to never reach a good starting point and my whole life with it.
I nevr had much fun or luck when I was kid. i always kept everything inside till I couldnt stand no more, and I become thirty two by then.
Two or three years ago I realized that nothing was wrong with me, that I wasn't dirty or pervrt, just sick of repressing my true feelings my true aspirations and my true gender and sexual fantasies.
I never dated any man and very few girls were enough to understand that even their love and caring couldnt cure this big void I had inside, cause nothing was enough for that.
Oh i really should stop complaining, but I cant help having this reaction of sadness when I think about how many things I miss in my life.
In the meanwhile I went to a psichiatrist, O started a cognitive therapy, I tried to tell him about my gender issues but he said I had to face things step by step. I had other issues, i was so depressed that my mind was terribly slow or maniacally fast on obsessive search of unexisting anthidots to my unhappiness. I couldnt understand people because I lived all my life inside my shell in an authistic reclusion. Just last winter my psichiatrist said that soon we could talk about that gender issues.
But in the meanwhile I found a work. It is good but i had to choose between therapy and working far away, and we agreed that living was the best cure for me.
I am making progress but i still feel the pain inside when I see a woman or a transsexual person and I dye in my envy, feeling the need to start, to love, be loved, to play this part of the game called life from wich I was always kind of excluded.
I have to stop complain. It was all my fault, I tried so hard to deal alone with my extraordinary needs that I became a lonely kid and lonely boy, or man, craving to be just a woman.
Today i talked with my mom, she asked why I was sad, if it was for my dreams of transformation, her true words. I replied that i was not transforming into anything. I said i had to start or i would get old, and trribly sad, and if it went so was also her fault, making me stay at home all the time, almost recluded, overprotecting me. But it was my fault. She tries to tell me to suppress the feelings i have and focus on work.
And i know i should really do almost as she says, at least improve in other fields, making more friends, coming out slowly, not fearing showing more my true self, my effeminate hidden mannierism, my true emotions and feelings. i really should do many things before going to a doctor and asking magic pills and surgries to correct my body and heal me.
But in the meanwhile i feel sad, i am not able to loose weight and i start to weigh much even for a man, I should loose 20 or 25 kg. My body gets weight, and ages and everything like that says "go faster, see everyone around try to have what they had yet from the start"
Excuse me for this post, i dont know where to write it, a diary isn't enough. I should really stop complaining.

[Jamie D]

We all have days like that, hon.  Don't blame yourself, that can become destructive.

I try to think of one way each day I can improve.  It can be as simple as shaving my legs, taking a bath to relax, walking the dog, or writing a story for a friend. It can all become overwhelming, if you let it get to you.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

[Bexi]

Theres absolutely no need to apologise - we're all here for you.

As Jamie D pointed out, it can all get a bit overwhelming, and nothing seems to happen. But transistioning is a gradual progress. One baby step at a time. I know it sucks that we can't just wake up as the perfect woman but everyone goes through this.

Are there any gender therapists near your work? Its a small step but one closer nonetheless. Also, i'd agree with your current psychiatrist - your health is much more important than your desire to transistion. If you have a secure platform from which to transistion, you'll be more at ease and have less troubles, hence you'll be happier.

Finally, if you're lonely and want to lose weight, join a running club - you can meet new people AND get a killer body  Small steps, but they all count.

I wish you all the happiness in the world
X

[JoanneB]

Please try not to take it out on yourself. We all grow up wanting to "do the right thing". We try in spite of how we feel inside. In spite of all the external pressures upon ou, you are making progress. Baby steps perhaps but still progress. Being trans brings along tons of other emotional baggage. Shedding a few steamer trunks is a good idea before starting the rough part of the adventure.

I hear you about the weight. I started out as a skinny kid untill the age of around 5 when I started to really dislike being a boy. I eventually lost half of me. When a major case of WTF hit me a while back I once again turned to my old friend food. If I am old fat and ugly that should kill any insane thoughts in my head - NOT

It took my therapist to point out the obvious connection between my self destructive eating and drinking and making up a thousand and one lame excuses not to present as Joanne, except for state occasions like my group meeting, seeing him, grocery shopping... Just the simple act of dressing properly as Joanne every day after work got me over the hump.

A TG support group, if you can find one, may help you a lot. It is always nice to be able to talk things out in real time with people who have been there. One girl in my group has a mom that sounds a lot like yours. To make matters worse she is an only child, and her dad died when she was young. Mom was not all that happy at all about her transition.

[Sweet Blue Girl]

Thank you all for your support.
I must add that I know that my situation is pretty common, but also that yesterday was not a bad day, just my usual one. My soul is like that, deeply hurted, but I keep going with the strength of my mind, that although I do not think I am that smart, being semiparalized by side effects of my psychological condition, is still enough strong to say "try to go on".
I wish I was younger, I wish many things as I said, I will try slowly to do things that help me to come out, as going to a gay support association, seeking new friends with whom sharing the simplest emotions and so on. Work also keeps me going. It's just when i stop and I start to think about myself that things go really worse, but I have to deal with it.