I think the only reason you think you look terrible on estrogen is that you're so impulsive and expect great, quick change from estrogen. The fact you "look terrible on estrogen" is only due to the difference between your expectations and the reality, despite the reality not changing, the whole thing being unconscious.
Or the difference could be due to a distorsion in your perception of reality, a well-known effect of from depression. A hormonal change such as what one experiences when starting to take estrogen can easily cause disbalance in one's mental environment, and one of the ways such a phenomenon can appear is depression. Moreover, outside of the initial shock, estrogen does have the side effect of causing depression in select cases. You may be one of those unlucky people who need the physical effects of estrogen to feel well, but are badly affected by depression all the same. However, treating the depression whilst on estrogen is possible and could very well give you a definitely positive result in the end.
You act on your own way too much, and your impulsivity is extremely preoccupying. You don't even seem to be willing to listen to the advice you request. For the thousandth time, getting a therapist should be your one utmost priority at the moment, both for your apparent mental health issues and your gender identity that seems to need to be clarified.
Were you even followed by professionals? If you were, either they were highly incompetent, either you did precisely the contrary of what their wise voices told you to. FFS before HRT, spiro without estrogen... What else? You're ONLY doing uneffective and dangerous things.
Looking sick, or worse, on estrogen is entirely unheard of. I would even deem it impossible, perhaps outside of very precise, rare and obvious (you would know, I'm sure) health issues I do not know about. Estrogen can "not change much" in some cases, true. But any change there is, as commonly accepted by everyone, including any expert, will have an overall positive cosmetic result, even in a male who desires to look male, the reason being that those aesthetical aspects are coincidentally signs of both feminity and youth.
And no, if you want to transition, unless you want a most probably unrealistic appearance and silicon breasts, there's no getting away from estrogen. Any "substitute" there is is but a less effective, more risky molecule that mimics estrogen, designed for people allergic/etc. to the actual product, and it has the exact same effects, except maybe less of them.
And I would like to remind you of the risk associated with the taking of an antiandrogen without replacing the testosterone with estrogen. In the long term, it's extremely likely to cause osteoporosis. In the short and middle terms, it's extremely likely to cause depression and put all of your body off balance, having various negative effects that I haven't researched, but I know exist. A body needs a decent dose of estrogen or testosterone to function normally. Don't even THINK of blaming something else for the problems you have if you don't even give your body that one basic requirement for living normally. Spiro alone often doesn't block testosterone enough to block its masculinising effects... but even if it doesn't, there's still not enough for your body to function normally. I don't know about you, but I call that a bad deal.
On another note, trolling is definitely not a transgender related word. It's of common use with a great number of Internet users. To troll is to goof off, to make jokes, to lie or to use sarcasm in aims to do comedy or ridicule the people one is trolling. A troll is one who trolls. Trolling is the nominal form. To troll someone is either to make fun of them by either lying or goofing off, either to use someone's naivety to lead them into a prank. In short, people think you are "trolling" because the vast majority of the actions you describe are far from any logical course of action.
Whilst we're at it, shall I also mention that "gatekeeping" refers to the action of keeping a gate, as related to the current work of bodyguards and, originally, of soldiers who guard important points, such as a military gate, a parliament building or a castle. People merely transposed the term to a more metaphoric viewpoint in which it works well, where the psychiatrists are the guards with guns and spears, and they require anyone wishing to pass through to endocrine treatment, for example, to fulfill the requirements they set.
