So you've tried transition many times, and went back every time. What that tells me is that the problem came back. Something tells me that when you came back to guy mode, you soon realised that you needed transition.
I think this most probably means that you are doing it wrong, not that what you are doing is wrong. You say yourself that you were born with a longing to be female. Don't be naive enough to think that it will go away if you pull the project's plug. I'm sure you have experienced that in the past already. GID is stealthy, and you can't run away from it. As soon as you turn your back on it, it backstabs you so hard you don't believe it. And as though it's out to punish you from ignoring reality, it adds one more knife each time it strikes.
I don't want to pose as a fake doctor, and don't take my word on this, but sure as heck look like you have a bipolar and/or borderline personality disorder. Some months you want to transition; some months you want to go back. Some days you like what you see in the mirror; some days you think you look awful and blame it all on estrogen for some reason, even though you know that recently operated people always look sick for a while. Some days you're so into transition you get FFS without putting much thought into it; then you spend the following few days contemplating suicide because you don't like your post-operative face.
Your impulsivity and unstability right now, if you ask me, disqualify you from making
any reasonable decision. And destabilising yourself by making reckless changes such as stopping HRT will only worsen the problem by a lot. You need to settle this and calm down before making decisions.
Also, more physically, do you realise that every time you stop and re-start HRT, you expose your body to great trauma, and jeopardise your health? And I don't know for how long you've been on HRT, but if your testicles have been affected enough by HRT, you won't be able to get enough T running in your body to maintain your health; and the hormone imbalance, as well as the lack of hormones whatsoever, are likely to worsen your depression and mood swings.
Also, stopping and restarting certainly reduces the results you can get. You may be determined and sure you want to stop right now, but weren't you just as sure when you last stopped? I'm certain you won't be as sure when the euphoria of change and impulsive decisions would go away in a few weeks, and dysphoria would come back to hit you at full force.
For now, remain stable and don't do anything reckless. I'm sure even you, despite being in the cyclone's eye, can notice the storm that's going on.
I don't even actually know you, but I suspect that this is not something that will go away on its own. You need to see a psychologist and/or psychiatrist, and fast. I mean it; you worry me to the highest point. With your unstability, recent suicidal thoughts and all, I would even say that it's an utmost emergency that you see someone very quickly. First, your mood needs to be stabilised. And once your thoughts are clear, you can sit and calmly let a therapist help you determine what to do next regarding your gender.
I really hope you get better soon. Don't try to settle this alone.
Also, you might be interested in this post I wrote to another member regarding fear and decisions. She was apparently helped and calmed by the post; maybe it will help you to a degree.
Quote from: A on January 09, 2012, 12:42:15 PM
Being at a less advanced stage in transition than you, I don't know how much I can help, but I can at least try.
You have to remember you're going out as female before having had any physical transition done at all. I haven't even considered trying that. I just know it would feel fake. No matter how I feel inside, if I have to disguise or fake things to be seen as female, it doesn't work; it's just as bad as faking to be male; I'd only be changing what I fake, but still be faking.
So I can't help but think it's entirely normal to feel as you do right now. I wouldn't have gotten this far. For me, presenting as female is a no until my name is changed and I can do it 24/7; and anything akin to sexual activity is a no until my genitals have changed. I just know I'd feel as wrong, or even more wrong, than I do now.
The key points I get from your posts is that you feel wrong not because you're presenting as female, but because you have to fake to do so, right? As I understand it, you enjoy "boy mode" since it doesn't involve forcing yourself or being careful. That pretty much means that a non-physically-transitioned transgender's life is not for you... Which is the case for a big proportion of people over here, me included. I can't read your mind, but the "verdict" I get from this is that you actually would get help from that HRT.
Think about it: right now, you say you feel good being female. So you like being female. You also say you enjoy being male, but you never mention anything male because it's male, and you always say there's another reason; it's always because it's more natural. So you don't like faking; you don't like the in-between state. There are things you like because they are female, but none you do because they are male, so where could the assumption that you like to be male come from? Simple mathematics: Like to be female + Don't like the in-between state = Like to be female without the in-between elements = Should feel better after a complete-ish physical transition.
I also want to add that HRT changes that occur before 6 months are generally regarded as reversible and/or not very apparent if treatment is stopped.
I know I've said that many times already, but I still feel you're worrying way too much. If you haven't lied in your therapist (assuming she's competent) meetings and have been referred, then it probably means transition is for you. And I can't help but worry about your apparent roller coaster of feelings.
Sometimes you're so decided not to transition that you leave the site; sometimes you're so motivated that you even present as female without any HRT and beam with joy; and now you're back to major doubts and anxiety. I still think you might want to look into this. My father has been bipolar all his life and denied it all his life; as a result, he lost his wife, the respect of his children, and lived a bankruptcy. I'm probably wrong and I hope I am, and I don't have any right to say this, nor have I even met you in person, but I think you should try to get that assessed. I'm really worried for you.
The last time you had a "transitional down", you left the site, cut your hair, got a beard, forgot about it all, etc. So you tried doing nothing and your problems came back unchanged. So that option is noted as non-working. So you have the choice of a solution that could or could not help, HRT and transition, or a solution that has been confirmed not to help, cancelling everything.
I sincerely don't see any reason to cancel everything again. In all logic, it'll repeat the same pattern you lived a few months ago. What's the use in going back and forth?
Moreover, decisions driven by fear always have higher chances of being bad ones, aren't they? You took a thought-out, logical, calm decision. Any decision you take now should theoretically be inferior, simply because your judgement is clouded by your anxiety.
You could try pondering on this, too...
You took the decision to transition because it seemed like it was the best option, right? I mean, there aren't thousands of options available to you. Now, your feelings have changed. Why is that? Is there an option, other than HRT, that you feel would be better for you? Examine your choices: would a partial transition help you more? would you like to live an androgynous life? etc. If you're not more inclined towards another choice, then why change it? Fearing something is no reason to choosing something else, is it?
If I have to either walk 100 Km on a well-lit road or walk 1 Km in a small, scary, dark tunnel and I'm scared of the darkness of the tunnel when standing in front of it... I knew it was dark and scary when I decided to use it. Assuming I can't turn back, the circumstances haven't changed: I'm still not interested in walking 1000x more, the tunnel is exactly as dark and scary as it used to be, and there's no new road available. I'm going to swallow my fear and go in the tunnel, since it's the only choice there is.
Your situation is similar. Has the tunnel changed? Is there a new road? If not, what reason would there be to change your decision?
If you're still doubting despite those logical arguments, then I have to deem your state as normal but useless anxiety. Ignore it and avance.
The key in my message is: you're not thoughtlessly charging into transition. You've thought about it already, so doubting now is pointless. Unless something else than your state of mind has changed, don't even allow yourself to doubt.
I hope I helped... Doesn't feel very helpful, sorry.
I hope I helped.
Please don't think I'm telling you what to do for the heck of it, thinking too highly of myself or anything. I just want to help you my best, and I somewhat have experience with people experiencing issues that seem similar to yours...
