Hello Everyone
I've been reading this site for a few weeks now and decided to introduce myself and become an active member.
I'm almost 40, I've been married to my fabulous, awesome, beautiful wife for 20 years and I have an 18 year old daughter.
My whole life I felt like I would just turn into a boy one day. I grew up around the medical profession and had access to medical books and realized at a young age that some people were born intersex. So I thought that must be what was wrong with me and that they had just chosen wrong. Then when I was about 12 maybe, I saw the Christine Jorgenson Story. I decided then that someday I would just have an operation and that would be that. Of course that was not exactly as easy as I thought it would be and really put it out of my head. I dated a couple of women in high school and thought "well I was wrong I'm just a lesbian." I went to college where I met my wife and we started a family right away.
About 15 years ago my wife was watching a documentary about FTM guys and looks at me and says "you sound exactly like these guys" and I said yes that is exactly how I feel. So after much upset and tears, I decided to push all of that down and just go on with my life. I would just be me, or at least the butch lesbian version of me and live my life. I simply could not put her through that.
Then last fall when I turned 39 it really hit me that I was just unhappy and 40 was quickly coming my way and I couldn't push this down any longer and made an appointment to see a therapist. Now I had planned to make the first visit and then tell my wife. Well I just couldn't do that it felt like I was keeping something from her so I told her. To my amazement, she has been totally supportive and loving. She said that she knew I was unhappy and that she was so scared of loosing me but that she wanted me to be happy more than for me to just be here.
So I have been seeing the therapist for about 3 months now and that is going well. We have talked about that I have been basically socially male for years. The biggest thing in my life is my synagogue and I am totally accepted into everything male there. Both in ritual and in social settings. I am out to my rabbi and a few close friends. I don't get male pronouns there but I haven't asked people to start using them so I can't say that they would not. When I told me daughter she was said "oh really?" "well it's kinda obvious" She's great and totally supportive.
In fact the only people who have not been supportive have been FTM guys. Don't really get that but OK. I guess there has been some tension between the lesbian circle and FTMs or something. Honestly I haven't been involved with the lesbian culture in many years even though I was living as a female partnered with a female, so I don't know. But point being is that I am sure these two guys do not represent the whole of FTMs in the world. Anyone can be a jerk.
So I am hoping to find a supportive community and maybe even some guys my age to talk with.
Hope everyone has a great day!
Kol Tov
JJ
