Question On Violence

[Andarta]

 Was speaking with my mom last night an she has concerns with me going full time in 4-6 months when I go to live near where she migrated to based on stuff she has seen on television, i'm using my time in solitude out here in the boonies where I live now to start HRT, let my hair grow out an work on my voice & mannerisms and really really desire to go full time when I arrive there an go full force with picking up on my education an finding work because it's in a more urban setting with plenty of opportunities that are unfortunately not available where I reside now and it seems like a good opportunity to start a new life.

She asked me if I could hold off longer than that but I don't want to an i'm trying to get advice on how to avoid transphobic violence an statistics on how prevalent it is to try an put her mind at ease, I explained it would be pretty bad to be presenting as a guy with a pair of boobs i'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried myself but I don't find it beneficial to my mental health to put off presenting myself the way I should in order to avoid getting beat up by some ignorant thug.

Is there any advice any of you could give me to avoid such problems?, I know passing convincingly is obviously one of them but are there other tips that could prevent an act of violence?

I'm not into bar scenes(don't drink) generally shy an reclusive, don't make a habit of hitting on or flirting with anyone if that narrows it down at all...I am already writing down possible martial arts schools I would like to attend in that area to defend against an unexpected assault but always prefer to avoid a physical confrontation if at all possible.

Any of you carry pepper spay or tasers?

Sorry of this seems like a waste of time just wanted some information on this subject and experiences you may have had while transitioning. Thank You

[Bird]

It is not that big of a issue in my opinion. You basically avoid going out in the dark alone, don't go to deserted places alone and if you go out at night without a car, stay in crowded streets. Avoid picking up guys and taking them to bed without them knowing you are trans as well.

Usually, any kind of advice that would work towards a ciswoman works for us too.

[Sephirah]

I wasn't going to say anything in this thread because it hits very close to home.

But, against my better judgement...

The only way to be totally sure you'll avoid violence is to never set foot outside your door. The minute you start to believe that you'll somehow be responsible for facilitating the primitive actions of one (or more) Neanderthal brutes, that's the moment you give them all the power.

Learn to defend yourself, by all means. Maybe even invest in pepper spray, or whatever makes you feel more at ease, but one thing you don't do is you don't stop living your life. Because when you do that, everyone harbouring any sort of transphobic thoughts has already got what they wanted without even lifting a finger.

Obviously you don't go looking for trouble, as mentioned above, but nor should you hamstring yourself in the things that you want to do, or places you want to go, out of a fear that you'll run into it.

[Andarta]

I wasn't going to say anything in this thread because it hits very close to home.

But, against my better judgement...

The only way to be totally sure you'll avoid violence is to never set foot outside your door. The minute you start to believe that you'll somehow be responsible for facilitating the primitive actions of one (or more) Neanderthal brutes, that's the moment you give them all the power.

Learn to defend yourself, by all means. Maybe even invest in pepper spray, or whatever makes you feel more at ease, but one thing you don't do is you don't stop living your life. Because when you do that, everyone harbouring any sort of transphobic thoughts has already got what they wanted without even lifting a finger.

Obviously you don't go looking for trouble, as mentioned above, but nor should you hamstring yourself in the things that you want to do, or places you want to go, out of a fear that you'll run into it.

Sorry to hear that, sorry if this topic brought up some bad memories.

I'm not gonna put off being myself for those type of people at all, I mean imo it's either be myself an live with risk of being murdered by some ignorant a-hole an die happy or confine myself to hiding an spend years committing spiritual suicide to the point where it drives me to kill myself eventually. I'll do whatever it takes at this point I just wish other people in my family weren't so terrified an tell me to hold off on being myself for the sake of some clowns. I'm gonna go look up some prices on pepper spray right now an buy some, an when the time comes take up martial arts(i've wanted to do this forever anyways) so if a situation pops up i'll go IP man on their asses.

[A]

Oh, my... I would love to help, but your text is too hard to follow. Sorry.

[Asfsd4214]

Oh, my... I would love to help, but your text is too hard to follow. Sorry.

Well.... that's an odd thing to post. 

Ok so anyway.....

About self defense. Two things to emphasize here. One is to keep in mind people are attacked all the time and it's nothing to do with being transgender, and it CAN happen to you, don't be afraid, be prepared. The other is to emphasize that self defense all comes down to between your ears. Everything you can do comes down to what you yourself are prepared to do, and what risks you're willing to take.

Here's my tips, and these aren't transgender specific but relatively general.

In my country, the general wisdom if I dare to call it that is that criminalizing the carry of weapons (and I do mean ANYTHING that could possibly be a weapon) will keep criminals from carrying them, which of course it doesn't. But as far as I'm concerned, if the police want to arrest me for being able to protect myself because they can't be everywhere, they can go ahead. I won't be intimidated by lawful injustice anymore than unlawful injustice.

However, weapons of any kind (from pepperspray to a firearm) are a double edge sword. They are a very good idea to carry in some circumstances but again, only if you yourself are actually prepared and competent in using them. If you have pepper spray, a knife, whatever, they CAN be used against you if push comes to shove and you aren't willing to use them, or you use them but haven't had any practice in what you would do.

The best thing you can do is use your brain, think about what could happen, and what you'd do if it did.
Also learn the laws of where you're going, what CAN you do legally to protect yourself if you're thinking of carrying any sort of weapon. What's legal, what's not, what laws you're willing to break, if any at all.

You haven't said that I can see where you're going to live, but in most of the developed world outside the united states, the carry of any sort of weapons is generally prohibited. Inside the US it depends on a state to state basis.

I can go more into weapons if you want, but there's no point if it's illegal and you're not willing to break the law, which is completely understandable. Knives are dangerous to carry because you can be more easily overpowered with them if you don't use them to the best of your ability. Guns are good to carry but only if you're actually willing to use them and willing to get some training in the topic. Pepperspray is risky because it can be ineffective, or worse, effect you as well as your assailant. Stunguns are even worse because you have to be really close to use them and can be ineffective. Tasers are likely to be very effective and can be used at range, but only fire once and then have to be reloaded, which if you're not practices in it and miss could be a BIG problem.

Any weapon you choose to carry you need to make sure to familliarise yourself with.

To emphasize again, your BEST defense is in your head.

Be aware of your surroundings, actually dedicate time to actively think about your risk level. It doesn't have to be something you think about 24/7 of course, but when you're at any risk of attack, get into the habit of being aware of your surroundings.

Don't make your keys visible while walking to your car, it makes you vulnerable to carjacking and other crimes.
Avoid high crime areas if you can, especially at night, ESPECIALLY alone.

Make it a habit to be most aware when you're alone, because obviously that's when you're most at risk.
Keep an eye on the people around you. Use your instincts. If the people near you set off alarm bells in your head, avoid them if you can.
It's not a weapon, but it is a valuable tool... cell phones. Keep one with you at all times, always have it charged. Be in the practice of knowing how to dial your local emergency number as quickly as possible if you have too, and what information is most important to give them, your location. Sometimes they can track your location by phone but it's time consuming and you can't rely on it. Coverage is also something to consider.

It all depends how much you're willing to risk and what effort you're willing to put in.

But don't delude yourself. Crime does happen, unprovoked assaults do happen, you could be attacked for not passing but you could be attacked just as easily because you DO. And it CAN happen to you no matter what precautions you take. Be prepared, supposedly it's the boy scouts motto but I've never actually checked, but it's a great philosophy to live by.

Don't be afraid, be smart. Use your instincts, and read more.

And finally, DO NOT listen to people who tell you you're just being paranoid and that you're at little to no risk if you just stay in well lit places in safe areas (even though technically it true, but you already had an unlikely thing happen to you just in being born transgender).

Those people may never have anything happen to them, but when it does, you can be sure they'll be first on the 7pm news saying "I thought it could never happen to me. There was nothing I could have done!"

Stay safe. Hope this helps.

Edited some grammar mistakes because of my haste in this post

[Andarta]

Asfsd4214, thanks for the sound advice. I'm moving to the Gastonia N.C. area which is more or less a suburb of the city of Charlotte.

[Miki]

Some things to bear in mind you may find helpful:

- Violence is violence.  Once it is initiated, the catalyst for it doesn't matter at all.  Violence in relation to anything is still violence.  Don't make a false distinction in your mind between flavors or levels of danger.  They are all ungood and can all escalate into situations that started small then blew up into serious physical risk.

- Situational Awareness is the thing that keeps you safe 99% of the time.  Stay in well-lit, highly trafficked areas.  Avoid parking huge distances from your destination, or in remote areas of parking garages.  If something feels wrong, pay attention to that feeling first instead of any social awkwardness or potential embarrassment.  Always be aware of who and what is around you and avoid places and pathways that are secluded and poorly lit.

- Pepper spray, mace, knives, guns, stun guns...can all generate a false sense of security and contribute to poor decision-making.  If you are going to carry anything as a deterrent, please seek out the proper training for whatever it is.  Anything you carry that can be taken away and used against you, but far moreso if you have no training at all.  A whistle is never a bad idea.

- Martial Arts does not make you invulnerable or any less likely to avoid serious injury unless you've put years into it.  I've been a martial artist for most of my life, and have taught self-defense and rape prevention for decades.  I constantly stress that a few classes here and there, while confidence building, only goes so far when it comes to practical application.  If you are serious about training, find a good program and interview the instructor.  Real fights and struggles are not like anything you have even seen on TV or the Movies.  Ever.  The entire point of self-defense is to avoid confrontation and physical conflict at all costs, not to "go IP Man" on anyone.  I know you were kidding, but...

- Ensure you know what the self-defense laws are in the area you plan to move to.  What is legal for you to carry, and what that jurisdiction's escalation of force standards are. 

- Don't carry yourself like a furtive victim.  I know that sounds vague as hell, but head up, confident, obviously aware of your surroundings, those are aspects of someone who is not a victim waiting to happen.  Criminal and those pondering violence pick up on that. 

Just be careful.  Avoiding danger is the best of all possible scenarios.  Being smart, rational and realistic about what you do when it cannot be avoided can save your life.

Best,

-Miki

[Asfsd4214]

Asfsd4214, thanks for the sound advice. I'm moving to the Gastonia N.C. area which is more or less a suburb of the city of Charlotte.

North Carolina is what's known as a "shall issue" state, which basically means if you wanted to pursue it, you could carry a firearm on your person.

However if you don't think you'd be willing to use one to defend yourself, and you wouldn't be willing to invest the effort to become competent in using one, it would be highly inadvisable to carry one. But it's on the table.

Oddly enough, from the little research I've done, it would appear 'most' (but not all, you'd have to double check) carry of knives and tasers technically is a crime , however not the open carry and with permit, concealed carry of firearms. Gotta love what kinda logic that doesn't make.

However those statutes are likely not enforced. You'd have to do some research on the subject and decide what, if any, weapon you'd want to carry.

Oh and also, I love your avatar, Faith rocks. 

[Asfsd4214]

Some things to bear in mind you may find helpful:

- Violence is violence.  Once it is initiated, the catalyst for it doesn't matter at all.  Violence in relation to anything is still violence.  Don't make a false distinction in your mind between flavors or levels of danger.  They are all ungood and can all escalate into situations that started small then blew up into serious physical risk.

- Situational Awareness is the thing that keeps you safe 99% of the time.  Stay in well-lit, highly trafficked areas.  Avoid parking huge distances from your destination, or in remote areas of parking garages.  If something feels wrong, pay attention to that feeling first instead of any social awkwardness or potential embarrassment.  Always be aware of who and what is around you and avoid places and pathways that are secluded and poorly lit.

- Pepper spray, mace, knives, guns, stun guns...can all generate a false sense of security and contribute to poor decision-making.  If you are going to carry anything as a deterrent, please seek out the proper training for whatever it is.  Anything you carry that can be taken away and used against you, but far moreso if you have no training at all.  A whistle is never a bad idea.

- Martial Arts does not make you invulnerable or any less likely to avoid serious injury unless you've put years into it.  I've been a martial artist for most of my life, and have taught self-defense and rape prevention for decades.  I constantly stress that a few classes here and there, while confidence building, only goes so far when it comes to practical application.  If you are serious about training, find a good program and interview the instructor.  Real fights and struggles are not like anything you have even seen on TV or the Movies.  Ever.  The entire point of self-defense is to avoid confrontation and physical conflict at all costs, not to "go IP Man" on anyone.  I know you were kidding, but...

- Ensure you know what the self-defense laws are in the area you plan to move to.  What is legal for you to carry, and what that jurisdiction's escalation of force standards are. 

- Don't carry yourself like a furtive victim.  I know that sounds vague as hell, but head up, confident, obviously aware of your surroundings, those are aspects of someone who is not a victim waiting to happen.  Criminal and those pondering violence pick up on that. 

Just be careful.  Avoiding danger is the best of all possible scenarios.  Being smart, rational and realistic about what you do when it cannot be avoided can save your life.

Best,

-Miki

By and large, I highly agree with 99% of this post. Although "A whistle is never a bad idea.", I am dubious of that. I highly doubt most people hearing a whistle in the middle of the night would go "Oh my god someones being raped I better dial 911". It MIGHT attract their attention if they're in line of sight, but it's still dubious to me.

The noise in itself can be disorienting, but most attackers will be so full of adrenaline and maybe other drugs I doubt it would be very effective, hell, even guns, pepper spay, stun guns, etc, can't be counted on to be 100% effective 100% of the time.

And like the other weapons, it could lead to a false sense of security.

[Andarta]

North Carolina is what's known as a "shall issue" state, which basically means if you wanted to pursue it, you could carry a firearm on your person.

However if you don't think you'd be willing to use one to defend yourself, and you wouldn't be willing to invest the effort to become competent in using one, it would be highly inadvisable to carry one. But it's on the table.

Oddly enough, from the little research I've done, it would appear 'most' (but not all, you'd have to double check) carry of knives and tasers technically is a crime , however not the open carry and with permit, concealed carry of firearms. Gotta love what kinda logic that doesn't make.

However those statutes are likely not enforced. You'd have to do some research on the subject and decide what, if any, weapon you'd want to carry.

Oh and also, I love your avatar, Faith rocks. 

Yeah she does one reason I want to be near Charlotte so bad too because I want to get back into freerunning an there are plenty of freerunning an parkour groups in the area, a back injury has had me down an out for some time now but i'll be going strong again soon. 

I'm quite proficient with firearms but don't like to use them an would rather not sport one, I would like to have something that could deter an aggressor so I could retreat an flee the situation without causing any serious physical harm.

[Asfsd4214]

Yeah she does one reason I want to be near Charlotte so bad too because I want to get back into freerunning an there are plenty of freerunning an parkour groups in the area, a back injury has had me down an out for some time now but i'll be going strong again soon. 

I'm quite proficient with firearms but don't like to use them an would rather not sport one, I would like to have something that could deter an aggressor so I could retreat an flee the situation without causing any serious physical harm.

I would never recommend carrying a firearm if you didn't feel comfortable doing so. And ESPECIALLY if you don't feel like you could shoot someone if it ever came to that, which hopefully it never would. But at the same time, I will say there's a reason most all law enforcement anywhere has them, they're about the most effective weapon going around, when used competently.

Obviously this is all stuff to think about and ultimately decisions for you to make. The problem with trying to deter and aggressor is you usually won't know they're an aggressor until they've... well... aggressed (yes I know that's not a word  ) In terms of deterrence, the best weapon is numbers. Having friends, just sticking with crowds generally are good ways to avoid problems. The more people around the more honest people are kept.

If you were attacked, and your attacker doesn't have a weapon that can be used at a distance, if possible it would usually (but not always) be best to just run and try and contact the authorities on a cell phone and find other people. But if you're preparing for the less likely worst case scenario where you HAD to defend yourself. And you're not comfortable using a gun. A taser might be a good option to look into (if it's lawful in your area and/or you're willing to risk breaking the law). They are usually fairly effective. And their idea is generally to incapacitate your assailant and make as much distance between you and them as possible in the meantime.

But if you had multiple attackers, which again I will state is a very unlikely occurrence, but one that does and has happened. A taser only fires one shot before needing to be reloaded. And knives and stunguns have similar limitations. Pepperspray is more effective against multiple attackers,  but still less effective than a firearm, which is also not a perfect solution either, but no solution is.

And as miki said, it's very important to familiarise yourself with the law and any weapon you choose to carry.

Something I forgot to mention, martial arts have been touched upon. And don't get me wrong here, martial arts for practical self defence can be very effective. The problem with it is how much longer it takes to become proficient in it to get that point. And the confidence in ability it would take to utilise it. People spend years doing it. And again, other weapons also take a time investment cost too, but not quite as long and are more useful sooner. Also, if you were attacked unprovoked before you even had time to react, a handgun is much more useful in an already compromised position and stance where you have milliseconds to react.

[Renee D]

gastonia shouldn't be too bad with that sort of thing. Just learn the areas of it and what parts of charlotte to avoid, especially at night. I live at the coast myself now, but I used to live in Charlotte before transitioning, but went out some and never felt unsafe. I still have family there too and have been shopping, out to eat, etc. since I transitioned and no issues, but that is mostly south, east and north charlotte. I  have always tended to avoid the west side, which unfortunately is towards gastonia. 

As others have said, just practice caution, avoid situations where someone could corner you alone at night and personally, I wouldn't carry anything beside mace or something. 

[justmeinoz]

I guess, as the Holocaust proved, absolutely anything can happen absolutely anywhere, but taking the sort of sensible precautions any cis-woman would, sums it up pretty well.
Unless you are actually trained in their use, weapons are not as useful as many seem to think.  Running is always good though.

How many people here are really mentally prepared to shoot and kill another person? 

As an excercise, try something I had to do in a suicide prevention class.  Actually sit down with someone close to you, and ask them, just as an exercise, "are you planning to kill yourself." And, "I am planning to kill myself."  It is a lot harder than it sounds if done seriously.  Actually drawing a firearm and shooting someone is a far more serious thing again.


Karen.

[luna nyan]

Asfsd4124, your advise is sound.

The best lesson I every learned when I learned aikido was to use the thing in between my ears.  Good situational awareness, and avoiding places where violence is likely is the best bet.

Learning martial arts is one thing - I took lessons for 3 years, but haven't kept it up - I would most likely be useless in a fight - it takes constant practice to be able to move instinctively.  Don't forget that once you've been on HRT, you will lose strength and that will make it all the more difficult.

Any weapon can be turned against you, so I too wouldn't think of carrying unless I had the right training for it.

[Bird]

Oh one thing

If you begin clubbing, don't leave the club on your own at 4am on high heels and in a dress to walk a whole city block towards your car. Always get someone to go with you or park very close.

[8888]

Hmm...

First, common sense. Build a list of low risk / high risk types of people, f.e. women would be low risk, this would take into consideration various factors such as general appearance, mannerisms, outfits, class... source of information  - media/crime stats/experience etc.. some people are best avoided if possible or in certain situations f.e. at night.

Second is you own presentation. If you don't pass and dress provocatively you may be more at risk of trans related crime, if you pass and dress provocatively you may be more at risk of rape. If you're gonna dress for attention make sure you have people with or around you or are able to defend self.

Third is weapons... stun guns & pepper spray are useful but not when more than one person is attacking. If you come into contact with more than one person best thing to do is run... you might be able to bring them down individually. Brass knuckles are a good idea, you're probably good at punching, just play a naive girl and KO when they're least expecting - if illegal in your country make them yourself - tutorials on youtube.

Avoid certain areas and at night it's probs best to cycle rather than walk for quick getaway and less attraction. Also dont go round telling everyone youre trans and proud or anything like that just learn to keep secrets and act humble/nice you don't want to make enemies.