In my time here, in Susans', I've been brought to think about how I could have preformed at various tasks and parts of life generally, if I hadn't been expending so much on trying so hard to be a man.
The point is often made, that child hood is a time when our brains are stuffed with generations of accumulated neurosis so we can disfunction as badly as possible in adult life.
It's a cynical point, but like so many humourous notions, it has a reference to reality.
Let's face it, there is no training for parents. They do the best they can and most make mistakes. It's only when we get to 'that' age that we can tell them 'They've ruined our life and we hate them!!', just before we actually grow up, that they realise they actually did quite well considering.
Now one of the lessons that parents instill into us is consideration and respect for others. One of the most important lessons any of us ever learn, let's face it.
But I think sometimes we let this go too far and in so doing, actually let the world down.
I'll explain.
Like many, I have known all my life that this just isn't right. But like most, realiseing the significance and impact of being truthful with myself, I've held back.
But there are so many things I've done in my life which would have been done so much better if I was recognised as female.
To those who know me, I spent a number of years as a nurse. I was a male nurse. That makes a difference. It shouldn't but it does. I played along with the male role, even to the point of breaking down a few times, simply because I convinced myself that I would do less harm by presisting with the pretense.
I was wrong.
I'm not a man and never was. I was a woman, pretending to be a male nurse. I was pretending to be a man.
I think sometimes, with the best intentions, we fail those around us.
Sometimes, we need to just stop and look at ourselves.
Sometimes it has to be about me.
