Has being androgynous affected your sex life, pls? (new here)

[JinJan]

Hi, all...I have been reading some posts on this Androgyne board for a few days now...I feel that it spoke to me...and you folks here, seem very nice...and supportive of each other, which is what I have been looking for.

Before I get to the question I posed above, let me give a little background.  I have never felt "natural" being female...I had to "remind" myself to walk appropriately, sit appropriately, etc.  I am now 52 years old, and finally admitting the fact that I believe I am androgynous, although I don't really care about "labeling" myself.  When I looked in the mirror, I never saw female, but I also don't see male...I see the "in-between"...whatever that is.  I have read many great descriptions here, about what the in-between really is...for each of us.

My question that I am now struggling with is...I have never been able to "let go" sexually...especially allowing my hubby to touch my private parts, down below (I don't know if I can say the actual words here, without being censored).  I have always thought that that hesitancy, was due to some childhood issues, with possibly some mild sexual abuse, or something, which I have tried to address already, through therapy.  But now that I am looking at things a bit differently, I am wondering if this feeling is because of my feelings of androgyny.  The way I view myself, and just "feel" that is naturally me, inside, is that of being female on top, and male on the bottom (even though, anatomically, I am female). I have "packed" a few times, although that is infrequent.  I mainly dress female on top, and male on the bottom, with a short, androgynous, hair style.  I am feeling pretty comfortable this way now.

I have been unable to tell my hubby about my androgynous feelings...but I am sure he suspects something.  He is very accepting, I just am still dealing with "acceptance" within MYSELF, first, then I will tell him.  But, I am truly wondering how much these new feelings have been interfering with my sex life.  Thank you for listening...I hope to post here more...I look forward to your thoughts!   JinJan.

[Jamie D]

Hi JinJan. You didn't say how long you have been with your spouse, but I would not be surprised if he recognized your struggles with intimacy.  And that you are about that age when menopause kicks in, he would certainly be understanding.

When I was younger, my androgeny allowed me to participate with either sex in either role (for lack of a better phrase).  After I married, I maintained a fairly traditional relationship, with occasional crossgender role-playing.  You might be pleasurably surprised what your parter might be willing to do to spice up the relationship, especially if he is as accepting as you say.

[saint]

Since my partner and I have realised and discussed how niether of us exactly fit in the binary model of gender, we have stopped struggling to have traditional 'hetero' sex and do what fits us instead, things are much happier now

[Amazon D]

actually its much much better.. when i wake up in the middle of the night from having wet dreams i don't feel guilty that i was with whomever.. or i was whatever gender in them.. yes i have had many varied women partners in my dreams,,, so yea being a celibate non sexual non gender looking 14 yr post op my sex life in my sleep has been wonderful..

oh maybe you were talking about a sex life while your awake.. hmmm that has too many issues in them since yo have to deal with real people.. 

[JinJan]

I appreciate all the replies regarding my dilemma...I especially like what "Saint" said, that they have figured out the "non-traditional" ways of enjoying themselves, and it works better for them.  I am going to have to think about that one!

I am soooooo grateful for this site...I almost feel as if I don't have to "explain" more about my particular situation, because so many here, have already said, what I seem to feel!  It is an amazing feeling to know that one is truly "not alone".  Thank you.  JinJan.

[soulfairer]

I have been struggling for some time with it. Haven't been able to feel natural as a male, but not necessarily wanting to completely cross the line, I yearn for things sometimes female, sometimes male: I like the fact that I have few corporal hair, dislike that men cannot wear so many types of clothes, usually balance myself having tons of female friends, etc.

Sexually, I've been rethinking myself, as gender identity also sometimes calls for it. Never being abused, but also never been educated (pros and cons exist), I always try to be at the middle, consciously or not.

I'm also unable to tell people what I really feel inside, which may change in the next month or so ('cause I need to let that go). I will just try to be happy, even if unhappiness ensues.

Fortunately, JinJan, as you said, we're not alone.

[Shantel]

Hi JinJan!
        I'm a genetic male living in androgynous mode. Long story-short I was well into a gender change that came to a screeching halt just prior to SRS. My genetic female spouse has been long suffering and understanding. We both get HRT via a naturopathic doctor, which by the way has been very helpful for her as she was well into the hot flashes and night sweat stage of menopause. The HRT has revitalized us both in our sex life. She refers to me as "her exotic" and enjoys being the dominant top one and has come to terms with my breasts and now enjoys that as a part of me.  It's been a long haul, patience and a lot of long soul bearing conversations have made the difference.

[MiaOhMya!]

I certainly understand the fear as I lived as an adrogyne for quite a while.

My opinion is that not sharing something with my partner about something that's troubling me tends to make matters worse. There were misinterpretations and frustrations that arose when I kept things to myself. Now, very much like Saint,  I too have a mutual understanding with my partner about what is or is not acceptable. Sometimes I accommodate him, even if its not my favourite idea, but then sometimes he accomodates me. It just kinda works out that way, and we've learned to appreciate and trust eachother that much more .

If you have a good realtionship, and you truly love  and trust eachother, I suspect he will try his best to understand and accommodate you. However frustrating it is, youre essentially an "in the closet" androgyne, and whether or not you come out you are still the same person at heart.

Coming out is something we all must face to varying degrees, and its a tough call, but remember all that's really coming out is the truth.

[JinJan]

Thank you, MiaOhMya - you are right, of course.  I am definitely going to tell him soon, I just have to figure out first, what to say - i.e., I have to figure out what I (underlined) want - all I know now, is what I don't want (in other words, I am finally figuring out why I have a 'hesitation' with my lower female anatomy) - maybe that is a start.

But, I don't want to scare my hubby right now, by saying something that might make him feel that I am 'not female', at all. 

Get this - my therapist told me, that I need to express my male side, in order for my 'authentic' female side, to come out more (not the female that I have been 'acting' as, all these years) - interesting.  JinJan.

[MiaOhMya!]

Ah gotta love therapists!

Don't forget, therapists are normal people who had to choose a career like anyone else, so not every therapist will

1) be the type of person who is able to truly empathize with the client/patient and
2) are truly empassioned by their profession.

That leads to the  double-talk gibberish some therapists spew. I don't really know what your therapist meant, not to mention how you interpreted their words. Who knows if your therapist even knew what they meant!

My suggestion, and only if it works for you, is to comprehend truly that while physical sex may seem binary, it is not...and therefore GENDER is even more fluid. Its time to come to peace with the reality that you do not fit into a single gender definition, and that's okay! Your pain does not stem from your thoughts, but rather in believing that your thoughts are somehow inherently "wrong". The sooner we realise that we simply ARE, the more freedom we feel from that pititul, antiquated social construct of binary gender.

Just be careful with therapists. Take what works for you, and leave the rest behind...the therapist, myself, other forum members...we're not always right!

You seem like a lovely and caring person, and truly I hope your life journey leads to remarkable places!

[suzifrommd]

Dating was rough. Women liked my looks but were put off when I treated them more like a sister/girlfriend. I ended up marrying a woman who tends to love unconditionally which has been a great comfort.

Sex, on the other hand, has always been great, both with wife and with earlier girlfriends. My fascination with women, my drive to understand them and what makes them tick drove an intense attraction on my part and a desire to learn what pleases them. Once we got over the initial attraction issues, my gender issues led to much more intimate relationships, friendships based on mutual understanding beyond just coupling.

[AbraCadabra]

YES, and... what sex-life?!

Axélle

[Kiss]

Hi JinJan!

I believe being honest and talking to your other half is the best way forward. It would be unlikely that he wouldn't have noticed any difference in you relationship and talking about it should make things clearer ( although it can be reaaaaaaaaly hard to bring up!) and it can bring you closer together. How long have you been together?

I am MTF/Andro/WTF/who cares and on the first anniversary I told my Girlfriend (then 18) that I was Gender confused. She responded by throwing a bottle of Vodka at me and running into the ocean that I had to save her from.  First reactions are often confusing and over dramatic for those who have not had to question gender, but with help and communication it can turn out to be a wonderful thing. I now, after being together for 8 years ( only 1 on HRT/having any direction) have also realised that through being true to myself that I am bisexual. Bottling that up and then telling that to my other half was like Valium. I only say this because I resented myself and withdrew myself for things I felt were wrong with me for so long that it damaged/delayed progression in our relationship for nothing.  Reactions aren't always positive - I was rejected by my family, but I feel better now, true with myself and knowing that the people who matter to me know me accept me as I am. This the only way I would have it.


Best of luck JinJan and I hope your partner is/will learn to be understanding!!  Lots of fun could be had you never know.........

Love.