Dysphoria Help

[kathy bottoms]

Just looking for what other people think of my quandry.  I'm not sure if I am going to respond to every comment.  Or any comment.  But I want to see what people have to say. 

I know I've been dysphoric all my life, and have moved in-and-out of a feminine side often enough to be comfortable while still hidden within society norms.  When alone, this included wearing clothes, and accepting myself for who I was.  However, I did get married, and after some incidents with my wife long agop, I could no longer routinely wear the clothes or express the being that was inside.  And yet I still very much desire to bring those pieces of "Kathy" back.

About 20 years ago my wife found some of my underwear and at first thought I was having an affair or something.  After explaining my life-long desire to be feminine, and wear bras, camies, heels, and skirts she didn't talk to me for a week.  I then tried a little to bring my female side out, and into our relationship, but it was a dismal failure after 3 or 4 months.  As a result I elliminated everything that was the woman in me.  My clothes and makeup were in the garbage, hair was shortened, grew a long beard, and removed my piercings.  With the change in our relationship, and the changes I made to save our marriage I felt my losses were nothing when compared to my life long family commitments.  I gave the name Kathy to the person that I threw away because it was a name I always liked, and this Kathy person could be expendable.  After all, I love my wife and children more than ......... Kathy.

Today my wife and I are still together, and at least that part of the commitment worked.  Until recently I had mourned the loss of my inner female companion (Kathy) as if she were dead.  But when contemplating problems with my sexual self or life in general I could still ask questions of her spirit.  But as life developes and an ugly aged maturety settles in, a spark to fulfill the soul will sometimes renew a fire.   For me it started with health issues and the side effects from medications.  I began to develope gynecomastia and that was the spark in my soul.  The side effects were avoidable by stopping the medication, and I asked my doctor if it was a serious issue.  She said that another medication could be prescribed but the condition was not a medical problem if it did not bother me.  And it absolutely didn't bother me.  I guess I agreeid to accept this as part of my life dysphoria, and to moved on to more. 

But now I am at a cross road.  Should I move to take Kathy back completely?  Have I made just another mistake that will damage my family?  It is a problem, and I already made the mistake of taking some estrogen that should have been avoided.  And it is so difficult to not just go in and take more.  But, I am holding off for now, and waiting to see the doctor again. 

Oh, I didn't proof read.

[Kelly J. P.]

 Being the selfish person I am, I would have tried to be myself from the very start, and if somehow that was impossible... then I would try to transition as soon as it became possible.

I'm not a self-sacrificing hero(ine); this is my life, and I don't see the sense in throwing it away to save others from hurt. People get over hurts, it happens all the time - a few hundred tears really pale in comparison to a person who dies without being truly happy, and whose life was laid down (only) for the sake of others.

I could not help but to be Kelly, at the expense of whatever or whoever was in the way of that. I can only say that I'm thankful that very little stood in my way when I told it all to move... and most of it moved with me.

You have to do what you feel is best, in the end. If you really are strong enough to be male until the end of your days... then you are a fantastic person, far beyond anyone I will likely ever know (or deserve to know). I am not that person, and could never be, because my logic would be that if I were to transition, and if my partner wasn't supportive... then they clearly didn't love me as much as I would have to love them in order to not transition. I would feel betrayed if they didn't want me to transition - though, I would probably understand where they're coming from.

Taking back Kathy is something that you might not be able to do without creating a rift in your family... but at the very least, you might want to at least talk about it, even if only a little. Perhaps some peace can be found with that...

[Edge]

I've got to admit, I agree with Kelly. I've tried hiding myself to be accepted by people who obviously didn't like me anyway since they couldn't accept me as I am. It didn't work and I was miserable. Right now, it's one of my boundaries. Accept me as I am or don't, I'm still going to be me. Not to mention that teaches my son that it's ok for him to be himself as well.

[JulieC.]

I don't think you can suppress Kathy.  She will always be there and will always come back from the "dead".  If your wife could not accept her before then I doubt she will be able to accept her now but people do change and grow.  Their opinions and the way they view the world changes with time.  She has had 20 years of experiences and knowledge she didn't have then.  You might see how she feels about it now. She may be more open minded about it now.   As far as what you want your future to be and who you would like to become, only you can answer that. 

[Sephirah]

What your decision should be, I can't really say, because from what you say I'm not sure how far you want to take it. And what, exactly, you mean by "Take Kathy back completely". Like... is it a need to express your feminine side in the way you appear and present yourself, or a full blown need to transition? Because the two can be very different things.

What I will say, however, is that trying to suppress something very rarely works. The mind doesn't understand negative concepts. If you tell yourself not to think of something, the mind first has to think about it so it knows what not to think about. And by then it's too late. From the tone of your post, it seems that Kathy never left. At least not completely. Which suggests, in turn, that you found things in your life to which you assigned a higher priority. And these things distracted you from this part of yourself. So rather than telling yourself not to think of your female persona, you allowed yourself to think of your relationship with your family and that's where your focus was.

Perhaps a good start is to re-assess what you consider to be important to you, what you consider your priorities to be. Unfortunately, either course of action will likely have consequences which may be difficult for you. Either in your unhappiness, or that of your wife and/or children if she/they still feel the same now as then. Have you thought about talking to them about this? To ascertain where their feelings lie? Perhaps a compromise can be reached, something you can all get behind, if you include them from the outset and talk about your thoughts and feelings, rather than jumping in two-footed and thinking "to hell with it."

If not, then at least you will know how they feel, and how you feel. Which may give you a clearer idea how to proceed without any misunderstanding.

[kathy bottoms]

Thank you all.  As you can tell, I'm on my way to being confounded and confused, but still with a smile.

For Kelly J.P. :  The family would actually say "go ahead", wtihout a betrayal of trust.  But they would also say "you're doing this on your own".   And by the way, I'm glad that you're charging attitude and strengh equals success. 

For Edge:  My sons have never been cool just to fit in.  Personal differences don't bother them, and although apathetic, they would never maliciously turn on me.  My wife would likely feel lost and alone, and since I feel that way now, I can't burden her.   

For Julie C.:  My wife has changed a bit over 20 years.  She is more accepting of people who are also accepting.  After all, she now deals with and supports our gay relatives to the point of advising them to move on to a better life.  I also now fill the roll of home-maker since my time is available, and that has definitely changed our relationship.  It's funny.

For Sephirah:  You're right.  Both courses are difficult, and in fact I fear choosing Kathy is probably mentally tortuous.  I wonder if I'm I up to the task, and is it worth the family disruption.