unsure of gender?

[grelliot]

I'm not sure about anything. I mean, I know people have doubts but I just worry a lot about this. My assigned birth sex was female and I never exhibited any tendency towards 'maleness' as a child, but recently (a year ago) I've been leaning more towards masculinity. I really discovered what it meant to be transgender on the internet and then I thought I was just genderqueer with a tendency towards maleness, since I'd always found myself unattractive. Dressing femininely was always kind of okay, or even nice if I did it well and I still like it well enough now, with little depression as a result. I've started dressing masculinely and have my hair cut short, and I just don't do anything feminine anymore (shaving, eyebrows, etc) but sometimes I like how I look and others I don't. I feel so much better when I bind and I wish I could have a flat chest but I'm big, so yeah. I don't loathe my lower parts but I'm not particularly proud of them and am afraid of even the idea of seeing a gynecologist or discussing health regarding that area.

I came out to my mom, sister, and GSA but it's still weird to hear 'he' or 'him'. I don't loathe 'she' or 'her' but if I'm in a bad mood it's enough to ruin my day if I'm called that.

Anyway, I don't know. I'm doubting a lot of things. I thought maybe it could be nice to talk to people who know more and maybe even could help me figure it out.

Edit: I guess I'm just confused because normally it makes me really happy to finally be allowed to shop in the men's section and be treated like a guy but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm in over my head. I mean, it'd be so much easier to just try to be a girl and I wonder if I should listen to these doubts when I'm sad and lonely. I like how I look now, for the most part, but still. I worry a lot, like all the time a lot.

[spacial]

OK, I was assigned male at birth, but my experiences and hopefully conclusions, which I know correlate to others here, both MtF and FtM, should be useful to you.

Firstly, I want to say , it isn't my place, nor anyone else's to tell you if you have a gender identity situation or the nature of it. This, fortunately, is one of those matters we each must deal with ourselves. As frustrating as that sounds it can be.

I knew at 4 years, something was very wrong. It wasn't clothes as such, and at that age, was certainly not sex. The first I realised was that I simply preferred playing with girls.

Now I make that point to suggest that understanding your gender issues are not necessarily a matter of clothes or sex. We know that some people do indeed express themselves best through their dress and their sexuality.

The next major point I recall was a few years later, still before sexual awakening, when I did indeed try to give myself at least, the impression that I had the hair and the middle of girls. I recall this because I was caught by very confused parents.

Something else I've discovered here on Susans' is that for many, but not all FtMs, their awareness, full awareness at least, seems to happen a lot later than for MtFs like me. The evidence is very shakey and questionable. As you will understand, it's almost impossible to do any scientifically meaningful research on the net. Most members here are very positive and focused, but most of us are still developing our self awareness. few can be entirely certain of our own realities, let alone such a monumental notion such as women being stuck in men's bodies and visa versa.

But it does make a lot more sense when we remember that, even though we, each of us, may be incredibly uncomfortable with our assigned genders, we are what we are, transgender. First and foremost.

I hope this is of some help. I apologise if it seems to be talking over you rather. It isn't my intention.

[auburnAubrey]

Well, hello, and welcome to the boards.  My first suggestion, while not discounting anything on these boards, is to seek help from a professional that deals in gender issues.  Everyone here has a different story, and no two transition situations are the same.  I think it's important to realize that when dealing with gender, and gender dysphoria, there is no "black and white".  In fact, there are a lot of issues that overlap... in other words, some transgendered issues and effects are present in non transgendered people, and vice versa.

Without getting too involved in it, I am one of those people, which has actually delayed my transition.  Lots of sorting, lots of other stuff.  And as I talked with my therapist today, we both agreed that while transition is necessary for me on my path at this time, there is still work that remains after, and transition is only one step in getting to the bottom of my relation to "self".

I exhibit both strong transgendered (and female) tendencies, and also strong biological male tendencies.  Which is cool...... because this is my path and no one elses, and my lessons are for me and me alone.

I guess the point is, is that you can experience gender in many ways.  Transition is one way, but not the only way.  And it does not have to be MALE or FEMALE, if that's not where your path lies.

So again, as much as many of us have the same stories, and similar situations, our life story is unique to ourselves.  So if you haven't yet, reach out to someone who deals with gender issues, and start to work through some of these things.  You don't have to give it a name yet.  Just be who you feel like being, and go forward with uncovering what it is in you that causes your confusion.  If transition is for you, great, if not, great.  But you will find your way.  This question will not be answered by tomorrow!  Take time to learn about your story with help from a professional that deals with gender issues.

You are not alone!  Good luck on your journey.  It's an amazing insight to self discovery.