Boyfriend is MTF

[JordanJuicebox]

To start off, I'm twenty years old and a cis female. I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years, and even though we're both young, I can't imagine my life without him. Recently, my boyfriend came out to me as MTF. (I refer to him with male pronouns just out of habit/convenience and not out of intended disrespect.) I can't say I was really that shocked, he's always been really feminine. I still love him just as much, and don't plan to leave because of this. However, I still have some worries of course... My biggest fear is that once he starts to take hormones eventually, his sexual orientation will change. (I've heard of this happening, but I'm not positive it can happen, so I'm sorry if I'm misinformed.) I'm also worried about having kids in the future, and if that's even a possibility now, and getting married.. It's a lot to think about.
Right now my boyfriend is only out to me and living as a male, so I cant talk to anyone about all of these comfused feelings. So thanks to anyone who took the time to read this!

[Jennifer.L]

No worries sweety, HTR will make him more open emotionally, but that only changes thing if like me you had a borderline interest in boys but you where fighting it.  But he will still care for you, that won't change.  /hugs.  don't worry about that.  Chat else is jumbled up in your head hun?  It has to be a land slide and jsut sorting one question out is tricky.  Mostly your jsut thinking WTF right?  Un Kids are easy enough but have him go to a sperm bank before HRT.  Kick her in the butt about that one if you have to.  And marrying is not big as long as she hasn't gone in for SRS yet when you decide to do it.

[KollaredKittie]

First off, you are a total sweetheart for being so supportive!:)  And don't worry honey, I remember what it was like back in the beginning... I was a little nervous, myself. And I wasn't quite sure what to expect. A sperm bank is an option if you are worried about not being able to have children, and of course adoption is an option as well. As far as sexual orientation, I believe that is unique to everyone who does HRT. Personally, my wife remained attracted to women only. It's different for everyone though. I think it has a lot to do with if they were already curious about being with a boy. Also it's said that sex drive will become very very low and for us, that wasn't the case either. My wife and I were married after she started HRT, and it was spectacular!  Oh, and pronouns take time. That was the biggest thing for me to get used to. When the wrong ones slip, don't beat yourself up about it. It will all fall into place. What other concerns do you have?

[justmeinoz]

As the previous posters have said, you are a gem for staying with the one you love. 

I went through a period prior to working out my gender ID when I thought I might have been Bi, and had a couple of experiences with guys, but once I realised I was trans, saw that it was just confusing sexuality and gender.  Once I started transition, even prior to HRT, I realised men had no attraction for me whatsoever. HRT hasn't changed that at all.
If your girl has already worked that out, then I'd suggest there is very little chance she will show any interest in men.
If you slip up on a pronoun or whatever, just a quick "sorry hun", is enough.  It will fall into place soon enough. 
Again, your support is truly wonderful.

Karen.

[Jeneva]

Thank you for supporting your SO.

As several people have said many of us don't "change" orientation.

Children can be via her banking sperm now, adoption, or even anonymous donors.

Marriage is still a possibility if you both are ready for the commitment.  Being able to change birth certificates takes a long time and in some states isn't possible at all.  Until that birth certificate is changed then you should be fine, although you'll likely have to find a LGBT friendly person to officiate.  Even after it is changed you can still get married in some places and if you are in the US, I suspect DOMA isn't long for the world.

The important thing is that you both talk clearly and honestly about your goals.  She needs to go at a pace you are comfortable with if she wants you to come along with her.  NO SECRETS, put it all out there on the table for each other to see.  It is HARD, but you can do it. 

Good luck, and remember that we are all rooting for you.

[Nikki59s~Girl]

Hello I actually had the same questions when I first met my wife. I married an MTF back in March so yes it is possible to get married and legal if they are in guy mode and still have their birth name and sex. 2ND I used to always ask myself will she like guys? I find that she is very happy with me. 3rd you are in the right place! My wife letting me sign up for Susan's was a very smart move! Everybody on here is very supportive and give great advice! People on Susan's are my 2ND family!

[JordanJuicebox]

Thank you all so much! My absolute biggest fear was that she would stop being sexually attracted to me, and then her love for me would fade away also. Of course I want her to be happy, but I'd really like if she stays happy with me! You all have helped me so much and I couldn't be more thankful. 

[Seratonie]

I'm so glad to find this thread because I'm in the same boat as an SO.

Hope this question is not prurient or disrespectful: I've found a few references to trans women on HRT who have not had bottom surgery eventually losing their ability to maintain erections. It seems like this happens in cases where she already felt very uncomfortable with that part of her biological body before HRT, and that it's fairly rare.

I am asking because I am staying with my trans woman partner, she plans to start HRT, and I want to be realistic (prepared and informed) about what is likely and what is not. I understand that everyone's experience is different and no one can give me any guarantees.

[MyKa]

You are AWESOME!!!!!!!

[TheHootersShow]

My boyfriend became an MtF too. Of course, it was a year after we broke up. In 2009, I had held on hope getting back with him. I honestly thought it was a phase. He was fairly effeminate as a male, but so were all the other boys in our group. It's just who we were.

Last I heard, she had it better now than ever before. Of course, I met her at her old job last year. The attitude and arrogance is still there. But "softened". I don't think a lot changed beyond her appearance. She still loves J.Lo, Britney, etc.. She still enjoys going to the same places we used to hang out. She still loves going shopping with the girls.

[GypsySoul]

I'm so glad to find this thread because I'm in the same boat as an SO.

Hope this question is not prurient or disrespectful: I've found a few references to trans women on HRT who have not had bottom surgery eventually losing their ability to maintain erections. It seems like this happens in cases where she already felt very uncomfortable with that part of her biological body before HRT, and that it's fairly rare.

I am asking because I am staying with my trans woman partner, she plans to start HRT, and I want to be realistic (prepared and informed) about what is likely and what is not. I understand that everyone's experience is different and no one can give me any guarantees.

This was one of my fears as well, My loves therapist (my love is MTF) said that this change usually takes years... BUT that if the interest occurs that medications such as Viagra are quite helpful. I cant give personal experiences for this as my love has only been on Hormones for about 3 weeks but I would bet that if you start your own thread there would be quite a few people willing to give you an honest image about what to expect.

[GypsySoul]

(I refer to him with male pronouns just out of habit/convenience and not out of intended disrespect.) I can't say I was really that shocked, he's always been really feminine. I still love him just as much, and don't plan to leave because of this. However, I still have some worries of course... My biggest fear is that once he starts to take hormones eventually, his sexual orientation will change. (I've heard of this happening, but I'm not positive it can happen, so I'm sorry if I'm misinformed.) I'm also worried about having kids in the future, and if that's even a possibility now, and getting married.. It's a lot to think about.
Right now my boyfriend is only out to me and living as a male, so I cant talk to anyone about all of these comfused feelings. So thanks to anyone who took the time to read this!

Firstly, as bad as I feel about it sometimes, I do the same with pronouns... I find it very difficult to refer to Claire as 'she, her' when she is sporting a five-o-clock-shadow... (hopes that Laser happens soon so I can get it straight lol)

Secondly, From what I have read, seen, and spoken to my therapist about, it is not likely that your lovers interests will change. However, if, before starting HRT your love was interested in men then there is a chance that these interests will strengthen. (not trying to scare you at all but I feel it is best to give an honest answer to these kinds of questions as opposed to saying what one wants to hear lol) My therapist (who is also my loves therapist) is one of the top trans-therapists on the coast, and he assures me that so long as my love had no interest before, there is likely to be no interest after.

Thirdly, There is always a way to have children, be it IVF, Adoption, Surrogacy or whatnot... I strongly suggest you talk to your partner about your desire to have a child. Make sure you are on the same page with the idea and go from there... If you both want kids but arent quite ready (and assuming he either hasn't started or has very recently started HRT) then perhaps "freezing his sperm" is the best option for you. There is no reason being trans should stop you from completing your family.
(personal opinion^^)

[KollaredKittie]

Trying to be as tactful as possible with this... My wife and I have only experienced "issues" when her hormones fluctuate. Or, if she feels more masculine one day, she might have problems. But other than that, she has said that she remains attracted to me and everything is working just fine. She has been on HRT for over a year and so far, so good. I find that telling her how beautiful and sexy she is when we are together, makes her feel wonderful! It gives her reassurance about her body and makes her feel like a woman. I know that I love hearing that kind of thing too, all women do. She also harbors fears of me (since I am more of a straight, but not narrow kind of girl) not being attracted to her female body. I keep telling her that I am ridiculously attracted to her but you know how insecurities can get the best of us sometimes. The key is making her feel as comfortable and beautiful and wanted as possible. Don't forget that psychological can affect biological... severely.  That's just my two cents.

[Eve87]

Sexual orientation changes on HRT can happen but are more complicated than just HRT. The dynamics of a relationship change as well - and trans women who weren't open to a male-male relationship pre-transition for whatever reason might be open to male-female. I personally went from being only interested in women to being still interested in women but also everyone else. I suppose that'd make me pansexual. Could be that the exposure to the gay & queer communities as well as gender theory kinda makes it easier to "not care" about a person's sex or gender. Or maybe I have always had some dormant bisexuality in me but I genuinely had no interest in boys whatsoever all my life until about a year into transition. I dare not say it's HRT though. If it was HRT crazy people would be curing homosexualilty with sex hormones, right? Doesn't work that way.
I've personally never met a trans person who "lost" their attraction to a particular gender or sex - only gained new ones.

Children are quite possible through cryopreservation as mentioned. Has to be done pre-HRT though. I went in after a month of estrogen and it was not happening. At all. Had to stop for a while and resume HRT afterwards.

About "functionality". I'm of the trans variety who's waiting on SRS and doesn't let *anyone* below the belt, so I see not functioning as a blessing until then. As with most HRT-related things, results seem to vary wildly. But if it is a concern, HRT can be fine-tuned to keep libido intact. And there are other meds to help.

Marriage might be tougher. Depends on how you go about the documents I suppose if your place of residence still discriminates.

[silvershadow17]

Hi there,
I'm the same age as you and have had the same experience. I had known my 'boyfriend" as a guy for 14 months before she came to me and told me she wanted to change her gender to female.  I knew she was always feminine,but I loved that about her. It never occured to me she was a girl.  I was beyond shocked, and we actually broke up for 3 1/2 months.  I spend those months coming to grips with everything, attending transgender support groups, making friends on Susan's Place, and learning and growing as a person.  We did get back together. I had to transition myself and realize that I already loved her, and I didn't want to lose the person that I loved so very much over this.

I share the same fears as you do.  My partner is bi-sexual, and she has had relationships with men in the past, and she has had relationships with woman as well including a four year long one.  I worry about her starting her hormone therapy too and how it will affect her interest in me. I think that it's a reasonable fear, but I wouldn't stress yourself out worrying about it.  Just take one day at a time.  She loves you because she shared this with you.  You obviously love her too, and with love anything is possible. Keep faith in your love, and walk this road together.  They is much to learn about yourselves and about each other.  Transition is a process for both of you.