SO of FTM needing advice from FTMs PLEASE HELP

[christinesansan]

Let me first put a disclaimer here stating that I did in fact post this on the transgendered thread as well, I hope y'all don't mind, I just am trying to get as much help as I can with this...


Hello FTM community, thank you for stopping by to read this. I am the fiancé of an FTM who is pre op and 3 yrs (almost 4 yrs) on testosterone. I love my fiancé very much and this is something we have talked extensively about, but we are both so emotionally invested in everything that sometimes its hard to articulate to each other and understand certain things.

I need your help to better understand my situation.

Let me start out my telling you our background. I met my fiancé last year, I knew when I met him that he was FTM and did not mind one way or the other. Naked or clothed, I've only ever seen him as a man. It took a long time to help him be comfortable with the fact that he was not a fetish to me, that had he been born bio male I would still be as attracted to him and love him all the same. (My motto is "I fall for hearts, not body parts". The problem in our relationship now is that, I am actually more accepting of him as being male than he is of himself. He feels inadequate because he doesn't have the same body that a bio male does. We have talked about it before, and come a long way. But things have flared up again.

Our sex life is amazing. I get him off easily and he gets me off easily. But it's recently sprung up that it's hard for him to accept that everything he currently has is enough to satisfy me. That he is the only guy to make me feel as wonderful as he makes me feel in bed.

Last month I found out that he began watching porn again. Which isn't a big deal in itself, but because months ago when I found out it hurt me profusely (i don't know why, I feel inferior to the women in porn) and he explained to me at the time that its just the visual of the mans penis and the masculinity in it, that speaks to him, that it has nothing to do with the girl, and so much so that he's even watched gay porn simply because the masculinity in it is more apparent physically.

It was hard but I told him that I wanted to work on it as a couple if it was something that helped him, but he refused and promised he didn't need it and wouldn't watch it. I begged him over and over not to promise. Telling him that if he wanted to watch it alone that gay porn was fine and didn't bother me. But he still refused and promised.

Well, he broke that promise several times over and then hid it and lied to me. By watching gay porn, bi porn and straight porn.

Now he says his reason is that he watched it when he feels inadequate and that its somehow reaffirming to him.That he watched it because he doesn't have the same equipment as the man, and someone it helped him with his dismorphia. I don't understand that. And he trys to explain but he can't. He says its not the girls in the porn, that he doesn't do it for sexual gratification, that he doesn't think about what he saw on the porn during sex with me in order to help sex be better, that it's not like that. But it's so hard for me to understand, and I'm trying so hard.  I asked him why the porn can validate that and I can't and he said that he never feels more validated than when he's with me. But if that's the case,and if everything else is true,  then I don't understand why he turned to porn.

I need to know if any of you out there can see things from his point of view. If so, can you please please help me understand. I love him so much, and it kills me that he feels inadequate, because he is everything I want and need and even more than that, and I can't help him see himself like as complete of a man as I see him.

Thank you so much for reading this <3 Christine

[Adio]

I apologize that I don't have time to write a longer or more in depth reply, but I'm getting ready to leave on a weekend trip.

Perhaps he watches porn to visualize himself as the male participant (in the video/pictures).  Not having sex with the other person, but kind of as a representation of himself or how he wants to be.  Hmm...trying to figure out how to word it.  Like he identifies with the male and watches the porn to put himself in that body, role, etc.  Once again, it's more about seeing someone with the "right" parts than wanting to have sex with or masturbating to someone that isn't you.

Does that make any sense?  To me it sounds a little like someone  who plays an online role-playing game and makes the character how they wish they were.  It's not sexual (necessarily), it's just seeing/playing a more desirable representation of yourself.  Not trying to trivialize your situation, just trying to give a more common example.

[christinesansan]

That makes sense to me, but if it's only about the equipment, and has nothing to do with having sex with the other person, then why not watch masterbation? Like.. if you're touching yourself, and picturing yourself as the person in the porn, then wouldn't it be more effect to watch solo porn then? If it isn't about the sex?


Thank you so much for writing!

[Nemo]

It might be that he's trying to visualise how he'd want to make love to you, and wishing he could do it the way the guys in the videos do it (bit like window shopping; wanting to buy that nice item but you can't). So no, solo porn isn't going to help.

Personal question: Do you use strap-ons? If not, it might be an idea for him to try that, might help with his dysphoria and get him away from porn.

[christinesansan]

We do. When he wants to. I don't need it to be satisfied, but visually if he wants it we use it.

That's another part of why i don't understand the whole visual reference to sex thing

He can look down with a strap on and see it penetrating me, and thats closer to being his, he's the one doing the work after all, than the guy in porn is. So that's another confusing concept to me.

[Natkat]

Porn is pretty normal for any guys, and dosen't nessesary have to be anything negative.
But I feel it for you the issue is that you say he lies and are breaking promise.

I think he might be strugling with some issues, but it seams unfair for you to try help him if your not even sure about when he is telling the trust and not, or when he is going to keep a promis or not.

if its really bad
maybe you should find someone ells he can talk to, a psycologist or someone.

[Kreuzfidel]

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time - I agree that honesty is the best policy regardless of "hows" and "whys".  That being said, both my mother and sister have had huge fights with their cismale partners because they were hiding porn and making excuses for why they watched it - so just to illustrate that it's common.  I can identify with the notion of "envisioning myself as the male" in porn - I do so and imagine it's with my wife, same way when I get off solo I imagine making love to her with a real cock.  Sometimes my strapon can make me dysphoric if I see the harness, but I still get off seeing "myself" penetrate her.  Porn gets me off, real sex with my wife gets me off, wanking whilst imagining gets me off - nothing trumps being with my wife for real, though.  I don't understand why he's lying about things or hiding unless he just can't overcome his embarrassment. Then again, he may be telling the truth about why he watches it.

[poptart]

I do the same thing with porn. It makes sense to me but it's hard to fully explain a certain phenomenon when you're inside it. I understand it because I experience it but explaining it to other people requires a perspective which is not biased by personal experience. So, I can't really help you there but I can tell you he's not making it up.

There's not much you can do to make him feel adequate besides accept him which you've already done. The rest is beyond your or his control. I mean, there's nothing anyone could say or do to make me feel complete with the parts I have now, besides medical intervention, because it's not who I am. It tortures me every second I am not high or asleep, and nothing will change this.

I also don't understand why you care so much about the porn he watches. It's not cheating and it says nothing about how he feels about you.

[Nygeel]

I feel like there are some things people feel like they need to figure out sort of on their own. I know with my own sexuality (slowly evolving and figuring it out) if I was in a long term relationship while going through some change it would be difficult for me to explain myself, or figure out what I want. He might be going through something similar, I really can't tell.

For myself, using a "strap on" and having sex that way doesn't give me the same psychological feeling as watching porn, and certainly doesn't give me the same sort of stimulation. It's hard for me to explain how I feel with this, but...watching porn you can see the physical changes that come through sex in a person where as you might not see that with your own bits. It's also much less direct. There's the lack of attachment which allows me to enjoy things easier.

I also feel like...sometimes porn is for something new or different. Like I might be afraid to try something or suggest something to my partner, but watching it happen is nice.

I think overall there are a few different options of what to do...you can give him space and let him figure out what he needs that you cannot directly provide. You could try to work on things together, maybe look something up that you enjoy and show him, or watch things together. Oooooor there's couples therapy/sex therapy.

[Ayden]

Well, not sure I can help since I don't really watch porn and I am gay and enjoy catching if its not in the front hole.  My doctor told me (she isn't that experienced with FTMs, mostly MTFs) that being on T would make me more inclined to watch porn, but it actually doesn't do much for me. I tried, but I usually just want to run off and attack my husband because I get bored easily. And frankly, that whole "T will make you do this" is silly. But, what I can say is this: I do like to look at pictures of biomales and I like to imagine how it would feel to have that body. Even if it is a nude, which I do look at for the visual appeal, I don't have any desire for the man in the picture. Its more like an inspiration picture.

The only thing I can think to equate it to was when my friend was actively eating disordered. (I say actively, because I believe it a life long struggle). She had a collection of photos that were her inspiration photos. It always bothered me that she had a collection of pictures of emaciated people, but it was her way of dealing with things. I looked at pictures of bio guys and later of some FTMs like Loren Cameron because it helped me not hurt myself. I used to cut my chest a lot, and I have several scars underneath from when I was younger. Looking at those pictures actually helped me deal with my disphoria.

Not sure of any advice I can give, but I will think on it and come back.

[Felix]

There are a lot of reasons he could be watching the porn. The simplest reason is that it's fun and primal, but you could take what he says at face value and assume he is trying to figure himself out.

[insideontheoutside]

You can't make another person okay with themselves. I've had girls in the past tell me that my body was fine, that I turned them on, that I got them off, etc. etc. But that didn't change the fact that I hated my body. I'd never have that perfect, fully functional penis. I'd never be able to have sex like a normal male could. It was very black and white in my head and simply that I thought I couldn't even enjoy myself because it would never be exactly like I wanted. I ended up ruining every relationship I had in the past because I didn't even want to have any sort of sex after awhile. You mention you two have sex and you both get off so he must be better off than I was at least.

I know a lot of partners (both male and female) get upset when they find out their partner is watching porn. It can make someone feel like they're inadequate or that they're not good enough so their partner is going elsewhere (almost like cheating). There's such a taboo on porn that keeping it a secret is a natural reaction too. Especially when a lot of times the partner who's not watching the porn but finds out about it gets totally upset. Why not watch it together?

That the story keeps changing when he's confronted with they "why" of the porn might be because his reasons really are changing or that he can't bring himself to say the real reason (maybe he's embarrassed or something). Guys often put themselves in the place of the guy in the porn - imagining what they're doing, etc. So that's not unusual at all.

As for a way you can help him? Just being as accepting as you are is great, but have some sit-down talks with him too about what he'd like sexually or what's really bothering him. Be open and honest about that. Maybe he would really like bottom surgery or something? Or a better dildo? It could be anything but you won't be able to change him at all. He has to sort through whatever it is himself and on his own terms. My advice would be to suggest a new perspective on it all. See if there's any way he can look at the situation and be comfortable with himself.

[fatalerror]

You've gotten a lot of good responses already, but just to throw it out there, my cisgendered girlfriend also watches porn on a regular basis and she doesn't have gender issues at all. It made me feel really down until I realized that she's not getting off on imagining participating with the people in the videos. I told her exactly what I was feeling - which is what you've pointed out too, that you feel inferior to the stars in porn - and she told me that she would never compare me to porn, and never even thinks of having sex with those people. When she looks at it, she thinks of me. I think this is true of a lot of porn fans - for some it works, for others, like me, I have a hard time understanding the need for it. But I hope that you won't let it get you down or feel insecure because he's looking at it, it certainly doesn't have to mean he's looking at it for the "hot bodies" that are typical of porn.

I agree with other posts here that he likely does it for the reasons he states - that he feels inadequate and he's connected to seeing cisgendered males who are able to have sex the way he imagines himself. It's something that he may always have to battle with, a lot of us do, and having a partner who is so supportive and loves us as we are makes a huge difference, so kudos to you for being that kind of partner. But no matter the outside affection he receives, he may still hurt and feel inadequate to himself even if you are happy with everything. A person's gender and sex issues follow them beyond their relationship, and while having a healthy, happy relationship goes a long way (I am grateful to my girlfriend every day for that), there are still problems we have to face over our own feelings towards our bodies. You've gotten some great advice, and I think from my view, it's great to continue to be supportive and communicative with him and to also allow him to vent some of his inner frustration through the porn without letting it bring you down, as long as it doesn't become an obsession for him, it may help him.