Advice would be greatly appreciated

[Edge]

As is probably obvious, I'm having a bit a hard time with this whole gender thing. I could really use the help of a therapist who is aware of and respectful of the kind of issues I have. Unfortunately, I can't afford one. Also, I doubt there are any in my city.
(Female me and male me are the same person. I just differentiating between the two genders because it's easier to explain that way.)
Male me doesn't like the fact that I am also female because it makes me feel like less of a male (less valid). Female me is also confused because I'm terrified of not being valid.
Male me doesn't like having a female body especially because I cannot pass as male (read as female every time). But I know that, if I were to transition, female me would miss having a female body.
On top of all that, I'm otherkin and I have spent years hating myself for it because I can't possibly exist and being terrified of being insane. (I'm not in this case. I got checked out by a few professionals. I'm not sure I believe them, but...)
I'm very fluid, not just in gender, but in general. I could figure out who I am by the end of each day and wake up the next needing to start all over again. I wish I could stay still or find some way to adjust right away. I mean, I know who I am it's just that there's so much of me that only some can be at the forefront at a time. I'm not trying to be special. This is just the way I am.
Part of the problem is that I have spent my whole life being told (and continuing to be told) that I have to fit into either/or and I can't. I've also been told that my understanding of myself can't be real. I "should" be this, I "should" think that, etc. I don't want to believe these things. I want to be able to stop doing this to myself. But I don't know how. (Sorry if I sound emo or victimized. I'm not. I'm just trying to deal with my problems and I don't know how atm.)
Any advice is greatly appreciated. (Except "should" statements.)

[Anthropos]

I think when anyone is observant both of themselves and others, one sees that everyone is constantly changing. It's just that people try so hard to be what their labels describe them as that they try to force themselves into a neat little box. For those like you and me who are gender fluid, it's exhausting because for us something as elemental to identity as gender is constantly changing. More than any other label, transistioning back and forth from masculine to androgynous to feminine is exhausting because the expectations of those respective parts of the gender spectrum entail such radically different norms. I guess this isn't so much advice as me articulating my experience that perhaps may help you better understand your own.

[Jamie D]

"This is just the way I am."

I have spent years trying to define and accept myself. I have found I am more accepting when I am less defining.

[Edge]

Huh. You'd think if everyone was as complicated, they'd stop telling me to "keep things simple" and wouldn't get mad at me so much.
Thanks for telling me it's ok and valid, Casey.

[Sephirah]

Huh. You'd think if everyone was as complicated, they'd stop telling me to "keep things simple" and wouldn't get mad at me so much.

Maybe some folks are just afraid that they'll have to examine themselves. Sometimes what we see in ourselves is reflected off of others, subconsciously we use them as a mirror into our own psyche. By admitting to complexity within others, it unlocks a part of us that faces it within ourselves. Maybe some people just aren't ready for that, hon.

That others choose to live their lives in black and white doesn't mean you can't live yours in colour.

[Edge]

I agree. I very much want to live mine "in colour" as you say. It's just difficult getting those other people's opinions out my head.
It would be very helpful if I could have an easier time seeing which colours are dominant at any given time though. I'm trying to decide if I should wear a binder today, but I can't tell what gender I am atm. Male me will be upset if get it wrong (I know from personal experience). lol

[Sephirah]

I agree. I very much want to live mine "in colour" as you say. It's just difficult getting those other people's opinions out my head.
It would be very helpful if I could have an easier time seeing which colours are dominant at any given time though. I'm trying to decide if I should wear a binder today, but I can't tell what gender I am atm. Male me will be upset if get it wrong (I know from personal experience). lol

I know all too well how difficult it can be getting other people's views out of one's mind, hon. One way I do it is to try to realise that rather than the voice of others, it's actually one's own mental voice echoing things it has assimilated. And in that, I just tell myself that since it's my mental voice, I get to tell it what to say.

As for telling which gender you are today... well, rather than what you're thinking about at the moment, how do you feel?

[SourCandy]

Hm, If you don't mind the probably horrible pun filled advice, I read your problem as a conflict, You may feel very fluid, but the problem is that there are walls that is preventing the fluidity of your soul from reaching happiness. Conflict between what you see as your two sides makes your fluid more like rapids and your fear of feeling in-valid for how you approach your life is a dam, which has been built by others trying to dictate how you should feel.

Now let me move away from the water puns into nerdom, x3 There is nothing wrong with being a Red Mage, You are much more than flexible than black or white mages (and can carry a bloody sword), but you just have to accept you can never be proficient in a specific school of magic. However life needs people who fall between the cracks of specialization because they can pinch heal when the White Mage goes down ;3

Silly yes, but what I'm saying is that you can't be perfect, being who you are means that you have to accept things that try to contradict how you feel, and that life is about embracing who you are in spite of the nagging doubts that eat at your heels. Because those doubts will be there regardless of the life you choose.

Sorry if this was unhelpful x3 I hope you find your answer *huggles*

[Edge]

As for telling which gender you are today... well, rather than what you're thinking about at the moment, how do you feel?

Today? Like I would feel at home with the Addams family (changeable). Like a sentient mass of chaos that's been stuffed into one shape. Tired. Thirsty.

Although the reference to Red Mages made me giggle, I very strongly reject being like one. When I think "jack of all trades, master of none," I think "master of none," the guy who's pretty much useless, not valid. That's fine for people who like that sort of thing, but I hate that idea with a passion. It's just not me.
The water pun was pretty spot on though.

[Edge]

You misunderstand me. I'm not trying to break up the colours. I'm trying to make them happy which is difficult because they are different colours and different things make them happy. I'm also trying to be happy with having them when I've been told (and continue to be told) that I can't have them all and be real. I don't know how to do that.
Does that clarify things or am I not making sense again?

[patstar]

It's one thing when it's other people making you unhappy.  That's comparatively easy to deal with.  It's profoundly different when one troubles are almost entirely (if not, indeed, entirely) self-generated and contained.  In the latter case one can spend nearly a lifetime fighting, and in effect losing such an internalized battle—as I realize that I have in part at least.   So I maybe should be the last person to be giving any advice here.  Or—I could be exactly one to be of some help.

Very much to your credit: you appear to be quite introspective.  This, I never was ......and still aren't in large degree!  So understanding this about you, I would ask you are you trying to reconcile parts of your nature that aren't reconcilable?  I think that it would be so difficult to be both valid as a single gender and gender-fluid, no offence.  I might suggest that one of these characteristics must somehow change for you to be happy.

I don't believe that I need to advise you to not spend much of your life fighting unwinnable battles with yourself—as I have, *sigh*.

[Edge]

lol That puts me in a conundrum. I know for certain that trying to change my characteristics is an unwinnable battle, but I also want to be valid.
I'm not a single gender. That said, I would like both my genders to be valid in my eyes as well as others. But I can't control what other people think, so I need to learn to be valid in my own eyes and not care what other people think.
That's one of the things I am trying to do. As you said, patsar, the other is finding a way reconcile parts of my nature. I hope that does not turn out to be an unwinnable battle. Regardless, I have to try.