Feeling of disconnection from "former self"

[conformer]

Just now I looked at one of my most recent pictures and had a weird moment. For that moment I thought "There's no way that person could have ever been a girl." Even when I look at pictures of myself pre-transition, it feels like I'm just looking at a stranger who happens to look like a female version of me. I just have like no connection at all to my female past anymore, even when I look at my body . . I don't think any of it as female.

It's a strange feeling when I think about it, does/has anyone else experienced this?

[Kyle_S]

Totally, man. I got this a while back when looking at my certificates and pictures. It is a really weird feeling.

[Arch]

Sort of...not really...not exactly. I was very disconnected from my "female" self long before I transitioned. Since childhood, really. The only thing that has changed with regard to photos and stuff is that I can be relatively objective about my looks. I saw a pic of myself from my twenties and thought, "Damn, I was actually pretty cute, in an unconventional way."

I never thought that when I was living it.

[Natkat]

yeah pretty much felling the same..

I do remember my past, but I dont remember some feeling or emotion or exchactly how I felt about something in my own perspective.
I do remember moments I felt "happy" or "sad" and the reason, but its hard for me to connect myself how I was.. its like looking at someone ells, like a second life, or going into another persons life..

I can't belive it was me.
it also why I cant all exactly say when I knew I was trans, cause I do remember I had boyish features in my way to act when I was small, But I dont know what I was thinking, how my personalety was, or anything like that other than standard fact I remember.

[Kreuzfidel]

I never felt a connection to it per se, but the lie was all I could present to the world for a long time.  Looking at the old pics and name feels like I'm looking at a fictional character - a drag queen persona, a movie portrayal of someone else, the second half of a double life.  It makes me sad that, that persona is what most of the people in my life will always believe deep down is the "real" me.

[insideontheoutside]

I don't think this is very unusual at all. I know cis people that get that sort of feeling looking at pictures of them when they were children. Time and appearances change no matter what.

[supremecatoverlord]

I never felt a connection to it per se, but the lie was all I could present to the world for a long time.  Looking at the old pics and name feels like I'm looking at a fictional character - a drag queen persona, a movie portrayal of someone else, the second half of a double life.  It makes me sad that, that persona is what most of the people in my life will always believe deep down is the "real" me.

So much this.

[conformer]

yeah pretty much felling the same..

I do remember my past, but I dont remember some feeling or emotion or exchactly how I felt about something in my own perspective.
I do remember moments I felt "happy" or "sad" and the reason, but its hard for me to connect myself how I was.. its like looking at someone ells, like a second life, or going into another persons life..

I've been starting to feel this way too (to the extent of not remembering feelings/emotions from the past). I used to be able to recall so many vivid memories of myself, but it's like I'm starting to separate from/forget those memories. Like I'm completely erasing that part of my past.
I think it's partly because of fact that on becoming stealth, there have been people who recognize me, but I act like I don't even remember them when I know that I do. I guess I'm getting to accustomed to acting like the past didn't happen that I'm actually forgetting that; or I have built a mental wall to block the memories out somehow. .

[lexical]

I've definitely experienced this. Seeing old pics of myself (freshman year of college and younger), I have a very hard time remembering what it was like to be that person.

I never felt a connection to it per se, but the lie was all I could present to the world for a long time.  Looking at the old pics and name feels like I'm looking at a fictional character - a drag queen persona, a movie portrayal of someone else, the second half of a double life.  It makes me sad that, that persona is what most of the people in my life will always believe deep down is the "real" me.

yep, this.

[King Malachite]

I've always felt a disconnect from myself.  While being transgender is a big factor for that there were other small factors that weighed in.  I can't say transition wise but when I do post pictures in my version of "boy mode" I look at myself as the man who I am to become instead of just some shy little girl.  There's a disconnect there when I view myself in that manner.

[Elijah3291]

yeah I get the same thing.  Whenever my mom talks about my past self it seems more like she is talking about some random person I don't even know, like I came into existence just a few years ago.

Now I am not the kinda trans guy who says his bits are male thats just denial IMO, but I don't really think of them as anything, they are just kinda there.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Now I am not the kinda trans guy who says his bits are male thats just denial IMO, but I don't really think of them as anything, they are just kinda there.

Id'ing your genitals as male =/= thinking your genitals are absolutely no different than a cis male's genitals.

[CJ]

Happens to me 100% If I'm talking to people who know of my past then I refer to my past as another person, almost as like my dead twin sister I suppose :/ I don't feel any connection whatsoever to the person in the photograph anymore

[Jeatyn]

It makes me sad that, that persona is what most of the people in my life will always believe deep down is the "real" me.

Argh this so much.

It's funny, when I was in the gender clinic not long ago the doctor asked me a few standard questions like "how did puberty affect you" and "what's you're first ever gender orientated memory" and I was like christ I don't know, that was like a billion years ago in a former life I have no desire to remember o_o

[JayKyle]

Actually I had that happen just this weekend and I think I made a comment in the "what are you thinking" thread about it. I haven't started T, but it still seems like a distant past since i've come out and made my decision to change.

[N.Chaos]

I never felt a connection to it per se, but the lie was all I could present to the world for a long time.  Looking at the old pics and name feels like I'm looking at a fictional character - a drag queen persona, a movie portrayal of someone else, the second half of a double life.  It makes me sad that, that persona is what most of the people in my life will always believe deep down is the "real" me.

Nailed it.
I went through a pretty extensive camwhoring phase and every time I took overtly female pictures, I deleted them almost instantly. I bought girly clothes because I felt like I was supposed to, and then felt like a freak in them. Same with the pictures.

[dalebert]

Id'ing your genitals as male =/= thinking your genitals are absolutely no different than a cis male's genitals.

When people are questioning my gayness with regard to admitting having been attracted to the occasional trans guy, I have been known to (only half-joking) say, "Girl vaginas are gross but boy vaginas are cool." And yes, I've had my gayness questioned over it. It's not like I'm out to prove I'm gay or anything, but I feel like it's a mis-characterization of me. Yes, a lot of gay guys are dick-obsessed but it bothers me how that's somehow come to define what it means to be gay for many people. I guess they like it simple. "Oh, you're gay. You're really into dicks." No, not particularly. *eye roll* It's such an incredibly over-simplified notion of sexuality. The people saying this KNOW there are an array of characteristics that cause them to be attracted to someone or not and that it's not just about genitals, and yet they assume that's what it's all about for me for some reason.

[wheat thins are delicious]

You could just say "trans men are men, period."   But you are right, people are too into what a person's genitals may or may not look like.

[Arch]

You could just say "trans men are men, period."   But you are right, people are too into what a person's genitals may or may not look like.

I'm pretty penis-happy myself, and I'm completely turned off by front holes. There's nothing wrong with that. I like what I like. Why should I--or, indeed, anyone--try to stop liking penises, or any other sexual turn-ons, for that matter? As long as we're not out hurting people against their will, we should be free to pursue our own passions without being judged by others.