God's Unwanted Children

[K Style Addiction]

Just using my favorite line from the movie Fight Club, which is one of the rare few "boy" movies i still like because i think it is so much deeper than just the violence but that isn't why i am here (my return to this side of the forum ahhh!), my life as i know it is falling apart because of money problems, my depression and fear. I have given up on going out too much as i know no matter what i will get looked at because in singapore if you are not like everybody else, if you are even in the slightest a little different, you will get stares and being 5'11 girl in a country where most women are 4'10 - 5'2 and the men are 5'6, 5'8 is considered tall and with that i am a ->-bleeped-<-ing amazon.

My mother and i plan to move to San Francisco next year, we have planned this for a long while but with my discover of my singaporean peers ha! i have been more keen than ever as any experience i had with westerners, they usually mind their own business. I am having money problems and this is becoming a worry because in september i will be evicted from my beautiful home with it's courteous neighbors, to live in a dump with my psychotic, melodramatic, tactless auntie and her boyfriend who at first thought i was gay and called me a guy for a couple of months, with neighbors that will drive you crazy as they want to know EVERYTHING about what the other person is doing, it's their right as Singaporeans. Previously i have lived with them for a week and at the end of the week wanted to kill myself i don't know how i'm going to keep sane. My mother is negative and turns every statement i make into a conversation about how we don't have money and our lives are going down the crapper.

Going to San Francisco is the only hope we both have of starting a new life and she doesn't want Singapore either but then comes here fear which she keeps telling me about and slowly i'm starting to get scared myself. I sit here as i am typing this wondering why haven't i just killed myself yet and just give myself the mercy of having some peace in my life.

Then if that's not bothering me, i keep starting at myself in the mirror and (obviously) taking pictures of myself and some angles i look ugly, some even i have to think i look pretty cute and i pass thing is i don't know which is which, which is what people see. It's like a big joke god has played on me to ->-bleeped-<- with my mind to see how long it'll take before i kill myself. I see models and actresses all the time and think "I wished i looked like that". I've had almost everybody (99.9% i'd say) say i'm pretty and some beautiful (thank you to all who have, means a lot to me).

I don't know what to do, i don't know how i'm going to survive at my auntie's house. Instead of brain storming my mother just says "You think of a way", how in the hell am i supposed to figure out everything. She keeps slamming me with bad news for 3 days in a row, god i don't know what to expect tomorrow.

Anyway this is probably my longest post here ever, i don't know it's just i'm so depressed...i wonder what kind of replies i'll get *sigh*.

[suzifrommd]

I don't know what to do, i don't know how i'm going to survive at my auntie's house.

Donna, I can only tell you what works for me in tough times.

1. Pray for courage and peace. If, like me, you're not sure about God, pray to your own inner strength. It really works for me.

2. Remind yourself daily of the joy you bring to the people in your life. That's easy to forget. No matter who you are, there are people around you that love you and love having you in your lives. Most of them won't tell you, so you need to remind yourself it's there.

3. Find a few things you like to do, things that make you feel true to who you are. For me, simple things will do. Reading. Taking a walk. Writing down my feelings. For you it may be different, but find those things and do them as often as you can manage.

4. Make a list of things about yourself you like. Don't look at yourself from inside. Look at yourself as if you are your best friend. Someone you've known and loved since you were born. (This is all true!) What is loveable about you. If nothing comes to mind quickly, don't worry. The longer you think of yourself as your best friend, the more you will come up with.

5. Accept a cyberhug from me. You sound like a beautiful sensitive person. Sensitivity makes life bumpier but also lets us feel beauty more fully.

[K Style Addiction]

Thanks sweetheart, i hope i'm beautiful in the face too LOL. I get stared a lot in Asia, do american's stare a lot too? i'm 5'11 if that helps answering the question.

[suzifrommd]

Thanks sweetheart, i hope i'm beautiful in the face too LOL. I get stared a lot in Asia, do american's stare a lot too? i'm 5'11 if that helps answering the question.

Do Americans stare? Rude ones do. Polite ones steal furtive glances when you're not looking.

I could tell you your image shot looks beautiful. I'd be telling the truth, but honestly, I don't think it would help. When I like myself, I feel beautiful and I don't even care what other people think. When I don't I'm convinced that half the world thinks I'm ugly and the other half hates me for some other reason.

[Jamie D]

Kimmy, God doesn't want you to kill yourself.  If God is testing you, it is to make you stronger.
You will get through this.

[ffern]

I cant say that I've seen any picture of you where you are even a little ugly or non passing, but being confident and not giving a flying fe*k helps alot too (as im sure youve heard before) though I understand its easier to say that to do.  And even when they are not I always feel like people are looking at me, I think its Mostly a paranoia thing , but people do look at other people sometimes, if they are pretty, or not to walk in to them or whatever, the reason isnt usually nevative, but if your thinking those thoughts it can seem that way.

as for living with your um aunt,  you just have to focus on something good, like the move to san francisco, and the money you need to do that, break it down in to reachable monthly and weekly goals of the things you need to do to make it happen, so you can see having to stay with your aunt as just a step on the right path to being happier ( its whats keeping me sane living at home with the parental units right now, focusing on geting a job so I can get more independent and move out)

[Amazon D]

Get a job even if it a volunteer job to stay away from your uncles home as much as possible.. learn something by doing that will help you in your future.. volunteer at a hospital get a good recomendation so when you get to san fran you can get that recommendation forwarded to a place where you might find work. many americans want someone like you as a caregiver / home health aid... you can write well and i bet you can speak well but your also bilingual too which is very very valuable... thats what i would do asap..

oh throw out the mirrors and cameras.. and help others